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Replies to 'Abuse'
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January 17, 2007, 4:08 pm PST
 Quote From: wildwood I think I am on my last leg. I am just beginning to feel the ramifications of my husbands emotional abuse, in ways I never thought about or felt I could counteract. The long and short of it is this, years of emotional neglect, withdraw, silent treatment (directed ONLY at me, while being over attenitive to others, to include totally spoiling out children SOLELY to irritate me) and various other things has left me feeling like I might as well just shoot myself.
I see NO way out as he has used our children to "get to me" emotionally for years or to limit my right to any freedoms or adult company. It was only after he retired and had NO more excuses for his "too busy" attitudes have I come to understand that it was really abuse all along. He stays married for what he gets, certainly not for what he is willing to give. I now know there is NO way this is ever going to work. I simply cannot deal with his "rejections" and control anymore.
I really cannot deal with his use of our children (grown for the most part) but still at home, to deliver his "messages". He has "replaced" me with his grown daughters, and as sick as this sounds, he knows and so do I that he will continue to dote on them and reward their disrespect to me, for his own selfish gains. It breaks my heart that he has successfully driven a wedge between us, after years of us being so close. He is on the warpath, ever since his heavy drinking came to light (found it in his car, his bag he carried to work everyday, everywhere).
He was asked to leave (my father was an alcoholic, as was his only a binger). He "stopped" drinking, but not before he painted me black and gave me hell. This resulted in my "explosion". The things said and done during this time of sheer hell (all blame put on me to me and about me to my kids), left me constantly fighting for my reality. I didn't survive it well, and due to his manipulations my girls amazingly have sided with him. I won't go into all the details, but he refused to leave, just sit up shop in our home to run me out, and unfortunately he is about to accomplish that very thing.
One day when he was gone, I took EVERYTHING financial from his desk (really my desk, it was a gift) and currently have it in a locked room. He was using total financial control, and chastizement of EVERY expenditure in front of our children to harrass and point to MY guilt. No matter what I bought (98%) of it for our family consisting of one totally grown daughter at home, a teen and 11 year old and sometimes to help our one independant child that I helped move out, he "shamed me" in front of them. Years of asking him to stop, only resulted in more of the same.
I pleaded, explained, begged and ask for his help in this matter and all he did was sit me up with some very manipulative tactics to suffer his chastizement. He has brainwashed all our children into convoluted thinking. Unfortunately the crazy making aspects of this resulted in much war and screaming. From me and him. For the first time I KNEW I was right to be angry and WHY our lives were so "weird".
Now, though the marriage is totally dead (we still live together out of necessity) He DENIES everything, is postulating for their favor and therefore totally spoils them beyond belief. I apparently have lost all credibility with them. Not to mention all authority, rights or reason. HE has successfully swayed all but the youngest over to his side, and from there continues to abuse, while appearing not to. He lets his jury of peers, our children, be his read on how he is doing.
Naturally since they benefit greatly from his financial and other spoilings and having never had a dad on a regular basis, and since they are light years away from dealing with a controlling man, they LOVE it. Meanwhile I am continually disrespected and being totally erased from my home. I can't just leave, as I have an 11 year old. Clearly he is going to keep this up, gaslighting, lying, forgetting and other emotional tortue to include rewarding our kids for misbehavior until he drives me out.
NO one I mean no one understands what hell this is to have a man on the warpath playing games in your home. He is in total denial regarding his abuses including his alcohol abuse. He is into I know you are but what am I, and by sabotouge, and my "weakness' is milking this uncomfortable situation to mete out PUNISHMENT on me. He will not do one thing towards moving out, and it has now been six years or more.
Worse we only have one car now, so I have to try and work around his abuses including a loss of freedom for myself. I took control of the finances, which pissed him off and now all he does is sabotouge me there. I need him removed from our home immediately as emotional damage is all he is contributing. I am glad he stopped drinking (not really too sure about that) but his payback is even worse. Those pointing the finger or being overly simplistic or cruel need not respond. Support needed please. I am so sorry for your pain.
I have things I would like to tell you. Somethings that may help.
