Replies to 'Divorce Support'

Here is my problem. Me and my wife have been married 7 yrs (I'm 28, she's 25).  During those 7 years we've had our ups&downs, mainly because we were so young and immature. But no matter how bad it got we always worked things out because we loved each other so much...until now. Now it looks to be over and it's just crushing me inside. My wife says that she's not happy in her life but she doesn't know if it has to do with her or our mariage. So instead on trying to figure that out she would rather divorce and see if that helps. Me on the other hand thinks that divorce should be the last resort and if she's unhappy we should find out why first and then try to work on that, not divorce and hope that our marriage was the problem.

I try to talk to her about her feelings but, quite frankly, she stinks at communication. When we talk about it I usually get a blank stare, a shoulder shrug, or her famous answer "I don't know" and that really frustrates me. We used to be so much in love and were best friends but it seems as though she's distancing herself more & more. When she does decide to talk she likes to mention things that she's unhappy with me about but they are small things that most marriages have, in my opinion. Here is a little list of some of the things that might cause our divorce cause she's unhappy with:

- She hates the fact that I don't work and I'm a stay at home dad. (to where I reply that I missed out so much on our first child that I want to make sure I have that with our youngest child. Me & my oldest child don't have a very good relationship but not because I don't try. I think it's mainly due to the fact that her & my wife lived with her parents for the first 3 years of her life. She saw me but she was always around her grandparents & mom and a bond was formed that I don't have. More on that see my post in stay-at-home-dads http://www.drphil.com/messageboard/topic/1840 )

- I don't have a good relationship with her dad like she wants (to where I reply that I've tried and I would continue to try but it's a 2 way street. While I make the effort he also has to make an effort. That meant stop coming over every other day, stop trying to be in control of everything we do, and act like this house & this family is it's own SEPERATE family and give it that respect. I told her it was a clear indication of how bad it was when she bought a ne car and she freaked out to what her dad was going to do. All this when she's a grown woman, married, living in her own home, and being a registered nurse).

- How she can't just sit down & relax or take a hot bath (to which I replied, she does sit down and relax. She actually watches more TV than I do. And if she would rather take a hot bath and relax then stop watching TV, go upstairs, and take a bath. If she said thats what she was doing I'd make sure the kids don't bother her. I even tell her that she needs a hobby to where she can just unwind).

- How she feels that she never gets alone time. That I'm always here. (to which I reply, that she can have alone time all she wants. She just has to say so. She goes out with her friend every now & then. I also bring it up to her how ironic that a few years ago it was me who always felt like I never got alone time. That I would work and come home and always have to be with her. Thats why I always went to my friends house when I could  but she wanted me to stay home and be more of a family. That I should want to be with her & the kids.........so I changed cause she wanted me to. But now she is doing the EXACT SAME THING! Identical in everyway. She's seeing what I felt like and when I ask her why she's not singing the tune anymore of "why don't you stay home and be with me & the kids" she give her famous answer "I don't know". Right now I'm a stay at home dad and I don't get any alone time for myself, which is probably bad, but I sacrifice that because I enjoy being with my wife & kids. My wife was my best friend so whenever we did something together I felt as though I was going out with my friends).

-  It bugs her I won't always give her a massage when she wants one (to which I reply, I have given her lots of massages but yes I do admit that I don't always feel like giving one when she wants it. I usually say later or tomorrow. That makes her mad? I also tell her it's a 2 way street and it makes me mad that when I hurt and ask for one that night or something she always says "yea I'd like one too". It's like it's always about her. So if I get this right she wants me to give her a massage whenever she wants and when I want a massage I have to give her one as well??? I told her that yes, while we do massage each other the same night it's also nice to get a massage when someones hurting and not have to give one back right away. She understands that when she's hurting (cause I don't get one back) but she can't understand that when I'm hurting?

- It bugs her how I don't "have God in my life" (to which I reply, that yes I do have God in my life but I just don't express it the way she does. I've never liked the church scene and never will. But that doesn't mean I don't believe in God.  Other than going to her church on Sunday I have God in my life just like she does. She prays sometimes....so do I. Only thing I don't do is go to church and I find it hard to believe that God only loves those who sit in a building and sing 1 day a week. I must have missed that comandment. I thought it was more about choices & lifestyle. But she knew all thins when we were dating).

- It frustrates her when I don't want sex when she does. (to which I reply that she knows how to turn me on and if she's wanting that intimacy then do something to get me in the mood. It's the exact same thing she tells me to do. If I happen to be in the mood and she's not, she'll tell me to start kissing on her neck, kiss her ears, or start caressing her and get her in the mood.....it's the same thing I say that she can do to me but she doesn't feel that she should have to. She thinks I should just be ready to go all the time and thats not how I am. I mean yea I'm a man and I think about sex alot during the day but I'm not walking around "horny" all the time. I ask her that "you know when your horny and you can't have sex for some reason......if frustrates you doesn't it?" Now imagine if I was suppossed to be horny 24/7 and just waiting on the opportunity.....I would be bouncing off walls!). 

These are just some of the things (that I can remember) that when she does decide to talk about why she's unhappy, she comes up with. Most if not all of them to me, are things that most relationships go through. These aren't things that can't be worked on or compromised. I feel like she doesn't think a marriage requires work. Thats if theres any kind of problem then, boom, divorce time. It seems she has problem of really wanting to play the victim role in our relationship. It's always my fault or I caused this. Just like the above problems she states. She'd rather look at it as I'm not doing what she wants and I'm to blame.

I'll admit that I was no were near the type of husband I should've been in the beginning but she also had her moments of not being a good wife. We've both had affairs early on but decided to work it out because our love for each other. I changed my ways of partying all the time, hanging out at my friends house on the weekend, not cooking, not cleaning, not taking care of the kids, and not being a good husband to her. I worked on what I needed to to make this marriage work. I wish she would do the same.

I'm sorry for the long post. I'm new here and I just felt like I needed someone to talk to through this problem. Any advice (male or female) I'd be glad to accept it. I really am out of options.