Replies to 'Defining Your Authentic Self'
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July 27, 2005, 8:56 am PDT
 Quote From: teri_id You know, Life continues to be a learning experience. My boyfriend and I have pack goats. We take them into the mountains, and they faithfully carry anything we ask. Our oldest goat, Mackay, was with us the last time we went in the middle of June. While we were hiking, there was a rather large log we all had to cross. Everyone made it across, yet afterwards, Mackay stumbled a bit. He didn't complain or give us any indication that he was in pain, so we continued. There have been may times since we came home from that trip that Mackay came and rubbed us with his head with tears in his eyes. I even remarked that I did not know goats could cry, but seeing this had a deep effect on me. Appearantly not deep enough. Last Sunday we were in the barnyard giving the baby goats their last bottle and found Mackay laying down. At first we thought he was dead. He did pick up his head when I walked to him, and when I touched him, he was incredibly hot. We immediately gave him water to drink, which he drank half a bucket in just a few seconds. We got him to stand up and he stumbled on his front leg. I felt over his legs, seeing if there was any heat or anything and when feeling under his chest I found a very old wound, infected and gangrenous.
We started right away, doing all of the right things, trying to save our sweet goat. He is doing better, but only time will tell. I have not slept well the last few nights because of the guilt I feel for not heeding those tears I saw. I felt it in my gut that something was wrong, and I ignored it. I have learned a huge lesson at an innocent friend's expense. Thus, I am carrying guilt. I am not sharing this story for anyone to tell me not feel bad, how could I have known, etc. I am sharing this because I am trying to own my part, which was not listening. Anyone have any solid advice on how to help the guilt? It is not really helping anything, yet it has even effected my appetite. This sort of thing cannot be good, and in the past my M.O. has been to ignore it, pretend I didn't feel anything. Well, being authentic means being real, and my real right now is I feel guilty and I am not sure what to with it. Any input would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for "listening" to me. Teri I know you're not looking for excuses, but I'm sorry, you COULDN"T have known your goat was hurt unless you had been through this before. Animals instinctively hide injury and illness. In the wild, any indication of ill health marked the animal as a target for predators. Your goat hid it from you because that's what they do. As (sometimes) intelligent beings, we feel guilty because we project human qualities on our pets and other animals. You will continue to feel bad for awhile, it's inevitable, but Mackay does not hold you in any kind of reproach for not seeing his pain. On the other hand, now that you have learned this lesson, I know that you will keep a sharper eye on the rest of the herd, so Mackay's death was not in vain, and served a purpose. I'm sorry for your loss. |
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July 27, 2005, 10:18 am PDT
Quote From: teri_id You know, Life continues to be a learning experience. My boyfriend and I have pack goats. We take them into the mountains, and they faithfully carry anything we ask. Our oldest goat, Mackay, was with us the last time we went in the middle of June. While we were hiking, there was a rather large log we all had to cross. Everyone made it across, yet afterwards, Mackay stumbled a bit. He didn't complain or give us any indication that he was in pain, so we continued.
There have been may times since we came home from that trip that Mackay came and rubbed us with his head with tears in his eyes. I even remarked that I did not know goats could cry, but seeing this had a deep effect on me. Appearantly not deep enough.
Last Sunday we were in the barnyard giving the baby goats their last bottle and found Mackay laying down. At first we thought he was dead. He did pick up his head when I walked to him, and when I touched him, he was incredibly hot. We immediately gave him water to drink, which he drank half a bucket in just a few seconds. We got him to stand up and he stumbled on his front leg. I felt over his legs, seeing if there was any heat or anything and when feeling under his chest I found a very old wound, infected and gangrenous.
We started right away, doing all of the right things, trying to save our sweet goat. He is doing better, but only time will tell.
I have not slept well the last few nights because of the guilt I feel for not heeding those tears I saw. I felt it in my gut that something was wrong, and I ignored it. I have learned a huge lesson at an innocent friend's expense. Thus, I am carrying guilt.
I am not sharing this story for anyone to tell me not feel bad, how could I have known, etc. I am sharing this because I am trying to own my part, which was not listening. Anyone have any solid advice on how to help the guilt? It is not really helping anything, yet it has even effected my appetite. This sort of thing cannot be good, and in the past my M.O. has been to ignore it, pretend I didn't feel anything. Well, being authentic means being real, and my real right now is I feel guilty and I am not sure what to with it. Any input would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for "listening" to me. Teri I have said a prayer for you. You have and are doing all that you can for your beloved. And he knows it. You feel guilty because you have 1001 things you should have done and didn't. That is the past and you can not do anything to change it. It wasn't done deliberately and dealing with guilt isn't going to help you with your beloved, Mackay.
Give him your special attention and it means doing whatever you feel is the right thing.
Know that you have learned from this sad time in your life. You will never let it happen to Mackay again or to any of your other beloveds.
