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September 27, 2005, 9:26 am PDT
How Childhood Abuse Still Affects Me
Quote From: lucygirlI read Catskat3 and ahve to tell you that you are not alone. I have been divorced for 12 years and keep the weight on to protect myself from relationships. I am so programmed to feel worthless that I even put off making new friends--how can anyone want to be around me. I feel they won't find out if I don't let them close. Even at 50 I have never told my family about my brother's friend and my principal from grade one. They didn't believe me when I tried to tell them then, they don't want to hear it now! Sometimes therapy just brings it all up and I have to relive it and I don't want to. The way I deal with it is to say yes, it happened, but I am a big girl now and I determine my destiny... which doesn't work well, but it is the best way I know. I just do not trust people, no one, not my kids, not my parents, not really even my good friends. I am still jumpy.. my kids are always amazed at how fast I can move when I hear a noise! I read life lessons and then had to put it down, not able to deal with it alone! I am trying to do it again with Dr.Phil's weight loss book, but I can only take it so far because I am so afraid to be without the protection of all the fat! i know how you feel about being startled by noise. i have post traumatic stress disorder because of my abuse that i endured for over 15 years. it began as just verbal abuse turned into physical abuse, then sexual abuse. i had two children by this man. i pressed charges on him so he could get slapped on the wrist and only serve ten years. i am still haunted by his image. i have nightmares and fear for my life from time to time wondering after he gets out of prison if he is going to find me. i fear this everyday as it gets closer for him to be let out.
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