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Replies to '07/17 The Dr. Phil House: Man Camp, Part 2'
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February 5, 2007, 11:01 pm PST
 Quote From: carolbpete I watched Part 1 with interest... and fantacised that I was actually on the show myself. I can relate to all 3 of these women. I get that they have not left. After 15 years of mental and emotional abuse, my last straw occurred in 2002. What's holding me up? Making sure my kids are secure financially and physically. We need a place to live. In order for that to happen - I have to be able to make enough money to pay all the bills and feed us. That doesn't happen overnight. In addition, I have to be able to pay a lawyer - you can't just walk in and get free legal service. It doesn't work that way. Our income is over the maximum allowed... and lawyers want $2k up front. And, in my current circumstances - no job (for EITHER of us), $15k in debt, no February house payment (and it's below 0 outside) - I'm not able to just pick up and leave. I have nowhere to go. I have no family. One brother who would love to help, but he is Canadian. And that's another bunch of mess.
I think if Dr. Phil can help these guys understand how much damage they have done - kudos. I wish we all had access to that kind of help. I have already tried the "tape the show and make him watch it" route. It doesn't work. Neither does messing up the house (or even letting the house mess itself - I refused to cook or clean for 3 years). Neither does 1-to-1 counseling at a Judge's order. If the people around these guys enable them - that is, don't make them tow the line, don't point out when they are out of line, ask questions and demand answers to stuff - they will just continue on their way. The fact that for these three it's out now - everyone knows how they treat their wives - is a huge step.
The ugly truth is we don't all have Dr. Phils in our lives - and without intervention many of us will not get to where we need to be to be safe and human. It's not always about being emotionally unable - it's about the community you live in, and what kind of support you have or don't have around you. You can't just go from making nothing to making $50k in 5 years, much less overnight. Most of us just hope we'll get to the other side with some of ourselves intact, and minimal damage to our children. my husband also needs aa 2 weeks 3 days ago my man tore up the house i left the house w/ kids told him the next time he drinks hes leaving theres people out there to help you your strong enough |
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February 5, 2007, 11:22 pm PST
Quote From: carolbpete I watched Part 1 with interest... and fantacised that I was actually on the show myself. I can relate to all 3 of these women. I get that they have not left. After 15 years of mental and emotional abuse, my last straw occurred in 2002. What's holding me up? Making sure my kids are secure financially and physically. We need a place to live. In order for that to happen - I have to be able to make enough money to pay all the bills and feed us. That doesn't happen overnight. In addition, I have to be able to pay a lawyer - you can't just walk in and get free legal service. It doesn't work that way. Our income is over the maximum allowed... and lawyers want $2k up front. And, in my current circumstances - no job (for EITHER of us), $15k in debt, no February house payment (and it's below 0 outside) - I'm not able to just pick up and leave. I have nowhere to go. I have no family. One brother who would love to help, but he is Canadian. And that's another bunch of mess.
I think if Dr. Phil can help these guys understand how much damage they have done - kudos. I wish we all had access to that kind of help. I have already tried the "tape the show and make him watch it" route. It doesn't work. Neither does messing up the house (or even letting the house mess itself - I refused to cook or clean for 3 years). Neither does 1-to-1 counseling at a Judge's order. If the people around these guys enable them - that is, don't make them tow the line, don't point out when they are out of line, ask questions and demand answers to stuff - they will just continue on their way. The fact that for these three it's out now - everyone knows how they treat their wives - is a huge step.
