Replies to '08/29 Moms Gone Wild'

I did what you did for almost four decades. I gave up on my father (for different reasons than yours) and pretended that I was fine. My unresolved anger, resentment and frustration carried with me into all my relationships. I allowed my power and control to be taken from me. It wasn't until I was over 40 that I decided that being angry and resentful (and not having a relationship w my father) was hurting me MUCH more than it hurt him.

I finally decided (thru the help of my church ministry) to FORGIVE my father. It took awhile and I had to FORCE myself to hug my father...little by little. Eventually it got easier. And finally I made it to full forgiveness (even though this man never apologized to me or admitted his awful mistakes).

I forgave him for MY SAKE. I lost all that burden I had been walking around with. I got to spend all that negative energy I once held on being happy. I found peace and harmony.

In February of this year, I was with my father as he died. I held him hand, told him I loved him and I watched him go. Still, no apology from him, but I didn't need one. He was a man who made mistakes (some very bad ones), but he loved me. I found examples of that love when I really looked hard for it. To him, feeing, clothing me and putting a roof over my head (as a child) was his way of telling me he loved me. No, it wasn't enough years ago, but as an adult, it is plenty. He could not have given me what I needed emotionally, but that didn't make him a horrible person. It made him merely a flawed human being.

We all make mistakes (some of us make bigger ones), but each one of us has some redeeming quality. It's up to us to find that redeeming quality and forgive the bad ones. It's what God reqires of us and it's now what I require of myself.

I am free, not because of my 81-yr-old father's death. I am free because I forgave him prior to his death. It's a gift I gave myself. It doens't mean I shall ever forget the pain and suffering I had at his hands as a child. It simply means I moved forward and showed compassion.

If your mother is not an emotionally healthy person, you SHOULDN"T be around her. However, hating her and avoiding her are two different things (hating harms you more than it harms her). Your mother does not sound like a happy person. And perhaps she has other ailments (mental ailments) that nobody will ever diagnose. Please don't waste your energy on hating her. It will negatively affect all your other relationships and take up too much of your valuable time.

Get help for yourself (professional couseling, talking to a pastor, etc), and let the anger go. Don't give your mother that much power over you. Pity her. I would venture to guess that, by her behavior, she already feels very alone in this world. Sad people behave the way she is behaving.

I want you happy, but YOU have to make the decision to be happy. Being angry or hating your mother is not the way to achieve it. God bless you and good luck. At 32, I was busy hating my father and feeling sorry for myself. I want more for you than that!

Someone very wise once told me that "We don't need toxic people in our lives.  They're hard enough without that."  My father was the same way.  I wrote him out of my life, with the help of my husband giving me the backbone I needed and still need to this day, three years ago this month.  I did not trust him to be a decent person around myself, my husband, or my son.  All of my stress-related health issues have been resolved and I am at peace.  If your mother - or father- is draining you emotionally, limit or eliminate contact with them.  It is very difficult.  But at least you have siblings to help you with this.  You and your sister need to come togetherand stand firm.  Lean on each otherand make a pact that unless you see REAL, Fruitful cahange in your mother, you will not under any circustances make any contact with her.  That is the only way to do it.  Tell her not to call you.  If she does, don't answer.  That's why we have caller ID.  Any important information you can get through other siblings or family members; and you can see the fruits of change from a distance.  Comepletely disengage yourself.  It's not easy.  There have been so many times when I wanted to call or hear his voice, but then I would realize that if I did, he would have access to me again, and my son.  I don't want that.  So I stay away. 

I feel sorry for any child who has to deal with parents that are self-serving and neglectful.  It makes growing up harder than it has to be.  But if these kids can get a good, loving support system around them, hopefully they can weather the storm and grow stronger because of it.