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Replies to 'Step-Parenting'
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February 22, 2006, 5:25 pm PST
 Quote From: sirlowie I want everyone to know that I love my step-daughter very much, but sometimes I just don't like her. I know how selfish and childish this sounds, but I am near the end of my rope. I have been in this child's life since she was two. When I began dating her father, and just fell in love with both of them. In the beginning she lived with her mother and visited us every other weekend. Then her father and I became aware that there were some emotional/psychological problems with her mother. This was not a surprise as this was a major issue in the break up of my husband and his ex. Since my husband never really knew his father, and had a pretty unadjusted childhood he swore that he would never leave his daughter. We fought it out in court to get custody, and after 3 years of back and forth, my step daughter is now living with us. She and I have had problems for the past two years. The older she gets the more jealous she becomes of her father and I. He does not difuse this situation very well. She wants her mom and dad to get back together, and although we have told her this won't happen, she still tries to get her dad and I in arguments, and continues to push my buttons. I have tried every approach, but now that I have two children under the age of 2, I am affraid that her outbursts, and my reaction to them are going to effect them. Please give any advice you can.
hey girl..i am a 21 year old college student and i am not married to my man yet, but we do live together and he has a 6 year old daughter who visits us every two weeks...so i am technically beginning my life as a step mommy to this little girl. I have been reading a few books to help make this transition a bit easier..which is not easy by any means..and i am actually into the chapter that i think might help you. The book is called: "The single girl's guide to marrying a man, his kids, and his ex-wife"..i am not sure how old your step kids are..but if they are in their pre teens the books suggests that that behavior against you is intolerable and should be reprimended by the father. the book also stresses that you need to stand your ground and demand respect. let the kids know that you won't tolerate their behavior. i really do recommend this book because it helps becoming a stepmother with humor and grace. i know i am just a new "step mommy" so i dont have any experience with this problem..but i thought i would share what i have read from this book. hope your situation gets a bit better. yurani |
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May 27, 2007, 11:35 am PDT
Quote From: sirlowie I want everyone to know that I love my step-daughter very much, but sometimes I just don't like her. I know how selfish and childish this sounds, but I am near the end of my rope. I have been in this child's life since she was two. When I began dating her father, and just fell in love with both of them. In the beginning she lived with her mother and visited us every other weekend. Then her father and I became aware that there were some emotional/psychological problems with her mother. This was not a surprise as this was a major issue in the break up of my husband and his ex. Since my husband never really knew his father, and had a pretty unadjusted childhood he swore that he would never leave his daughter. We fought it out in court to get custody, and after 3 years of back and forth, my step daughter is now living with us. She and I have had problems for the past two years. The older she gets the more jealous she becomes of her father and I. He does not difuse this situation very well. She wants her mom and dad to get back together, and although we have told her this won't happen, she still tries to get her dad and I in arguments, and continues to push my buttons. I have tried every approach, but now that I have two children under the age of 2, I am affraid that her outbursts, and my reaction to them are going to effect them. Please give any advice you can.
So , is the child still visiting the mother. I have to think by the numbers you gave the child is about 7. That is what a lot of seven year olds do. You say you have younger children that need your attention more now. Maybe she is sensing that. If she has been with you all this time and since she was two I am surprised she has a sense of her mother and father's relationship. She was the baby for a while and now you have two more. I would think this is normal child behavoir not STEP child behavoir. The only difference I see is that she may have her mother filling her mind with thoughts. Spend time with her. You and her. Have her father keep the smaller children and you two go shopping and to a movie. Spend the day doing things she would like to do. She probably thinks she is losing her " mother" YOU. She may be making a claim on the other parent because she feels this way. I was a daddy's little girl and well that is special. I had step fathers and I loved them all. I had three. My dad used to say, " well you have a new dad now !" and I would say, " I only have one daddy, I have a step father" They did not try to be my father. My mother disciplined me. They were my friend. It is different but you two should be talking and he should be supporting you in that he is helping with the punishment if any, Seven year olds can be tough. It will pass. MY step daughter was seven when she came . Her mother died. She did the same. She needed to know she was loved. When I had a boy, she felt left out. I spent time. OH there came a time I said, you need to get over it. She was actually nine when he was born. They are closer than imaginable. I am her mother. She knows and remembers her mother, but she realizes I am the one that raised her, loved her and we are a family. A child can love both you know. I hope you do not ever let her hear you talk about her mother in a negative way.. Children have enough to cope with. Let her love you both . At least try to say positive. If she needs info on why her mother cant be with her or they are not, let her prince tell her. Don't let him make you the heavy. Wait till the teen years..Mother /Daughters in many cases have problems when they try to grow up and I have not seen much difference then bio and step. I think we tend to add the step and they feel it.. It is my other child. |
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June 26, 2007, 10:06 am PDT
Quote From: sirlowie I want everyone to know that I love my step-daughter very much, but sometimes I just don't like her. I know how selfish and childish this sounds, but I am near the end of my rope. I have been in this child's life since she was two. When I began dating her father, and just fell in love with both of them. In the beginning she lived with her mother and visited us every other weekend. Then her father and I became aware that there were some emotional/psychological problems with her mother. This was not a surprise as this was a major issue in the break up of my husband and his ex. Since my husband never really knew his father, and had a pretty unadjusted childhood he swore that he would never leave his daughter. We fought it out in court to get custody, and after 3 years of back and forth, my step daughter is now living with us. She and I have had problems for the past two years. The older she gets the more jealous she becomes of her father and I. He does not difuse this situation very well. She wants her mom and dad to get back together, and although we have told her this won't happen, she still tries to get her dad and I in arguments, and continues to push my buttons. I have tried every approach, but now that I have two children under the age of 2, I am affraid that her outbursts, and my reaction to them are going to effect them. Please give any advice you can.
