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Replies to 'Ready for Marriage?'
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January 18, 2007, 9:25 am PST
 Quote From: cburgess2 My girlfriend and I have been talking about being engaged for quite some time now. But, only because she thinks that 3 years of dating is WAAAAYYY too long to be dating. According to her, I should have known whether or not she is the one for a long time now. Some of the things that are slowing me down 1) I get along with almost all of her friends, she hates mine. 2)Her mom annoys the hell out of me, my dad annoys the hell out of her. 3) We lived in the same town for about 1 year while we were both in college. Then she moved back in with her parents and won't move out because she can't afford to. (Her payments on a brand new car prevent this) Her parents live 3 hours away and we take turns making the drive almost every weekend. When we did live in the same town, we basically lived together for 6 months and just before she moved we were annoying the crap out of each other. Not on purpose, but just being around each other got annoying. I had tried a couple of times to dump her, but she's one hell of an arguer. She always convinces me that that's not what I want. Now that we talk about marriage on occasion, I think we should at least live in the same town to see if the annoying thing happens again, but she can't/won't move out of her parents house. 4) Talking about marriage is just to keep her passified. I think about it but have doubts. I have never told her about the doubts, until the other night, which led to a giant argument because I would just agree with her comments of marriage and even throw in my own because I knew if I didn't, it would lead to an argument. She called this lying(which I guess it is) and that pissed her off more than anything. Things are mostly smoothed over again, but she now insists on knowing the percentage of how likely I am to propose. And this can't be a good thing. Anything below %70 is unacceptable. And if it doesn't go up everytime we talk(2 or 3 times a day) then she gets sad(or mad, I can't tell sometimes) and we will talk until it goes up. We're currently at %77, but that's not what I feel. This is stupid I know, but what should I do about it??? There has also been a deadline to propose or dump her. It was this last December, but I changed to after I finish my Masters. This is coming up in May and I'm still not sure. I've grown very comfortable with our relationship. I hang out with my friends when I want during the week, and see her on the weekends. 5) The last thing that fuels most of my doubts is my ex-fiancee. Not that I am in love with her anymore(it was 8 or 9 years ago). But I don't feel as intensly about my current girlfriend as I did about my ex. This creates a lot of doubt.
I don't know if this is idiotic paranoia and I should get over it or what??? Any insight or comments would be greatly appreciated
It sounds like you really do know the answer but you are avoiding the confrontation. She is right about the fact that you should have known a while ago if she is the one, only she doesn't know that you do know but it isn't what she thinks it should be.
Do both of yourselves a favor and take charge of YOUR life. This isn't the way relationships should be, arguing and being annoyed. You should be happy and excited to see each other. I have 20 years of experience in dating, marriage and life lessons. I have been in some really bad relationships and have had some really bad things happen to me. I have been in relationships that were abusive, unhappy, annoying and stayed just because it was easier than being alone or I was afraid of the confrontation.
I am now married to a man who is wonderful and we treat each other with respect, spend all of our time together and have for 11 years now. We don't feel any of the things that you decribed above. Not that we don't have our moments and disagreements but we never feel like we shouldn't or don't want to be together.
In my experience sometimes we have to put ourselves first and make a decision based on our own self. That isn't selfish. Don't get married to passify another person or even talk about things to passify. If you don't stop that now you will never be happy in life you will always be putting others first and you will forget to take care of you.
Here's a good example on why we put ourselves first. When you fly on a plane and they are explaining the emergency stuff, and they say if the cabin pressure drops the O2 mask will fall...If you are traveling with small children put your mask on first and then your childs. If you aren't able to breath you can't save your child.
If you don't take care of you how will you be able to take care of someone else.
It makes me sad sometimes reading this boards because I look back on my life and wish I could have heard some of the things that people said to me and made different decisions. I also wish I would have been able to ask for the advice.
I believe that just because you are asking you are aware of the answers but you need confirmation. I hope you make a choice for you and for your happiness.
Good luck. |
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January 18, 2007, 10:06 am PST
Quote From: cburgess2 My girlfriend and I have been talking about being engaged for quite some time now. But, only because she thinks that 3 years of dating is WAAAAYYY too long to be dating. According to her, I should have known whether or not she is the one for a long time now. Some of the things that are slowing me down 1) I get along with almost all of her friends, she hates mine. 2)Her mom annoys the hell out of me, my dad annoys the hell out of her. 3) We lived in the same town for about 1 year while we were both in college. Then she moved back in with her parents and won't move out because she can't afford to. (Her payments on a brand new car prevent this) Her parents live 3 hours away and we take turns making the drive almost every weekend. When we did live in the same town, we basically lived together for 6 months and just before she moved we were annoying the crap out of each other. Not on purpose, but just being around each other got annoying. I had tried a couple of times to dump her, but she's one hell of an arguer. She always convinces me that that's not what I want. Now that we talk about marriage on occasion, I think we should at least live in the same town to see if the annoying thing happens again, but she can't/won't move out of her parents house. 4) Talking about marriage is just to keep her passified. I think about it but have doubts. I have never told her about the doubts, until the other night, which led to a giant argument because I would just agree with her comments of marriage and even throw in my own because I knew if I didn't, it would lead to an argument. She called this lying(which I guess it is) and that pissed her off more than anything. Things are mostly smoothed over again, but she now insists on knowing the percentage of how likely I am to propose. And this can't be a good thing. Anything below %70 is unacceptable. And if it doesn't go up everytime we talk(2 or 3 times a day) then she gets sad(or mad, I can't tell sometimes) and we will talk until it goes up. We're currently at %77, but that's not what I feel. This is stupid I know, but what should I do about it??? There has also been a deadline to propose or dump her. It was this last December, but I changed to after I finish my Masters. This is coming up in May and I'm still not sure. I've grown very comfortable with our relationship. I hang out with my friends when I want during the week, and see her on the weekends. 5) The last thing that fuels most of my doubts is my ex-fiancee. Not that I am in love with her anymore(it was 8 or 9 years ago). But I don't feel as intensly about my current girlfriend as I did about my ex. This creates a lot of doubt.
I don't know if this is idiotic paranoia and I should get over it or what??? Any insight or comments would be greatly appreciated
There is one thing that your girlfriend said to you that I agree with: you should know, after 3 years together, if she is “the one.” All of the doubts that you describe are valid reasons to be concerned and to NOT propose. I think you know what you need to do, but you know it is very difficult. Being comfortable in a relationship isn’t enough of a reason to stay in that relationship. It is difficult for many reasons, but you need to let her go so that she can get on with her life; it isn’t fair to string her along with the lie that you are 77% sure that you’ll propose. You need to make a decision and then, stick to that decision. If you decide to stay together, then you need to commit yourself 100% to the relationship, trying to improve the communication between the two of you and learning how to speak up for yourself and be heard. If you decide that you love this woman, but you don’t want to get married now or ever to her, then you MUST let her know this in a gentle, kind way; and then, don’t allow her to talk you back into the relationship like she did in the past. You are a big boy, its time to make decisions for yourself and then stick to the decision. This is a big one, you are doing the right thing by listening to your instincts. Good luck. |
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