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Replies to '03/09 Dominating Spouses'
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March 5, 2007, 7:24 am PST
 Quote From: dlynne14 Well, it finally happened. After 3 years of controlling my daughter's every thought and move, my son in law finally showed the physical side of himself. He pushed my daughter and then pulled back his arm with a fist at the end ready to punch her. He was tackled by 2 other family members and beat up pretty badly. My daughter, so under his control, tried to defend him. We so hoped that she would have the mental clarity needed to leave such a man, but he convinced her to stay with his profession of love, and remorse, his promise to get counseling, etc.. She believes him, rather than all her family and friends. How hard it is to see this beautiful young woman, such a great mother, hard worker, succumb to this person. We worry about her safety, we worry about our granddaughter. Will he lash out at her again if she tries to stand up to him? What to do, what to say? We don't believe anything he says, and we don't believe anything she says. We tip toe around the subject, and she puts on her best actress facade. We are all afraid to say something to her, for fear it will only drive her farther away, and closer to him. To all those women out there that think they need to settle for less than what they are worth I say to you, "Stand up, Stand up, Speak Up, Speak Up, the only man you will chase away is your EX husband!!" Do not become a "jelly woman" for love.
I think this young lady has a clear case of tunnel vision. She's having such a hard time breaking free because she only sees this man as she wants to see him not as he really is........
She's confused and is settling for this abuse because she feels she deserves it and when he comes back and apologizes and acts all sweet and loving, this is the man she craves and then she gets fooled into taking him back and participating in an unhealthy relationship which deep down she knows is not right but she talks herself into it . This is false mercy and she needs to understand that she is not his saviour and it's ok to get out! He'll make it just fine and when he's not around, she'll have a chance to not only see him for what and who he really is but heal and get strong as well! |
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March 5, 2007, 7:34 am PST
Quote From: dlynne14 Well, it finally happened. After 3 years of controlling my daughter's every thought and move, my son in law finally showed the physical side of himself. He pushed my daughter and then pulled back his arm with a fist at the end ready to punch her. He was tackled by 2 other family members and beat up pretty badly. My daughter, so under his control, tried to defend him. We so hoped that she would have the mental clarity needed to leave such a man, but he convinced her to stay with his profession of love, and remorse, his promise to get counseling, etc.. She believes him, rather than all her family and friends. How hard it is to see this beautiful young woman, such a great mother, hard worker, succumb to this person. We worry about her safety, we worry about our granddaughter. Will he lash out at her again if she tries to stand up to him? What to do, what to say? We don't believe anything he says, and we don't believe anything she says. We tip toe around the subject, and she puts on her best actress facade. We are all afraid to say something to her, for fear it will only drive her farther away, and closer to him. To all those women out there that think they need to settle for less than what they are worth I say to you, "Stand up, Stand up, Speak Up, Speak Up, the only man you will chase away is your EX husband!!" Do not become a "jelly woman" for love.
I have been exactly where your daughter is now. It's a bad cycle to be in no doubt. But it is a cycle and it sounds as if she's hoping things will improve just because he says they will.
He says he will go to counseling...has she considered seeking counseling for herself? There are women's centers that offer counseling at a reduced fee or for no charge at all depending on her financial situation. I recommend CARA (center for rape and abuse). Perhaps see if there is one available in her area.
It's hard to know what to say to victims of spousal abuse. She entered into her marriage thinking it would be happily ever after. We all do. She is thinking about how her life will change if she were to leave and what will happen to her children. She knows her situation is bad but she is afraid that the unknown will be worse.
But I suggest you may help to enlighten her on a pretty simple fact of life. She can't change him. Only he can change himself. And if he doesn't do what he's promised to do by seeking help and actively trying to improve himself to be the father and husband he should be, then she owes it to her children to leave. Yes she should see if he intends to make good on his promises. Yes she should give her marriage a chance. One. But if nothing changes then she needs to get out.
They are empty promises and abusers are very good at saying the words but only a slim amount of them actually make good on them. It's part of the cycle of abuse.