Kids can be ver manipulative my sons at first did not like there step father because he would always sao no for any little tiny reason. We made a PLAN. We would sit down and talk about what was ok and what was not ok. When the issues would come he would have the same answer I had. They ran to there rooms cried and forget until they understood that we were both on the same page. They would have a day with him to do fun stuf I would be at work or doing grocery shopping. They would go out to the park or something. It made them understand that he was there not only to say no but that he was there because he loved them and enjoyed being with them.
It is very very hard at first, but things will get better. GOD BLESS!!! |
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June 26, 2007, 2:03 pm PDT
Quote From: sirlowie I want everyone to know that I love my step-daughter very much, but sometimes I just don't like her. I know how selfish and childish this sounds, but I am near the end of my rope. I have been in this child's life since she was two. When I began dating her father, and just fell in love with both of them. In the beginning she lived with her mother and visited us every other weekend. Then her father and I became aware that there were some emotional/psychological problems with her mother. This was not a surprise as this was a major issue in the break up of my husband and his ex. Since my husband never really knew his father, and had a pretty unadjusted childhood he swore that he would never leave his daughter. We fought it out in court to get custody, and after 3 years of back and forth, my step daughter is now living with us. She and I have had problems for the past two years. The older she gets the more jealous she becomes of her father and I. He does not difuse this situation very well. She wants her mom and dad to get back together, and although we have told her this won't happen, she still tries to get her dad and I in arguments, and continues to push my buttons. I have tried every approach, but now that I have two children under the age of 2, I am affraid that her outbursts, and my reaction to them are going to effect them. Please give any advice you can.
I know how you feel 100 % our lifes are alike in so many ways i married my husband 6 yrs ago i had 3 kids from another relationship my youngest and my stap daughter are only 2 months apart we got custody of her when she was 3yrs old at that time she was living with her grandmother her mom was in and out of her life and the same for my kid's father so my husband was the only dad my kids knew and i was really the only mom my stepdaughter had and it wasn't but about 6 mnths after she moved in with us she was calling me mom. i potty trained her took care of her when she was sick got her threw pre-school i was the one that put the money under her pillow when she loss her first tooth i did the parent teacher meetings made sure she had food in her belly and clothes on her back my husband went into rehad for drinking a couple of months after we got her he was gone for almost a yr she still seen him weekly. she was my best kid never gave me any trouble then when her dad came home that sweet little was gone she was acting out lie saying myself and my other three kids was mean to her she would tell her teachers i would make her do her homework then i would throw it away all kinds of stuff so the fighting got so bad between me and my husband my three kids moved in with my parents in till things calmed down well it didn't it got worse she was loving the control of us fighting and she getting her daddy all to herself so she said and did anything should could i walked on eggshells around her i would never be alone with her not even in the same room i didn't talk to her and tried not to even look her way because if i would she would run to my husband and say i was saying mean things to her and hear my husband was stuck in the middle he knew i wasn't doing the things she say i did but couldn't understand why she would say the things should would about me. one day i came home from work all of there stuff was packed up my husband told me he loved me very much but couldn't take it anymore he wanted to live in seprate house but not to divorce that killed me and my step daughter loved every min of it need to say things got even worse my husband started drinking again real heavy end up having to do 2 yrs in prision for dui that is where he is now my step daughter is with my sister in law and getting worse day by day now at the age of ten if myself or my three kids try to talk to my husband durning a visit she jumps right in and makes it all about her if i try to get close or touch my husband she will get in between us and give me the evilest looks but what has changed is my husband now can see what she was and still is trying to do brake us up and any cost and he is no longer taken it he told her no more lie this is my wife and my three other kids and nothing you can say or do that will seprate us again and she is hating that so i say just stick in there |
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