Replies to 'Balancing Marriage and Family'

Dear Brandyfra,

I read what you wrote and recently I read here in Canada in the papers what a stay at home mom is worth. I had to look online but I found something similar that you may be interested in reading and sharing with your husband. He may have a hard job, however he also has the job for life of being a father. There is no excuse to make you work 24 hours a day because he has had a long day. He should be giving you a break and helping out, and there is no excuse for not helping you in any way with the home and kids.

Here's what I thought you'd be interested in reading:

"WHAT MOTHERS ARE REALLY WORTH. Stay-at-home mothers wear many hats. They're the family CEO, the daycare provider, accountant, chauffeur, counselor, chef, nurse, laundress, entertainer, personal stylist, and educator. Based on a 90-hour work week, Salary.com has estimated that a fair wage for the typical stay-at-home mom would be well over $90,000 for executing all of her daily tasks. Factor in overtime, and the appropriate salary takes a leap of around $25,000."

If you want to read more the website is:

http://www.salary.com/careers/layouthtmls/crel_display_Cat10_Ser253_Par358.html

Good luck and take care!

brandyfra,

Just because your husband is in the Army and works hard, that is no excuse for not helping you out around the house when he gets home.  I don't know what he does, but being a veteran myself, I know there is one day a week where the soldiers are released early for "Family Time".  If he isn't helping you out more on that day, then kick his butt and make him help out.  I think that Dr. Phil said it one (or more) of his shows that being a full time mom is like the equivalent of two full time jobs.  I think that's what he said.  That article that was posted in response also proves that point.

You shouldn't have to get a job to get some time to yourself.  That isn't fair to you.  One thing that I did with my husband (not service, just lazy) was tell him "Here, you get to watch our son, I'm going out for a few hours."  And I'd leave.  I'd go to the mall and walk around, or take care of some errands I'd been putting off because kids would make it harder.  If you're not around, he has to step up as the father.  Don't be hesitant about demanding time to yourself.  He gets his time while he's at work.  He should reciprocate for you when he gets home.

Actually you don't HAVE to do it.  You CHOOSE to do it.  And the not so funny thing is... hubby CHOOSES not to... hmmm... some partner, huh?

Raising children CAN BE VERY STRESSFUL!  It's neverending, 24/7!

How can hubby so sure that it's SO easy if he's never done it?!?  Challenge him!

So I suggest that one Saturday, you give yourself a break!  Tell him, if he thinks it's so easy, then he can do it for the day.  Then take his Mom out to lunch!  Or Get up, get dressed, and go do something GOOD for you!

Also I suggest that you setup some time for yourself.  Hire a sitter for an hour or two once a week or take the kids to Mother's Day-out at your local church, or get a play group going where one Mom in the group gets the day off each week.  Then go do something good for you.

I bet you'll amazed at how giving your self YOU time will replenish and refresh you without needing to call on Dad.

You have options!  Q

I feel your pain, and hopefully I can  be of some assistance. 

 I as well am in the Army and my wife stays at home with the two kids. We have had our difficult times and have moved through them learning irreplaceable lessons about each other, our marriage, and parenting. 

The first question to ask your husband, especially if he a leader; Ask him how it would feel having at least one of his soldiers with him 24/7. Then explain to him that's what being a mom is like. You are a leader responsible for the development and accomplishments of your most prized possession, YOUR KIDS.  

I at one time thought that being a stay at home mom was an easy job for my wife.  I came home after long day at work, a field problem, or PT and couldn't understand why my wife was having a hard day... after all who did she have to report to? It's not like she was training up to deploy or anything.. Well, needless to say I just didn't get it. A couple of things helped me learn that life wasn't all a bowl of cherries for her.  

First..annotate your daily schedule. Do it for two to three weeks. Being a stay at home mom is what you make it. If it is a job, treat it like one. Keep notes on all the little stuff like "Breakfast from 8:00-8:30 and so on. It will help you see what you have really done throughout the day.  Keep notes in the evening as well. (Fixed dinner and so-on).  As time progresses manage your day much like your husband might and keep to your schedule, it will help you be a little more efficient and accomplish more. After you have a solid schedule, post it. He will probably understand this because he constantly deals with training schedules. It lets him physically see what you are doing during your day at home. This also gives you the ability to tell him that you are busy, and what ever favor he needs done may have to wait because of "X" "Y" and "Z" are scheduled for the day. Picking up his dry cleaning or whatever it is....the dishes, cleaning, or dinner may have to wait.  

Second, Join a group through MWR or something, but get involved. It helps tremendously. A lot of the Army Programs provide free child support for volunteers.  

 This is also where I learned my lesson.... My wife was involved with AFTB and had to teach all day as a volunteer. She asked me to simply follow the published schedule and execute the schedule. I quickly learned that executing the list to standard was difficult. I forgot that kids sometimes don't like to do things according to schedules. My daughter fell asleep when we were supposed to be shopping so I let her sleep and the shopping didn't get accomplished. My wife got home and asked how the day went and I felt horrible because even though I could command Soldiers in combat, I couldn't execute a simple task like shopping.  

Last, keep in mind that you are new to marriage and marriage is a tough battle.  My wife were married for three years before we had kids. We thought we had it all figured out, we were so wrong.  I don't know of anybody who gets everything right the first time.  Keep this in mind as you work together and figure things out. I found that making mistakes are a normal process in life, but making them in front of the one you love the very most makes it hurt just a little more.  

I really hope the best for you and your husband.  

You just described my relationship too! My husband also has never given our 4 month old a bath and I can't recall the last time he fed her or changed her. He also has a demanding job. He's an electrician and works all day in the sun and heat. I tell him all the time that I know he works hard, but he has no idea what I do all day. He tells me he wishes he could sleep all day like me and watch soap operas on tv. If he only knew!! Lately he has been coming home from work later and later.... he leaves at 5:45 for work..... sometimes he won't be home until 6 or 7 even 8. He goes to the bar with the guys from work and tells me he deserves it cause he works so hard. Today on his day off he is now with his brother eating lunch. I called him and asked him why he couldn't eat lunch with his family. Then we start arguing and he hangs up on me. He likes to hang up on me.....I guess it makes him feel better. I am at my wits end. I don't know what to do. I tell him I will take our daughter and leave. He basically laughs at me. I have gotten both of our moms involved. The are pretty upset with him. He promised all of us he would change. It just keeps getting worse. And he tells me it's all my fault. I just want to scream at the top of my lungs!!! It helps to know I am not alone in though and other wives have the same problem.