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Replies to 'The Meaning of "Family"'
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March 28, 2007, 8:02 pm PDT
 Quote From: sarahcash37 Let me tell you a story of love and compassion. My husband and I were both abused badly by our parents. Neither one of us have ever felt like our parents ever wanted us or loved us. In 1989 we met on July 2. It was the best day of our lives. Finally we felt that we had someone in this world that loved us. Each other. We got together and dated for a few months. Immediately my husband knew that something bad was wrong with me. After years of hiding the truth my secret was out. I was anorexic. I weighed 70 lbs when I graduated high school. I had been this way for about 9 years and was on the verge of killing myself. My then boyfriend, Shannon, tried to tell my non caring parents that I needed help. They did not listen. We got married in December 1989. Boy that was an experience. He was 17 and I was almost 19. But we knew that we were meant for each other. He told me of years of abuse that he had suffered at the hands of his parents and step mother. He told me of being beaten to a pulp by his overbearing child-molesting father. I knew of the physical and mental abuse but neither of us had any idea that he was a child molester. That sent my "religious parents over the edge. They could not realize that he was a victim also. On that day in 1994, August 4, at around 1:00 that day is when our lives were forever changed. His father was arrested an 12 counts of child molesting rape, and other horrid crimes. My husband and I didn't know how to deal with this. I just withdrew inside myself and though I was not harming myself any more I still had problems with my weight. My husband had told me after I had almost killed myself with laxatives that he would leave and take our son that he could not allow our son to be seeing this all the time till I was dead. He said that he loved me but he could not watch it either. Finally I realized that I did not have to do this to myself and most of all my son and husband. We had enough problems to cope with. He made 15 dollars an hour and I made money on the side cleaning. When his father was arrested we took over his payments because our trailer was on his land. We kept up with the payments for a year then we had had enough. We decided to sell everything that we could and leave the rest. Up to this time we had had an excellent credit rating but the strain of dealing with all of the shame and pain that was going on had taken its toll on my husband. He tried suicide, holding a gun to his head because he hurt so bad inside. He drank up to 2 fifths a day plus beer. Just to get away from the pain. After 2 years his body had had enough along with his mind. He drove his truck into trees at 85 miles an hour. He was badly hurt and had to have reconstructive surgery on his hand now it is eight times. He was out of work for about 9 months. We lost everything then even our car. He got better, slowed the drinking, got some therapy but had never dealt with the real problem. His abusive father. Around 1998 we contacted the girls that my father in law molested, my husbands sisters, and it was not good. They could not get past the fact that my husband looked like their father and my husband could not get over the fact that his father had done these horrible things. He felt guilty because of those precious girls. Around 2001 my husband had a nervous breakdown. He withdrew from everyone and everything. He didn't go outside to even check the mail. He would have panic attacks every time that I would have to leave the house because he was so scared of what might happen. We started down the road to the bottom. We went through lots of lemon cars and not being able to pay all of our bills. Then in 2005 we lost our power. We spent about a month in the heat with no power. We sold our trailer and moved to a motel. Then we went to public housing. That was the last straw. We then lost our car again and had no money to get another one. During this time my abusive parents kept things going. All over town they and my sister would spread things about us. Horrible things. They tried to have our son taken away, even though they didn't know anything about him even his age. He was 13 and they told social services that he was 9. What a joke. His own grandparents didn't even know his age. They had no idea that he was number 10 in a class of 900 students, he was selected for a scholarship in the sixth grade, or that his GPA was a 4.0. In all of this he had kept his grades up. We always made sure that he was taken care of. We made sure everyday that he had what he needed and the confidence to succeed. In 2005, November, we packed up in a u-haul and moved 180 miles from our abusive families. We have not had contact with these people for about 7 years now. The best decision that we ever made was to leave that area and get a fresh start. Now my husband and I are going to school to be nurses and have the potential of getting jobs that will pay like 25 dollars an hour. We have given up on hope that our families will ever be normal and that they could ever love us. Now our son has been nominated for various other things. Things that inly about 200 kids world wide are nominated for. We are proud of him and love him with all our hearts. We have been married for 17 years and are more happy than we have ever been. If there is anyone out there that is going through things like this don't give up there is hope find the root of your problem and solve it. Our solution came with moving, not saying that it was easy we had to give away a 24 foot u-haul of our belongings and had to walk quite a ways because of not having a car but we now have a good car and good jobs and good potential to get work when we complete our studies. You are never too old to learn. Wow what a story!! I am so glad that there is a light at the end of the long dark tunnel for you and your family. Also congrats to both you and your husband for going back to school. I just had to let you know that you are not alone in what you and your family have been through, there are those of us who have been down the exact path that you have. My husband just completed college last May and is now a RN at 41 yrs old. He went through a pretty tough childhood also, but was able to transform himself into a very compasionate, responsible and understanding person. He and I just celebrated our 1 yr anniversary. It has been the happiest year of my entire life!! Now that his life has come together, he has given me the opportunity to transform my life, I will be starting school next spring to become a respiratory therapist at the ripe old age of 36!! I believe that all things happen at exactly the right time in our lives and the bad things that we endure in our lives eventually give us the strength and determination to go beyond what anyone could ever expect of us!! Best wishes to you and your familly!! Jennifer |
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