My Ex wasn't an alcoholic and neither was I -- but I was his co-dependent and we BOTH had that kind relationship just without the alcohol.
Hopefully I will be able to post more to you tomorrow.
I want you to know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
You CAN have a happy life! Q |
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January 18, 2007, 9:38 am PST
Quote From: wildwood I think I am on my last leg. I am just beginning to feel the ramifications of my husbands emotional abuse, in ways I never thought about or felt I could counteract. The long and short of it is this, years of emotional neglect, withdraw, silent treatment (directed ONLY at me, while being over attenitive to others, to include totally spoiling out children SOLELY to irritate me) and various other things has left me feeling like I might as well just shoot myself.
I see NO way out as he has used our children to "get to me" emotionally for years or to limit my right to any freedoms or adult company. It was only after he retired and had NO more excuses for his "too busy" attitudes have I come to understand that it was really abuse all along. He stays married for what he gets, certainly not for what he is willing to give. I now know there is NO way this is ever going to work. I simply cannot deal with his "rejections" and control anymore.
I really cannot deal with his use of our children (grown for the most part) but still at home, to deliver his "messages". He has "replaced" me with his grown daughters, and as sick as this sounds, he knows and so do I that he will continue to dote on them and reward their disrespect to me, for his own selfish gains. It breaks my heart that he has successfully driven a wedge between us, after years of us being so close. He is on the warpath, ever since his heavy drinking came to light (found it in his car, his bag he carried to work everyday, everywhere).
He was asked to leave (my father was an alcoholic, as was his only a binger). He "stopped" drinking, but not before he painted me black and gave me hell. This resulted in my "explosion". The things said and done during this time of sheer hell (all blame put on me to me and about me to my kids), left me constantly fighting for my reality. I didn't survive it well, and due to his manipulations my girls amazingly have sided with him. I won't go into all the details, but he refused to leave, just sit up shop in our home to run me out, and unfortunately he is about to accomplish that very thing.
One day when he was gone, I took EVERYTHING financial from his desk (really my desk, it was a gift) and currently have it in a locked room. He was using total financial control, and chastizement of EVERY expenditure in front of our children to harrass and point to MY guilt. No matter what I bought (98%) of it for our family consisting of one totally grown daughter at home, a teen and 11 year old and sometimes to help our one independant child that I helped move out, he "shamed me" in front of them. Years of asking him to stop, only resulted in more of the same.
I pleaded, explained, begged and ask for his help in this matter and all he did was sit me up with some very manipulative tactics to suffer his chastizement. He has brainwashed all our children into convoluted thinking. Unfortunately the crazy making aspects of this resulted in much war and screaming. From me and him. For the first time I KNEW I was right to be angry and WHY our lives were so "weird".
Now, though the marriage is totally dead (we still live together out of necessity) He DENIES everything, is postulating for their favor and therefore totally spoils them beyond belief. I apparently have lost all credibility with them. Not to mention all authority, rights or reason. HE has successfully swayed all but the youngest over to his side, and from there continues to abuse, while appearing not to. He lets his jury of peers, our children, be his read on how he is doing.
Naturally since they benefit greatly from his financial and other spoilings and having never had a dad on a regular basis, and since they are light years away from dealing with a controlling man, they LOVE it. Meanwhile I am continually disrespected and being totally erased from my home. I can't just leave, as I have an 11 year old. Clearly he is going to keep this up, gaslighting, lying, forgetting and other emotional tortue to include rewarding our kids for misbehavior until he drives me out.
NO one I mean no one understands what hell this is to have a man on the warpath playing games in your home. He is in total denial regarding his abuses including his alcohol abuse. He is into I know you are but what am I, and by sabotouge, and my "weakness' is milking this uncomfortable situation to mete out PUNISHMENT on me. He will not do one thing towards moving out, and it has now been six years or more.
