Replies to 'Troubled Teens'
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March 5, 2007, 5:44 am PST
 Quote From: docpsychrn I am so sorry to hear what you are going through with your son. I truly feel your pain! Granted my son is in a mental hospital trying to get stabilized but Juvenile can't wait to get their hands on him to put him back into detention. I know that detention is considerably better than prison...but it's still very hard for our juveniles and somewhat abusive in some cases. It hurts me worse than words can say to have to visit my son when he is in detention. The kids can't even turn their heads to see who walks into the room, they can't talk amongst themselves, they can't read a book unless given permission to do so and they sure can't talk to the staff about their "feelings" because they don't care what they are feeling. The last time my son was in there he needed to see the psychiatrist and they told him he could wait until he did his time and see a doctor on his own time. The assessment that the social worker does on the kids when they come in in order to "better serve their needs" went to everyone including my ex husband and it contained some very private and confidential information! I was sick to find out that my son and I had opened our lives to everyone including my ex and no one told me that they were going to do this. I have since learned my lesson and do not tell them anything personal no matter what. I thought what I was doing was helping my son get some help while he was there and they used it as a weapon against the entire family unit! Thank God my ex has no desire to take my kids from me or he would have had grounds to do so based on this "helpful" assessment. I wish there was something we could do as parents to deal with the treatment issues of our young boys and girls so that the government would stop treating them like they were adults. I don't think I truly grew up until I was almost 30 and had 3 babies! Just because they are considered adults at 18 doesn't mean that they are adults mentally. And to add drugs makes it worse. We so desperately need treatment facilities for our teenagers but because of money, there are very few around. I have spent countless hours looking on the Internet, contacting the Dept of Mental Health at our capital and writing letters to my congressmen and representatives. But NOTHING. Like you said, insurance companies decide just how long a child should be in the hospital and then they dictate when they are "healed". Because of the lack of services for our kids, they are locked up in detention facilities because there is no where else to go. Like the adults....we have an enormous amount of mentally ill prisoners in the prisons because there is nothing out there for them on the streets. Consequently they don't get their mental health needs met very well while incarcerated. As for the family being treated like the offender too........well that's true as well. I don't know how many times I have been to court and the judge and juvenile has made it look as if I condone what my son does and basically they blame me for what he is doing! We can't chain our children up in their rooms! What do they expect us to do with out of control kids? House arrest is okay but when my county only has 3 of them, they tell me that they can only use it for the really bad kids! Plus it costs me $5 a day. Juvenile costs me $10 a day. It's just a vicious circle that I have no answers for right now. All I can say is that we as parents have to keep supporting each other and talk about our issues. No one truly understands how we feel because unless they are in this situation, they don't understand. They have never felt the pain and suffering we endure day after day or the worry and fear. I am here for you to talk to if you ever need to contact me. I am a good listener and know a lot about mental health issues. I am no expert but I have 20 years psychiatric experience and have worked with all ages of kids and adults. I have helped others for years, I just can't help my own son....talk about feeling like a failure! Take care and thanks again. You are not a failure. It's hard to not feel guilty about what has happened to our children. I know I carry around a trunk-sized baggage of guilt myself. I have reason to feel guilty, however....my husband decided 12 years into our marriage (when my son was 4yo) that he was going to become an intravenous drug addict. I spent 8 years trying to get him clean and sober...and for him to STAY that way. It took me that long to realize there wasn't a single thing that *I* was going to do that would count for anything at all towards his sobriety. By then the damage to the family had been done. I think it affected my son the most. My older two children (both girls ages 23 and 21, respectively) have had a few issues...one has OCD and the other suffered from bulimia. But nothing like this. Don't get me wrong...I don't BLAME the situation for my son's problems...but I'll carry to my grave the belief that it contributed...HEAVILY. You know how misery loves company...well, I know a lot of people that are dealing with issues with sons like you and I are. There's one common denominator......*weak*, *ineffective* fathers. I'm not saying ALL disturbed and troubled boys have bad or ineffective fathers...there are always exceptions to every rule...but I've seen it too many times to not notice the pattern. Even when other behaviors aren't present (as in my husband's drug abuse)...fathers who just aren't there for their boys...or are neglectful or ineffective....it's just a recipe for disaster. BOYS NEED GOOD FATHERS. Period. My son's best friend has been in a juvenile detention center for 3 years now. He's only 16. I know the nightmare of those centers you've described. And the juvenile case workers don't appear to be working in the best interest of the child, imho. I'm sure there are some out there that do...I just haven't seen any in our own local juvenile office. And always...they want to point the finger to the parent and blame. Sure...I share some of the blame...but when my son first started acting out, where was the help? There wasn't any. There are no in-patient drug rehabilitation centers for adolescents in the state I live in. (Oklahoma) NOT ONE. There are plenty of behavioral centers that are located in hospitals, but there comes the insurance trouble. All my son ever got was two months...tops. Though he qualified to stay for AT LEAST a year....he got two months. I'm afraid there are going to be too many stories like ours unless/until something is done to facilitate a change in how we handle at-risk juveniles in this country. Of both sexes. Of all ages. Like you, I've written letters...made countless phone calls...to no avail. It's a national disgrace if you ask me. Housing these kids isn't doing a thing. It's not FIXING whatever is eating these kids alive. I have a smaller son at home..a child I had at 42, the last of our children with my husband..who's now deceased. (I left him and had no contact for 3 years before he died, btw)This child's life has been the polar opposite of how my son grew up. I live with a man who's ten years younger than myself...no children of his own...and has taken my own children into his life and heart as though they were biologically his. He's stood beside MY SON every step of the way. Never judged him. Always just been there for him with an extended hand of friendship. My son NOW knows how valuable that relationship is, and they've forged a bond and a love between them. I know there are tons of people who would judge me for not marrying..but I am just not able to do it at this current point in time, though I AM committed to this man for the rest of my life. That's neither here nor there...but he IS the father to my almost 7yo. I look at the difference between the two kids. That's not to say that my 6yo won't grow up to give us trouble...but I don't think it's going to be of this magnitude, if any at all. Barring the minor "growing pains" all teenagers go through, of course. He has a father that's very active in his life...spends time with him...and my son knows that there are boundaries and consequences when those boundaries are pushed. No hitting...just swift consequences. I don't know if anyone knows what I'm talking about when I say that it's different when it (the consequences) comes from a man. Very, very different. My SO has shed as many tears and laid awake at night as often as I have over my 17yo. My son has never had a clinical diagnosis of more than depression. I believe he suffers from PTSD myself...how could he not? 8 years of his life that he remembers before I left his father for good were practically a battlezone. But we weren't allowed to get to the root of all of that, the insurance said "enough". My email addy is in my profile, if you want to contact me. I believe as you do...that parents who are dealing with troubled kids need all the support they can get. Too often there is just judgment...no support. I have no room in my life for anyone to judge me, since that isn't their place. There's someone else that's going to do that for them. No one could judge me as harshly as I've judged myself anyway. I'd welcome hearing from you!!! |
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