Replies to 'Is This Normal?'
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May 18, 2007, 5:42 am PDT
 Quote From: cw70tx I have been dating my boyfriend for a few months now and have fallen deeply in love with him and can see being with him for a long time to come. I truly consider him a blessing and thank God for bringing him in to my life....but - the ONE thing i constantly struggle with is his relationship with his EX-girlfriend and how to except her in to OUR lives. Quite some time ago, after enduring a tumultuous relationship, they agreed to break up ALTHOUGH they STAYED in constant touch with one another. She has since remarried and even had children. They have worked alongside one another in his small business together for years now. Then - I come in to the picture. I love this man. He loves me. But i don't know how i'm supposed to feel about the occasional "friendly" phone call they have with one another. Why is it NOT enough to work with another that they have to socialize together as well, when he's assured me that they've both "moved on"? Why am i so personally convinced that they haven't "moved on" because of my own personal beliefs about exes and how they SHOULD behave (as exes and NOT as friends)? Don't get me wrong - I think exes CAN be friends but only SO close. Why does she feel it necessary to call and check on him during bad weather when she knows I'm with him? Why isn't she calling and checking on her husband and children instead? Is it that i'm THAT insecure with his relationship with her? Or is it because this type of relationship with an EX is NOT natural for ME personally that i find their relationship EXTREMELY hard to accept? Am i WRONG for thinking this is wrong, unnatural, disrespectful, intrusive, and unnecessary? AND should i be MORE accepting of their relationship? Am i wrong for getting upset when either of them bring up PAST scenarios of them together in conversation IN MY PRESENCE? WHAT type of thinking SHOULD i adopt in order to move on and strengthen my relationship with him? HOW do i move past this insecurity of their relationship? I'm not sure I'm able to give you any solid advice, but if you'll listen to my rantings, maybe I'll be able to break it down a bit, if nothing else. Please also disregard any typos, as English is my second language, and I don't use it that much.
To me personally, it's natural to be friends with exes. Granted, my exes(and I'm 26, so that's honestly not that many) used to be friends before entering any relationship. We parted on good terms, and stayed friends after we broke up. I really woulnd't want it any other way. We had almost all our friends in common, and would have had to meet a lot in any case.
Whenever I have a problem I need to discuss with someone, I need them to challenge the problems, and I'ev found the easiest way people can do that is not telling me what is right, but asking me questions that makes me think, and discover what is right. In that spirit, I have a couple of questions for you.
In my opinion, they may be overdoing it. Not because I think what they're doing is wrong, but because you're not comfortable with it. That's something he should be understanding about. But you should also be understanding about he wanting to have contact with his longterm friend. Honestly, when you ask if it's unnatural, disrespectful, intrusive and unnecessary, I'm afraid my answer to all of the above, is simply no, it's not.
Remember, an ex is just a bad thing if the ex is bad. What I think, is that they have a relationship you don't feel you can compete with. They have known eachother for years, and you don't want to come between the friendship. The good news is, you don't have to. Who does he come home to every night? For whom does he make breakfast in bed?(I hope he does! :O) Who does he buy flowers and take out to dinners? Who does he love?What I'm saying is, she is the friend, you are the girlfriend. She can't fill those shoes anymore, but you can. |
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