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Replies to '08/01 Know-It-All In-Laws'
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April 22, 2007, 8:21 pm PDT
 Quote From: twinsma546 I am so sorry that you have been through so much with your inlaws especially since you are new parents and trying to adjust to that huge change in your life. My husband and I are in a similar boat with 1 year old twins and have been estranged with his parents for the past 4 years. We too have made every attempt to resolve things but they never meet us half way. I STRONGLY feel that we should not include them in our lives. Some people, including Dr P. say that there is no greater love than a grandparent. I disagree. The grandparents are not being loving to the granchildren if they can't be respectful to the parents. I understand the pressure from other family members too...
I hope that you, your husband and daughter will be able to have all of the happiness that you deserve away from your narcisistic inlaws. This is a very special time for all three of you now and that needs to be the main focus. I understand how hard this has been for all of you and all I can say is just keep up with your own counseling and as often as you can celebrate and create wonderful memories with your husband and daughter. Sharing those special times does help that "black cloud" to be replaced with sunshine. Include others that care about the three of you. No one should be treated the way that they have treated you. You deserve respect and consideration and you should expect that from these people. As much as it hurts, and I know from my own experience that it does hurt, your focus needs to be on your own child and growing her up to be the wonderful person you know she can be. Do not let the empty pit of need from narcisistic parents intrude on your joy with this new baby girl. You have to put them aside. Until now, they have had many years to interfere and be insistant with demands. That time has ended. It does not matter what they say or do now, or if they complain about you to others. If you put your little one first, everything else will fall into place. When you are hurting, turn to her and play patty-cake or count her tiny toes. You can't be miserable and enjoying this new life at the same time. Stay strong and remember where you need to put your energy. You will just be wasting your breath to try and talk rationally to them. You can state your boundaries, but don't hold your breath that they will respect them. At least it gives you a foothold to remove yourself if you set boundaries and they do not abide. They don't want rationality- they want control. Let them fix thier own damned projector!! If it is not the projector, it will be something else. I agree that you need to be treated with respect. While you cannot demand it from them, you CAN limit your exposure to their lack of respect for you and your family. You sure don't need this drama in your lives, especially right now. Geez!
I have found that in my own experience, my mother could not respect our family unit's boundaries, so we are not in contact much any more, and that is OK. I drop a card in the mail for holidays, but other than that, the contact is minimal. It is better for us than getting enmeshed with her and her unfillable pit of need and the associated drama. There are other people who are serogate grandparents to our child, so we are not without the love of older people. It is not Beaver Cleaver, but we have made the best of what we were dealt.
My dad had a saying, "Wish in one hand; crap in the other, and see which hand fills up faster."
You can waste time wishing for this or that to be different, or you can work to make the best of what you have. Good luck and good health! |
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