But she needs to know that if she stays and nothing changes between them the only thing that will change is her children's perspective on relationships. They will continue the pattern of abuse as adults most likely. If she has a daughter, she may grow up to marry an abuser. If she has a son he may turn into an abuser. And it is her responsiblity as their mother to give the children their best chance at happiness.
Dr. Phil once said "children would rather be FROM a broken home than LIVE in one"
I agree 100%. Many people say they stay in their marriage for their kids...I left for mine.
I hope your daughter's situation improves, truly. But you may help her if you suggest she help herself. She should gather information on domestic abuse and find a professional to speak with.
Bring to light the fact that she is changing who these children are. Dysfunction breeds dysfunction.
Good luck. XO |
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March 5, 2007, 8:51 am PST
Quote From: dlynne14 Well, it finally happened. After 3 years of controlling my daughter's every thought and move, my son in law finally showed the physical side of himself. He pushed my daughter and then pulled back his arm with a fist at the end ready to punch her. He was tackled by 2 other family members and beat up pretty badly. My daughter, so under his control, tried to defend him. We so hoped that she would have the mental clarity needed to leave such a man, but he convinced her to stay with his profession of love, and remorse, his promise to get counseling, etc.. She believes him, rather than all her family and friends. How hard it is to see this beautiful young woman, such a great mother, hard worker, succumb to this person. We worry about her safety, we worry about our granddaughter. Will he lash out at her again if she tries to stand up to him? What to do, what to say? We don't believe anything he says, and we don't believe anything she says. We tip toe around the subject, and she puts on her best actress facade. We are all afraid to say something to her, for fear it will only drive her farther away, and closer to him. To all those women out there that think they need to settle for less than what they are worth I say to you, "Stand up, Stand up, Speak Up, Speak Up, the only man you will chase away is your EX husband!!" Do not become a "jelly woman" for love.
Hopefully your daughter will find the strength & self esteem to leave him, if he does threaten her again. Hopefully she will have the real support she will need if she ever chooses to leave.
Not all domineering people will turn to violence or even the threat of. It is sad that he did. |
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March 5, 2007, 7:41 pm PST
Quote From: dlynne14 Well, it finally happened. After 3 years of controlling my daughter's every thought and move, my son in law finally showed the physical side of himself. He pushed my daughter and then pulled back his arm with a fist at the end ready to punch her. He was tackled by 2 other family members and beat up pretty badly. My daughter, so under his control, tried to defend him. We so hoped that she would have the mental clarity needed to leave such a man, but he convinced her to stay with his profession of love, and remorse, his promise to get counseling, etc.. She believes him, rather than all her family and friends. How hard it is to see this beautiful young woman, such a great mother, hard worker, succumb to this person. We worry about her safety, we worry about our granddaughter. Will he lash out at her again if she tries to stand up to him? What to do, what to say? We don't believe anything he says, and we don't believe anything she says. We tip toe around the subject, and she puts on her best actress facade. We are all afraid to say something to her, for fear it will only drive her farther away, and closer to him. To all those women out there that think they need to settle for less than what they are worth I say to you, "Stand up, Stand up, Speak Up, Speak Up, the only man you will chase away is your EX husband!!" Do not become a "jelly woman" for love.
I am currently married to a controlling man. We have split up several times. Everytime he swears that he has learned his lesson, and like a dummy, I keep taking him back, when he first comes back he treats me like an angel, then it starts again. But the bad thing is, I have medical conditions. This time, we have been back together for almost 6 months and he has told me so many times that he wants a divorce and I told him to go get one, I will sign for it, but he wants me to pay for it. I am currently not working. He calls me all kinds of names. When I ask him why he came back this time, he tells me stupidity. He tells me all the time that I fake my illness. But yet my doctor is one of the top leading doctors for my illness in the world. I am in therapy for depression which is from my illness, but I also talk to my doctor about him. For any woman that goes through it, be smart get out while you can. Don't wait til it is too late. I have had broken bones. Now I have a broken spirit along with no self esteem. Along with disliking him, I hate myself for always taking him back, because I knew that he would not change but I always felt sorry for him because of his bad heart. |
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