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Replies to '08/21 Anatomy of Abuse'
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May 18, 2007, 2:23 pm PDT
 Quote From: silentsufferer Bravo! I, too, have suffered from the no denying it was abuse form(physical) to the subtle forms (economic & verbal) at the hands of my husband. He controls all the finances including what we eat for dinner, and I have to beg for personal hygiene products for me and my daughter. The verbal abuse includes name-calling and be-littling all done in a condescending manner. And, although, they may not be as obvious as the physical abuse they're just as painful! Like you, I did'nt realize I was still a victim. It took my victim's counselor, whom I've been seeing for 3 years, to convince me of this. My husband was arrested for Criminal Domestic Violence in Oct. '03., and everyone pleaded with me to leave him but I gave him a second chance like Amy! He promised not to ever hit me again but instead has used every other form of abuse--verbal/emotional,sexual(he's into threesomes), economic,& isolation. Like you I have been married for almost 26 years & have gotten into that "routine" or "comfort zone" where its hard to leave. I used to work full-time as a teacher, even owned my own business for 18 years then I let him erode all of my self-worth. I have one child in college & one 11 year-old who has been impacted the most by the abuse. My husband says its in the best interest of our children not to get a divorce, although, he is "addicted" to me & could'nt live without me so he says! My counselor says it's the control over me that he is addicted to. I really admire your courage & strength and am trying to build mine up. Any advice would greatly be appreciated. After my marriage ended after 21 yrs of abuse, both physical and verbal. My lawyer was actually teaching a class on domestic abuse to a group of police officers. She asked me to come and talk to these officers, all men in this particular class. I had to think about it for a while but then decided by me talking about it, it may help them understand the other half, meaning there are some couples that the police get regular weekly or monthly calls from for abuse and then there is the other half, the silent half, the women who live in nice homes, have nice families, from middle to upper class backgrounds, and who keep their abuse secret from everyone for years!, on the outside everything seems perfect but from the inside of the home, walking on eggshells around the abuser is frequent. There were a few officers that had a hard time believing that I was abused that long and stayed, that no one knew about it, hiding bruises was easy with a little make-up, the shame of it, it appeared on the outside that we had everything going for us, but on the inside we had nothing going for us. PLus I thought by speaking to the police group it would be good therapy for me and it was! Hopefully I helped them understand better... The marriage started off, he was jealous, I thought I could put his jealous fears to rest, thought I could change him, then the jealousy got worse and turned into controlling who I spent time with, what I wore, how I looked....to the point where it wasn't worth going out with friends because I would go through an interrogation when I got home, once dragging me by the hair through a room with a gun to my head, accusing me of being with another man! Then the children were born, he was jealous and resentful that they were taking up my time and he wasn't the center of my intention anymore (it wasn't like I was ignoring him) he wanted all of me I told the police of stories of years of abuse, how I hid it. By the end of my story some were even crying but there was an old timer that still did't get it. But the point of my speaking with them was to let them know that there is a whole group of us who keep silent for years, we don't call everytime the abuse happens.In my case my father-in-law was a lieutenant inthe local police department and I was afraid they would take his sons side and not believe me so I waited until he was no longer on the police force, hisname no longer carried any weight. Nine years later I am happily remarried to a wonderful lman,not all men hit :) and there is life after abuse, it wasnt' easy getting here but I am the person I am today because of what I have lived through, I am a good person, I am a great Mom, and now a great Grammy! |
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May 28, 2007, 4:29 am PDT
Quote From: silentsufferer Bravo! I, too, have suffered from the no denying it was abuse form(physical) to the subtle forms (economic & verbal) at the hands of my husband. He controls all the finances including what we eat for dinner, and I have to beg for personal hygiene products for me and my daughter. The verbal abuse includes name-calling and be-littling all done in a condescending manner. And, although, they may not be as obvious as the physical abuse they're just as painful! Like you, I did'nt realize I was still a victim. It took my victim's counselor, whom I've been seeing for 3 years, to convince me of this. My husband was arrested for Criminal Domestic Violence in Oct. '03., and everyone pleaded with me to leave him but I gave him a second chance like Amy! He promised not to ever hit me again but instead has used every other form of abuse--verbal/emotional,sexual(he's into threesomes), economic,& isolation. Like you I have been married for almost 26 years & have gotten into that "routine" or "comfort zone" where its hard to leave. I used to work full-time as a teacher, even owned my own business for 18 years then I let him erode all of my self-worth. I have one child in college & one 11 year-old who has been impacted the most by the abuse. My husband says its in the best interest of our children not to get a divorce, although, he is "addicted" to me & could'nt live without me so he says! My counselor says it's the control over me that he is addicted to. I really admire your courage & strength and am trying to build mine up. Any advice would greatly be appreciated. I am proud of both of you. It takes courage and strength to break the cycle of abuse to stay or go. Learning to set boundaries was my big awareness. When living in the abuse I didn't have a clue what a boundary was. It was his way or else. Food was one of his big things to. When he was gone from the home I felt so free and alive. Then when he came home I just felt totally choked of air to breath. The best book I read for me was " Reviving Ophelia" by Mary Pipher, why because I learned to be treated this way as a child and lived out what I learned. Like Dr. Phil say's we can't change what we don't admit. IT was so freeing for me to admit I could stand up for myself and honor who I am even if he doesn't change. Taking care of me was what I needed since I was a little girl and now as a women with boundaries life is so much better for me and my children. Yes, they are grown now and live with their families they still see the change in me which helps them set boundaries and have courage to break the cycle of abuse in their homes. It takes time however its so worth it in the end. Keep up the great healing your both are doing, we can only change ourselves and if toxic people hurt us we can walk away and be who we are not what they want us to be for themselves. GrandmaMac4 I am the third generation of the cycle of abuse and it is broken now.... |
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