Replies to 'Abuse'

  I am so sorry to hear that someone else dealt with this, expecially in the same way.  Sometimes I think it is harder to deal with this type abuse, because it is so hard to put your finger on it.   Many wouldn't even call it abuse emotional or otherwise.  To me it is like breaking up.  (very poor analogy, put the shocker value, and indignant feelings are the same)

 The guy doesn't bother to tell the girl it's over, just lets her figure it out the hard way, and gets meaner and meaner to "drive" her out rather than deal in ANY honesty.  (in truth I jilted his behavior then him, but he refused to be broken up with)

Only thing is you share kids, home, finances,  a lifetime, decisions made based on being together (giving up your day job, for the job of home and family),  Suddenly they just get mean, where they were just self centered and neglectful.   Of course BOTH are your fault, like overgrown, immature and spoiled children.  Sometimes I would have been better off, which I figured out, and so I "gave" him what he appeared to want, his "walking papers",  however giving him what he wanted "backfired" and now he also BLAMES me for his wanting it.

I am well aware my  "digging in" and counter abuses are NOT good for anyone.  Held against the alternatives, they do make sense.  It was a hard decision.  However, for many many reasons, I  see no good coming out of my leaving my home, or my childrens home, no matter how unbearable it gets (without the physical).  It has been pretty unbearable at times, the most of which is living with the "changed" person I have become, and the things I did in "self defense" to hold to truth, mine anyways, and my children and home.

Leaving would have been easier emotionally.............but I know I would live to regret that, every attorney I spoke to said that to leave constitutes a "lack of interest" in the homestead.  I also had many tell me to "get a job", when I know that would be used as an abandonment issue in my case, or worse I would be "sabotouged" by spouse. The reality is right now, or immediately I don't NEED a job, other than for insurance, unless of course something goes really bad, or he has time to figure out how to "hide" assets, which is why I took the finances and locked em up. (years ago I tried some system so he couldn't use our money as a club to my behavior) I wish I would have thought of this sooner, to tell you the truth. (funny how CLEAR you can think, when the "feelings" are gone, or overcome isn't it?  That is why one MUST detach. 

We can't THINK what is best for us, when we are distracted by what our hearts want.  Goals and priorities have to change.  That takes us women way too long to do.

 The reality is it is in stalemate as his attorney's (a friend of 20 plus years) more than likely told him the same thing.  I find it odd that after 25 or more years of having very little interest in wife, home or children,  other than his personal "feel good" hotel,  suddenly he wants it all, just like it was in the beginning BEFORE he neglected them all.   He will sacrifice wife, but still wants it all as if I just don't exist (not as a sweetie, but a force entitled to half or more based on work I did in the marrige)

Dealing with the lies,  (his to me and mine to me) has been very hard  too.  He worked so much from the very beginning that it made it "easy" to have his cake and eat it too.  I "suspected" but could never prove he was anything but the most hardworking husband,  with misplaced priorities. 

I realize I do talk about HIM alot, but look at it like the flu, or a disability.   He is no longer a "person" to me in the sense I have detached from any CARING. This is what I mean about "head changes".   I am now totally aware that "THIS" is his personality, probably always was and so harbor NO hope for any lasting change into the man I needed, still need, and will always need.  (and like most THOUGHT I was marrying 29 years ago)

The "shock" of realizing what you are dealing with, still gets me from time to time, as nice people just cannot comprehend there are people with no compassion, no empathy or any other goal in life but to put self first, in EVERY situation.  They can be nice enough when getting EVERYTHING their way, but totally switch personalities if not. THOSE OUT THERE QUESTIONING ABUSE OR NOT PAY CLOSE ATTENTION TO THE PERSONALITY "SHIFTS", notice how quick the postulating or nice guy goes away.  As time goes on they get closer and closer together.  The "bad" on becomes the person.   Almost always good guy gets smaller and smaller.  Bad feeds bad (oh I have a great poem, Indian, that says that very thing, will try and post it , it is about two wolves).

Thank you again, your maturity and calm is what I needed. Bless you thru all eternity