Replies to '04/26 Obsessive Love'

I understand this series all too well.  I live it.  My husband is THE most charming and handsome man that you can imagine.  Most people who meets him think he is Gods gift to women.  They might even go so far as to say I don't deserve him.  He has a good job.  (Thank God b/c I'm not allowed to work.)  He goes back and forth so often I never even know who I'm dealing with anymore.  One minute he wants to love me and be all over me - which to his thought process is one in the same and the next minute he's calling me names in front of my kids and threatening to leave and take them from me.  He never does b/c he is just trying to scare me.  I have aquired several health conditions in the last few years due to the constant struggle with what is right and what is wrong.  He has invaded every portion of my life with sneaking, checking, and manipulating.  I have grown to think it was my own fault and that I deserve it all.  Last year I got an atty and was going to file for divorce.  I moved a lot of things out of our home and started leaving to sleep at friends' houses right after my kids went to bed so I didn't have to fight with him.  After 4-5 mos of doing that I met someone out with a friend and stayed at his place a few times.  WE DID NOT HAVE SEX!  I just felt safe being with someone who told me it was ok to believe in myself and leave someone who had convinced me that I wasn't worthy of love anymore and also to have someone just hold me gently without the expecatation of sex just because we were married.  My husband constantly messed with me while I was sleeping.   Sometimes I would wake up in the middle of the night and he would be having sex with me.  I felt so violated!!  My husband had me followed one night and took my children out of bed on a school night at 3:30 am to this guys boat where I was sleeping and broke into it.  I was wearing a T-shirt and underpants.  He made me get off the boat without allowing me to put on my jeans and forced me to walk to the car in front of my children saying he wanted them to see what  F-ing Whore their mother was.  On the way home I said out loud that I didn't sleep with the guy and he back handed me in the mouth causing my lips to bleed.  When we got home my nine yr old son called 911.  They came and said they were going to press charges.  He's now on probation for a couple more months but he bought a shotgun and carries a knife with him at all times.  He kept the ammunition next to my bed (a reminder - I'm sure) until I gave it to my father to take home.  The gun is in our attic but isn't locked up and daily he says he's gonna divorce me or he says he will NOT get a divorce because it is against God's Will.  He is extremely irresponsible and I don't think he knows what to do.  I have had nothing to do with that person since that night on the boat nor do I want to either.  I just think it's best if my husband and I get a divorce but my kids talk about it everyday saying they don't want us to.  There isn't much left to our life together and I just go day to day hoping it changes itself.  I have lost my job b/c my employers thought it was too risky to keep me on with him watching my car daily and following me around and showing up in the office everyday.  I feel trapped and also like I'm the one who has caused my children all of this pain.  I should have let the divorce go through before I saw anyone.  Now the whole thing is on hold and we're all in counseling.  What a mess and how did I never even see it coming?