The ugly truth is we don't all have Dr. Phils in our lives - and without intervention many of us will not get to where we need to be to be safe and human. It's not always about being emotionally unable - it's about the community you live in, and what kind of support you have or don't have around you. You can't just go from making nothing to making $50k in 5 years, much less overnight. Most of us just hope we'll get to the other side with some of ourselves intact, and minimal damage to our children. I was where you were. Stop fantacizing and go. Your last straw was five years ago? You've merely raised your tolerance. Forget making sure the kids are financially secure: their mental health is priceless! Each and every day that you stay--that they stay with you--your children are learning damaging, dysfunctional, and self-defeating behaviors. They need you to defend and protect them: to set minimum standards for yourself and them, to exhibit a strong sense of self-worth, and to muster the strength even in your most frightened moments. You know the definition of bravery? I used to think it was an absence of fear, but then I learned that's not true; soldiers in battle are so scared that they soil themselves, and yet they fight. Bravery means feeling the fear and doing it anyway! Fight for your children, for their emotional health and well-being: they're looking to YOU as their knight in shining armour. On the practical side, go into your joint bank and investment accounts and remove as much of the assets as you can (it's all community property, anyway, to be inventoried and fairly divided, so you're not going to keep more than your fair share: this is merely to get you solvent). Put the funds in an account in your name only. Get a job--any job--and get OUT! File your initial papers at the courthouse yourself until you find a lawyer who agrees to take her fee at the final settlement (mine waited two years). What I'm saying is that reasons become excuses. When I finally got the courage to do THE RIGHT THING (for myself and my children), I was willing to file for Welfare, live in a one-bedroom efficiency apt., and eat Beanie-Weenie's, if I had to (I didn't have to). As long as my children and I were together in peace and quiet, free from verbal and emotional abuse, it would be worth it. Remember that you're teaching your children each and every day: they're looking to YOU for leadership. And, whether you wish it or not, they will emulate you, by either marrying or becoming abusers themselves. How about giving them a different role model? |
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February 6, 2007, 6:17 am PST
Quote From: carolbpete I watched Part 1 with interest... and fantacised that I was actually on the show myself. I can relate to all 3 of these women. I get that they have not left. After 15 years of mental and emotional abuse, my last straw occurred in 2002. What's holding me up? Making sure my kids are secure financially and physically. We need a place to live. In order for that to happen - I have to be able to make enough money to pay all the bills and feed us. That doesn't happen overnight. In addition, I have to be able to pay a lawyer - you can't just walk in and get free legal service. It doesn't work that way. Our income is over the maximum allowed... and lawyers want $2k up front. And, in my current circumstances - no job (for EITHER of us), $15k in debt, no February house payment (and it's below 0 outside) - I'm not able to just pick up and leave. I have nowhere to go. I have no family. One brother who would love to help, but he is Canadian. And that's another bunch of mess.
I think if Dr. Phil can help these guys understand how much damage they have done - kudos. I wish we all had access to that kind of help. I have already tried the "tape the show and make him watch it" route. It doesn't work. Neither does messing up the house (or even letting the house mess itself - I refused to cook or clean for 3 years). Neither does 1-to-1 counseling at a Judge's order. If the people around these guys enable them - that is, don't make them tow the line, don't point out when they are out of line, ask questions and demand answers to stuff - they will just continue on their way. The fact that for these three it's out now - everyone knows how they treat their wives - is a huge step.
The ugly truth is we don't all have Dr. Phils in our lives - and without intervention many of us will not get to where we need to be to be safe and human. It's not always about being emotionally unable - it's about the community you live in, and what kind of support you have or don't have around you. You can't just go from making nothing to making $50k in 5 years, much less overnight. Most of us just hope we'll get to the other side with some of ourselves intact, and minimal damage to our children. Sometimes I wonder if any man, even Dr. Phil, can understand how difficult it is for a woman to leave an abusive relationship -- especially the jobless woman who has been out of the work force for years In our culture money equals power. After being isolated and browbeaten for years getting out becomes dangerous. The guys on this program are a lot bigger than their wives as well. And at least two of them seem emotionally capable of beating them up physically and financially if the women try to leave. It's easy to say "just leave" or "you owe it to your kids to leave." But try doing that with no money or family support. The courts can be amazingly callous to women. The woman finds herself at the mercy of the judge and the husband's lawyer. Despite the popular opinion that women come out of divorce with big stacks of their husband's money, that is just plain false. Women emerge from divorce beaten emotionally and financially. But that said, it's still the first step to getting one's life back. And worth the risk. |
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