I came home from a trip to find my beloved Victor (my cat) had an open sore. He got hit by a car for the 2nd time. I can't keep him in my home and I can't live with guilt because it's his choice to be an outside cat. all I can do is pay the medical bill (for the 2nd time in 4 years) and pray that this time he's learned that when it comes between him and a car - he's going to lose. The first, I felt so guilty but then I had to remember, they do not listen or behave in ways that we do. In fact, an animal when hurt will hide it because in the wild, they would be left to die.
Because you are doing your best and you are taking care of him with all that you can - know that Mackay understands. He will survive because you give him strength and love daily. |
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July 29, 2005, 1:04 am PDT
Quote From: teri_id You know, Life continues to be a learning experience. My boyfriend and I have pack goats. We take them into the mountains, and they faithfully carry anything we ask. Our oldest goat, Mackay, was with us the last time we went in the middle of June. While we were hiking, there was a rather large log we all had to cross. Everyone made it across, yet afterwards, Mackay stumbled a bit. He didn't complain or give us any indication that he was in pain, so we continued.
There have been may times since we came home from that trip that Mackay came and rubbed us with his head with tears in his eyes. I even remarked that I did not know goats could cry, but seeing this had a deep effect on me. Appearantly not deep enough.
Last Sunday we were in the barnyard giving the baby goats their last bottle and found Mackay laying down. At first we thought he was dead. He did pick up his head when I walked to him, and when I touched him, he was incredibly hot. We immediately gave him water to drink, which he drank half a bucket in just a few seconds. We got him to stand up and he stumbled on his front leg. I felt over his legs, seeing if there was any heat or anything and when feeling under his chest I found a very old wound, infected and gangrenous.
We started right away, doing all of the right things, trying to save our sweet goat. He is doing better, but only time will tell.
I have not slept well the last few nights because of the guilt I feel for not heeding those tears I saw. I felt it in my gut that something was wrong, and I ignored it. I have learned a huge lesson at an innocent friend's expense. Thus, I am carrying guilt.
I am not sharing this story for anyone to tell me not feel bad, how could I have known, etc. I am sharing this because I am trying to own my part, which was not listening. Anyone have any solid advice on how to help the guilt? It is not really helping anything, yet it has even effected my appetite. This sort of thing cannot be good, and in the past my M.O. has been to ignore it, pretend I didn't feel anything. Well, being authentic means being real, and my real right now is I feel guilty and I am not sure what to with it. Any input would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for "listening" to me. Teri I have issues with guilt as well. I share a similar type of event with you. A little over six years ago, I left my pekingese with my father so that I could go meet my now husband. I was going through a rough time in life and, after talking with my husband for some time about computer things and each other, I felt like it was time to meet and find out if he was too good to be true. I planned on either returning or returning to get my darling pekingese to take with me as soon as possible. I spoke with my father and he said he would take good care of him. My father is a man disposed to violence after drinking, and had not too long before left a sizeable( 12" or so) cut in my arm, not to mention choking and ultimately ended up at the other end of a 9mm I had bought (which I sold shortly thereafter, because I didn't want to end up pulling the trigger). He is not a nice man when he drinks, which is often. This I knew, but failed to adequately consider when I left that sweet, defenseless puppy there. Needless to say, I went back a few weeks later, having realized my mistake in leaving him and being filled with terror at finding him poorly disposed, I went back to get my darling. I found him with a ulcer in one eye that had eaten to the retina. We took him for treatment, but he was permanently blinded in that eye and forever left disabled and not whole. The worst part, I have no idea what he endured while there. I can only imagine, and it makes me so full of sadness for his suffering because of my very poor judgement. I can never forgive my father for his injuries. He was defenseless. I am still riddled with guilt for my own part in his suffering. The best part... my little darling, my husband and I are a very happy family. My husband helps me spoil him by giving him more attention than I possibly could have alone. The spoiled character gets the best of healthcare, the best of food, massages at least every other day, tummy rubs several times a day, playing always and laps snuggles whenever we sit. We carry him outside, down the stairs four to six times a day to potty, since he can't on his own. He has a full life and the vet is amazed at his health. He is still as healthy and happy as a puppy. I am forced to admit my husbands insight is correct. It happened, it's terrible it ever did. My little darling is still the happiest, spoiled, healthy and sweet doggy to ever walk the face of the earth. He's alright, so should I be. He is now thirteen years old, and has recently lost the sight in his other eye. I assuage my own guilt by making sure that he is well taken care of. He is spoiled and I am happy that way. He has forgiven me, he never held it against me. Animals are great that way. He has never associated me with that pain. He associates me with salvation from it. We should take our cues from them. You didn't hurt him, the stick did. We do the best we can. They love us for it. Just treat him with the best you can and make him happy. |
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