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ritehere

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Relaxed

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quiet

July 27, 2005, 6:48 am PDT

Kaatje,

Quote From: kaatje

Hello all,

I'm new here and for a while now I have been trying to find myself. In this quest I recently found out that everything I thought was my past, all seems a lie. My mother has lied to us about many, important things, and we believed it all to be true, until a week ago.....

Now my question, when everything you believed turns out te be false, the mother who you have always trusted, you can not trust anymore and your whole youth, has been taken from you, where do you start then to find yourself ?

I feel like my whole bases has been taken from me and I don't know where to start anymore. But, I must say, a lot of things fall in their place now, as painfull it may be. I feel like I have to start all over again and that's very difficult for me ...

'm sorry if my English isn't very well, but it's not the language I speak every day.

I wish you all all the luck in finding yourself and I hope this list can put me in the right direction to find my true self.

Thank you

First of all, you're English is very good. Did your mother mean well when she mislead you? Sometimes when children are small the truth is kept from them because they won't understand. Then as the years go by, it gets more difficult for them to tell the whole truth, because they fear your reaction. If her intentions were good, maybe you will be able to forgive her in time. Was she always trustworthy in other ways? Remember that actions will always speak louder than words.

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marcia52

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Mellow

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July 27, 2005, 10:24 am PDT

The path to truth is painful!

Quote From: kaatje

Hello all,

I'm new here and for a while now I have been trying to find myself. In this quest I recently found out that everything I thought was my past, all seems a lie. My mother has lied to us about many, important things, and we believed it all to be true, until a week ago.....

Now my question, when everything you believed turns out te be false, the mother who you have always trusted, you can not trust anymore and your whole youth, has been taken from you, where do you start then to find yourself ?

I feel like my whole bases has been taken from me and I don't know where to start anymore. But, I must say, a lot of things fall in their place now, as painfull it may be. I feel like I have to start all over again and that's very difficult for me ...

Í'm sorry if my English isn't very well, but it's not the language I speak every day.

I wish you all all the luck in finding yourself and I hope this list can put me in the right direction to find my true self.

Thank you

Your english is fine - you write better than I do at times.

I believe that our truths are all painful and when we face our truths, we discovered that our lives were based on untruths. For many of us, it's because we made assumptions and then lived our lives with those assumptions. For others, those that were the adults told us lies and we then lived to those lies.

I know it's painful to discover the truth but you will survive it and become stronger than you ever were before. YOu now know the truth and what lies still exist will slowly surface and you can challenge them.

Think of this as a rite of passage into wisdom not the end of all things that you know. I believe that God doesn't give us anything we can't handle. Could you have handled the truth a year ago? or even earlier?

Know that inside yourself you have the strength and power to face what is going on. Take it slowly and BREATHE. Talk to your most closest friends about this. ALlow yourself to voice your hurt and pain. It may take a while to work thru the emotions and the hurt. But you are strong and a power person in your own right.

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blgspc

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Stressed

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quiet

July 27, 2005, 11:40 am PDT

Kaatje...

Quote From: kaatje

Hello all,

I'm new here and for a while now I have been trying to find myself. In this quest I recently found out that everything I thought was my past, all seems a lie. My mother has lied to us about many, important things, and we believed it all to be true, until a week ago.....

Now my question, when everything you believed turns out te be false, the mother who you have always trusted, you can not trust anymore and your whole youth, has been taken from you, where do you start then to find yourself ?

I feel like my whole bases has been taken from me and I don't know where to start anymore. But, I must say, a lot of things fall in their place now, as painfull it may be. I feel like I have to start all over again and that's very difficult for me ...

Í'm sorry if my English isn't very well, but it's not the language I speak every day.

I wish you all all the luck in finding yourself and I hope this list can put me in the right direction to find my true self.

Thank you

I was very moved by your post. ( By the way your Engish is better than mine!)

I'm also curious about what you feel your mother's motives were. Is she a 'good' mother/person who was trying to protect her children when she felt that you may be too young to manage the adult truths. Has she acted in your best interests, by being reliable, dependable, trustworthy, acting as your ally before now? If so it maybe time to sit down with her and talk about how her choice impacted you personally.

If you feel/know that her motives/intentions were driven by other things NOT involving good mothering, that makes it a bit tougher.

At the very least this constitutes a significant breach. Impairing trust, as well as, for many, createing a sense of betrayl.

You may want to spend some time mending your wounds before rushing right into 'resolve mode'. Spend some time feeling your pain, having your anger and your tears.

The good news is you will survive this and hopefully emerge with a clearer understanding of yourself, your family and your mother.

My thoughts & prayers are with you,

Brenda

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kimbrem

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Good

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July 29, 2005, 1:21 am PDT

I know the feeling of trying to find yourself

Quote From: kaatje

Hello all,

I'm new here and for a while now I have been trying to find myself. In this quest I recently found out that everything I thought was my past, all seems a lie. My mother has lied to us about many, important things, and we believed it all to be true, until a week ago.....

Now my question, when everything you believed turns out te be false, the mother who you have always trusted, you can not trust anymore and your whole youth, has been taken from you, where do you start then to find yourself ?

I feel like my whole bases has been taken from me and I don't know where to start anymore. But, I must say, a lot of things fall in their place now, as painfull it may be. I feel like I have to start all over again and that's very difficult for me ...

Í'm sorry if my English isn't very well, but it's not the language I speak every day.

I wish you all all the luck in finding yourself and I hope this list can put me in the right direction to find my true self.

Thank you

If you have a family that is destructive or toxic, it just seems the normal way to be, not right, but normal. There is usually a feeling and even strong belief that this is not right. This is not the way things should be. In childhood, we are often helpless, in spite of all we do to change it. Our lack of insight, experience, and inability to fend for ourselves makes it almost impossible to change what shouldn't be into what should.

When we make a break from the influences of those toxic relationships, it leaves us scared, uncertain, emotionally torn and left to figure out who we really are without them. There are so many aspects to discovery and self-fulfillment. I am on the same road. I am so lucky not to have ended up as a percentage point on someone's chart. I thank the gifts my parent's unwittingly gave me for that. I love my parents. I don't love who they are, but I am now relieved of any clouds that were previously in my eyes about who they are.

Don't worry about what you are feeling. It's natural. There are stages to dealing with these things. Just try to move ahead through them without letting yourself get stuck in one that's toxic to you.

Good Luck,

Kim

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Replies to 'Defining Your Authentic Self'

Kaatje,

The path to truth is painful!

Kaatje...

I know the feeling of trying to find yourself