Replies to 'Stay At Home Dads'
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May 18, 2007, 6:25 pm PDT
 Quote From: mrmom32 Hello, I'm new to the board. I've come here trying to find help with my problems. I am a stay-at-home-dad but my wife hates the fact that I don't work. Even though her job brings home roughly 4X the income of person in our area she still finds issues that frustrate her to the point where we are on the brink of divorce.
I'd like to state that I am 28 (my wife 25) and we have 2 kids....3 & 9. I think if you do the math on the 9 yr old you'll see some of our problems. My wife had our 9 yr old daughter hen she was 16 and still living at home. I was 19 and worked in a factory to support myself and pay for my daughter but this had unseen consequences. Since they (my wife & daughter) didn't live with me until she was 3 I wasn't able to be around my daughter for all the little things parents get to do when they have children. I didn't get to be around her and see her playing all the time, I didn't get to have a part in rasing her like I would've liked, I didn't get to cuddle with her while she slepted, I didn't get to comfort her when she hurt herselft,I didn't get to see her first steps,etc.. I missed out on alot of that stuff that my wife & her parents experienced and unfortunatly you can see that in me/my daughers relationship now.
My daughter loves me of course but we don't have near the bond that my wife and her parents do. It frustrates me that she doesn't act like she loves me as much and that in turn effects the way I treat her sometimes. I mean you ask her to rate the importance of people in her life she'll say mom#1 and garndma & grandpa #2.
I say all this cause when we had my son (3 yrs old) I desperately wanted to be there for every small detail. I was going to college and decided to quit to raise him. Since then the bond that I've created with him has been unimaginable. It has meant so much to me that I am getting to do all those things that I missed with my daughter.
Why won't my wife understand that I needed this? To me no amount of money and climbing the corporate ladder is worth not having a good relationship with your famliy. We just don't see eye to eye on this. It also doesn't help that I'm from a small, working man's town. Everybody looks at me like I'm a lazy bum because I stay at home and raise my children. It's ingrained into everyone that the man should always work and that it's unimaginable for a male to not work and stay at home. This has also contributed to the stress on my marriage. From my mother, my in-laws, and the community everyone views me as that lazy bum type who doesn't want to work.
Is there any advice you guys (and even woman if they read this) can give me to help? I love my famliy more than anything in this world and I don't want what I had growing up (my parents divorced when I was 9). I have a friend that is in your exact situation. At first I was a huge advocate of him and though that he had the best interest of his children at heart while his cold-hearted soon-to-be-ex-wife was a terrible mother who simply wanted to fling her children into childcare...
I also majored in psychology so I did a lot of intesive studies on this as it related to my major. However, come to find out...it wasn't quite that way. He actually was being very selfish. Wanting to have his cake and eat it too basically. Think of how you would feel wanting to experience all of your children's moments every minute....but not being able to at all because your spouse wanted all of that for herself and didn't want to share it or contribute...leaving you the only option of working your life away to support everyone and all of her demands and wishes. Its one thing if a family agrees that one of the parents should stay at home...but its entirely a different situation when one parent just wants what they want and want to have it right now no matter what it costs to whom. If your wife wants you to contribute, than it is only fair you do so. She has the legal right to demand you do so in the event of a divorce also....chances are they will not grant you enough alimony or full-custody child support and you will have no choice but to get a job or be deemed unfit to have custody at all.
If your wife does not want to support you while you stay at home, then that's that. You should get a job, contribute, and compromise in some way. Anything else is actually very selfish. And the strain it will put on your marriage (and the no doubt impending divorce) will end up affecting your children horribly in the long run. By not being willing to compromise, and not sacrificing some of what you want for the greater good, you are being selfish and she has every right to be upset. If she doesn't want to support you, she doesn't have to. And they will not give you the children if you have no means of supporting yourself.
Best to just realize you can't have it all, deal with what you have, and make the best of it....or in a way your putting your own desires even above whats in the best interest of your children and your family completely and be an even more destructive force (see above). The sooner you realize you can't just have your ideal situation with no effort on your part, the better. Reality bites, but you have the ability to help your children make lemonade out of lemons. |
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July 7, 2007, 6:33 pm PDT
Quote From: mrmom32 Hello, I'm new to the board. I've come here trying to find help with my problems. I am a stay-at-home-dad but my wife hates the fact that I don't work. Even though her job brings home roughly 4X the income of person in our area she still finds issues that frustrate her to the point where we are on the brink of divorce.
I'd like to state that I am 28 (my wife 25) and we have 2 kids....3 & 9. I think if you do the math on the 9 yr old you'll see some of our problems. My wife had our 9 yr old daughter hen she was 16 and still living at home. I was 19 and worked in a factory to support myself and pay for my daughter but this had unseen consequences. Since they (my wife & daughter) didn't live with me until she was 3 I wasn't able to be around my daughter for all the little things parents get to do when they have children. I didn't get to be around her and see her playing all the time, I didn't get to have a part in rasing her like I would've liked, I didn't get to cuddle with her while she slepted, I didn't get to comfort her when she hurt herselft,I didn't get to see her first steps,etc.. I missed out on alot of that stuff that my wife & her parents experienced and unfortunatly you can see that in me/my daughers relationship now.
My daughter loves me of course but we don't have near the bond that my wife and her parents do. It frustrates me that she doesn't act like she loves me as much and that in turn effects the way I treat her sometimes. I mean you ask her to rate the importance of people in her life she'll say mom#1 and garndma & grandpa #2.
I say all this cause when we had my son (3 yrs old) I desperately wanted to be there for every small detail. I was going to college and decided to quit to raise him. Since then the bond that I've created with him has been unimaginable. It has meant so much to me that I am getting to do all those things that I missed with my daughter.
Why won't my wife understand that I needed this? To me no amount of money and climbing the corporate ladder is worth not having a good relationship with your famliy. We just don't see eye to eye on this. It also doesn't help that I'm from a small, working man's town. Everybody looks at me like I'm a lazy bum because I stay at home and raise my children. It's ingrained into everyone that the man should always work and that it's unimaginable for a male to not work and stay at home. This has also contributed to the stress on my marriage. From my mother, my in-laws, and the community everyone views me as that lazy bum type who doesn't want to work.
Is there any advice you guys (and even woman if they read this) can give me to help? I love my famliy more than anything in this world and I don't want what I had growing up (my parents divorced when I was 9). It is great that you want all of the bonding time with your children, but please let me remind you that it is not how much time you spend with your child that determines your bond. It is all about the quality of the time that you have together that will be the strongest determining factor in your bond with the child. I would like to alert you to the fact that as you are bonding with your 3 year old you are not spending time with your 9 year old.
Also, if you are having difficulty with your wife, that is also time lost from your children. All and all the point is that you should go back to work (part-time). Because if your household requires the extra income then go get it. Your children will not suffer a great lose, but will gain a more respectful view of how you as a man (and listen up to the woman as well) get it done! Stop worrying about missing this moment or that moment...what a bunch of wasted time dwelling on the past moments that you will never get back. Go forward and deal with the now! Motivate yourself to get on with your life.
Hopefully you will take a moment and ponder this. Then hug each member of your family,,,then go out and get a job. The only successful way to be a stay at home mom or dad is if the other parent supports that as an acceptable decision (applies to multiparent households). If you were so worried about your time with your children then why would you want to become a weekend--every other weekend--some holidays---maybe christmas type of dad! Bills need to be paid, food needs to be bought, and kids need clothes...so unless you get it free! Go get the money to help out! Never think that you are irreplaceable! |
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