Worse we only have one car now, so I have to try and work around his abuses including a loss of freedom for myself. I took control of the finances, which pissed him off and now all he does is sabotouge me there. I need him removed from our home immediately as emotional damage is all he is contributing. I am glad he stopped drinking (not really too sure about that) but his payback is even worse. Those pointing the finger or being overly simplistic or cruel need not respond. Support needed please. I read you say you have no way out. You say that you are trapped. Boy did I know those feelings. And the ONE person who helped me understand just how trapped, who wrote about MY life without even knowing me was Melody Beattie. If you haven’t read CoDependent No More, it is a MUST read for you.
What has happened in your relationship is that your hubby who has given up/stopped drinking is STILL an alcoholic. Although I think I read later that he is still drinking now but in denial. Alcoholics are PROs at blaming EVERYONE ELSE for ALL their problems. Even drinking is used to shirk their responsibility. And hiding the booze is a hallmark sign.
In order to get SOME sort of semblance of sanity in your life, you started to take control – it’s a caretaking mindset but then it sort of morphs into being controlling with an expectation of get something, anything back, any kind of emotional attention you may even prostitute your self for it – I know I did. And when you don’t get what you want and need, you start to get resentful, that resentment turns into bitterness (which is where I think you are in all this) and eventually that bitterness will turn into hatred. And the caretaking can even turn into martyrdom In a weird kind of way, you give away your power to this guy who is supposed to be your life partner and what ends up happening is you also shirk your own responsibility to your SELF just like he does.
NONE of this healthy.
You lose who you are because you are SO tied to him. That’s where the word “codependent” comes from. You lose your self to him – you are not a separate, living, feeling person. You anticipate his mood, his feelings, you walk on eggshells, you react to an addict.
Since you come from an alcoholic family, you grew up in this kind of environment so it’s no wonder that you married someone who is just like Dad and GrandDad.
Your sense of what love gets really twisted. It’s not a healthy kind of love and you may even get to the place where you feel like you are nothing.
Most caretakers are really VERY competent people too. And I find it eerily similar that you guys have had or are having power struggles over the pocket book. I will never forget the tongue lashings I got for spending $5 or $10. And I was the one who worked!
And using the children as pawns in the game of power and control is inexcusable. You already know this – you feel the hurt from it. BUT you STILL tolerate it. Tolerating it contributes to the problem.
You and hubby are modeling what your children’s adult relationships will be like. I know as a mother that that is NOT what we want for our children, is it?
I am not trying blame; my purpose is to give you the truth – it’s blunt and to the point because I want it to spur a change.
Your hubby buys his children’s love – and it is also very likely that your hubby considers his children his possessions. Material possession possibly even with no thoughts or feelings of their own. And he may also treat you that way. All of you are simply extensions of him.
And spoiling children is NOT good for them – in fact it doesn’t give a real picture for the way life really works. He is teaching them to anesthetize THEIR pain with THINGS. He is teaching them addiction. And, again, you are tolerating it – you detest it, you object, but still no ACTION.
And the “punishment”, the head games, the silent treatment, the passive aggressive hostility – they are all part of the disease (dis-ease) in your relationship.
The focus of your relationship probably for the ENTIRE relationship has been on him. The selfishness ABOUNDS and you bought into it, at first, out of love, and then out of duty.
As evidenced by your own post. You mention the word “I” 29 times, but how many times did you write “he”, “his”, “him”? – 56!!
So, as one very bright woman, LJforLJ, who used to post here said, now what you have is a BIG FAT ELEPHANT sitting in the living room and no one talks about it, deals with or possibly even knows how.
Well you’ve come to the right place. Because I’ve lived your life – just without the alcohol part – I’ve lived it and I made my way out of it and YOU CAN TOO.
I do need to ask some questions for clarification purposes before I make suggestions to you on what YOU can do to STOP THIS INSANITY!!
May I ask what else he did besides stopping drinking? Did he go to AA? Did he understand why he drank? Did he deal with any of the emotional stuff that caused him to feel the need to anesthetize his pain?
In addition, what did you do to get a grip on living with someone who is a non-drinking alcoholic? Did you attend alanon? Did you come to understand why you set up your life with yet another alcoholic? Did you deal with emotional stuff that has caused you to give away ALL your power to an addict?
Did you know that the only cage you have is the one you helped create? Did you know that you can open the door to that cage ANY time you like?
Be gentle. Q
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