Replies to 'Abuse'

  Abuse and it's victims (target persons)  is very complex.  Learned helplessness can be  very prevelant in both the target person (victim) and in the abuser (abuse of substance or of power).  It is sometimes referred to as a dance where neither party can escape, so they continually dance in a dysfunctional way often trading places in the power and man down postitions.

My husband fluxuates daily from tyrant, (daddy figure or how he sees them) to child (Mr. Magoo clueless and therefore not responsible).  These are the ways he copes with his "non meshed" personality.

 He has disordered black or white thinking, and if his being here all the time has taught me one thing.........it is that he has ALWAYS been at war with extremes, not able to be crossed, with out immediate shift to the "victim or helpless and clueless" only to rise up the tyrant within days.

. He is therefore(seen as and behaving)  passive aggressive, oppositional defiant and obessive compulsive (my diag.) and many other things that CLEARLY illustrate to me that his SELVES are not at peace with each other. All, manipulations, however are in fact a symptom of the deeper personality disorders, though they may be situational.  POWER OVER is however the goal he strives for. If he can't have THAT he melts before your eyes into a total helpless child. Of no use to anyone. This is manipulation to the tenth degree.

I, having lived with him for many years, and  in hopelessly trying to mesh a reality that is constant, believe they have ALWAYS been there. As are his "multiple personalities" (my arm chair diag) and his Mr. Moodies ( or "actors" that come out as I refer to them to myself)  and his need to manipulate others into their "roles". dependant on HIS moods.  I also think he is clearly narcississtic (sp?). This may be his MAIN disorder and the others support that role. All of this is "my conclusions" based on much readings, consultations, and otherwise futile attempts to understand it, counteract it or cope with  it in a less "put your own neck in the noose way".

However, upon numerous attempts to get it to stop, or uncovered through counseling alone or together, NOT ONE COUNSELOR did much to do anything but HURT the situation. One even told him (based on a self test of himself) that he was not an alcoholic (as they did my father at one time), nor did they apparently do any other testing of any kind on EITHER of us to determine what  WAS at the bottom of any of this.

 More often I was addressed and given assignments, or seen as the "more pitifull" even when I was groomed, in control, non emotional and very articulate. They were intimadated and impressed by my husband profession,  (police military,and  his polish and manipulations of truth, relaxed demeanor, non challence (good gracious he has been TRAINED to decieve and be "in control" people!!!!!). 

I was told don't interupt, forget the past, be a supportive and appreciative wife, stop spending money, ( his by the way, stop living!) my nest was empty, (NOT by a long stretch)  my surgery (hysterictomy) was the cause, get a hobby (duh I have hundereds) get a job, which I had had several during the marriage, to include self employed (while he blackballs me to the kids? transfers his abandonment issues?) and a multitude of "it is your fault, shut up and take it or look the other way" consider yourself lucky he DOESN"T beat you!  babblespeak, that only "abused further" and clearly showed our counselors "didn't have a clue" as to the dynamics or hidden aspects of  emotional abuse, financial blackmail or any of the realities I dealt with. 

These were the "professionals" I spent good money  on to help us. I should have saved it for my escape instead, but wanted my marriage to WORK under different dynamics. One, did identify me as the  family "scapegoat" but proceeded to crab walk away from that when my husband was in the room. COUNSELING doesnt' help. Many men just use "going to counseling to stall and abuse further" making me VERY sorry for all the years spent getting him to go and attempting to go. The only thing I got from counseling is it can't help you, ONLY YOU CAN help yourself. Get them out or get you out.

Perhaps it is his catholic upbringing, his war experiences, or because he is a twin, a male, hurt, angry or really IS confused,  or maybe just because he can. None of course, are excuses, nor reasons to stay with someone at war with themselves.  I only offer this for the "debate" purposes of our unrelenting desire to "understand" how and why we here have had an "encounter with a person at war with themselves".