Replies to 'Overcoming Grief'

Brandi- I can totally relate to what you're going through right now. I am 22 years old, and I lost my father due to AIDS in June, 2004. My parents were divorced at the age of 3, and my childhood was a complete mess. My mother was bi-polar, and also suffered from Scitizophrinia, and I lived w/ her untill the age of 7. She re-married when I was 5, and I was sexually molested by my step father. At that point, I started living w/ my father, and really looked up to him as my hero, and the person who rescued me from the bad things that were happening. Although, I felt so close to him in that aspect, growing up I was bounced around a lot, and being a sexually abused child, I definately get the attention and propper caring that I needed. My father worked graveyard shifts, and I stayed alot with my grandparents. As I teenager, the communication between my father and me pretty much went to hell. I felt as if I couldn't open up to him about anything, and he was very strict w/ me. I wasn't allowed to do very much of anything, and my father was very critical of my actions, as well, everyone eles'. When I was 13 I became very self councious about the way I looked, and about everything else in my life, and I became bulimic. I felt has if I couldn't control anything in my life, me being molested, my parents getting divorced, the way my dad acted, my mom suffering from a mental illness, but I could control my weight, and the way that I looked. And being thin was an obsession to me, and not only that, but it was something that I was in total control of, being able to binge, and purge, and having it be my little secret. Eventually my father found out, and he did get me the medical attention that I needed, and I went to counseling for years, although I never went to a treatment center. I When I was 16 my father and I loss our home, and he ended up moving in w/ his girlfriend, and told me, that he would have to find somewhere for me to. I still remember it like it was yesterday, and that was when our relationship began to fall apart. After my dad moved to another city, I began to live w/ my sister for my last year of highschool. I didn't see much of my dad, he would stop by occasionally, but it was very awkward, and I still felt as if I couldn't talk to him... When I was eighteen I began living w/ my mother, b/c there was a time in my life that I needed my family's support, and my father resented me for it. We didn't talk for 2 years, until 1 month before he died. A family member actually contacted me letting me know that my father was ill, and that I should contact him. When I first tried to contact him, he didn't want me to see him that way... I did get to see him one last time, but it was a cold conversation, and I didn't get any sort of closure from it. 4 Months later my mother died of a drug over dose... I only lived w/ my mother for a short period of time, and we were actually on bad terms of the time that she passed. For some reason I am more at peace w/ my mothers death than my fathers. I guess b/c I had a lot of hard feelings for my mother, b/c I was molested by her husband, and b/c she didn't do anything to stop it. Even though I loved her, it was definately a love/hate relationship. And at times I miss her, but b/c she was sick, and b/c she was not willing to seek help, I believe she is better off where ever she is, and I do feel some sort of closure w/ her. But I still think about my dad everyday and grieve his death just as I did when I found out. I feel sometimes that there is no one in the world that can relate to how I'm feeling, and it's a very dark, dark place. I hate feeling lost b/c he's not here, and then I can't explain why I feel that way b/c we were on bad terms and not speaking anyway. I have so many mixed emotions about it, and it's been exteremly hard to move on... Some of things that have helped me, that I can suggest to Brandi and anyone else, is try to stay positive, and talk to someone about it. Don't hold it in. Try to think of the good memories you had together, and know that their spirit is with you. And writing, getting your thoughts down on papper help get things off my chest. I was also wondering if anyone out there has any advice they can offer? Even though it's gotten easier for me, I have relaps' all the time, and I need to know how to overcome this?? I can't seek a counsler right now, b/c I don't have medical coverage, so any advice would be greatly appreciated. I don't mind if people e mail me either... Thanks.