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Replies to 'Abuse'
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May 22, 2007, 7:18 pm PDT
 Quote From: jaustinshup I have seen so many people say to go through counseling. Does counseling really help that much? I have thought about going to my church. Or to another church in my town. But my biggest fear is that word would get out to people that I know. Or the church worker/person I talked to I would know on a personally. I live in a very, VERY small town. I am afraid that I am to embarressed to go that route.
I have never even thought about reading into sex addictions. I had just assumed that he enjoyed sex and I am just not interested in it. It makes feel uncomfortable and dirty. So I hardly ever am in the mood. So needless to say, he doesnt ever get sex. And I had assumed that was the reason why he focused so much on sex. He doesnt always talks about sex, probably more than I or he realize. But he will touch me in ways that I dont like and make me feel dirty. I have tried telling him how it makes me feel but only to no avail.
He knows a little about my past abuse. I have told him that it happened. But I have never gone into any kind of details at all. I am suprised that he wants sex alot. Dont get me wrong. I understand that some people like alot of sex. But I am suprised because about 30 years ago he had inlisted in the military, and during his basic training, he was supposedly raped by another man. He told me this long before he had found out about my past abuse. He seems to be past it though.
I know that he would go to counseling if he thought that it would help me. Depending on how much it cost, he probably could afford it. that is if he would be willing to spend the money on it. He just assume put finacial things on hold just so he could keep as much $$$ in his pocket. Dont get me wrong since we got back together a little over a year ago we have not had the utilities turned of or late in rent. B ut he will call the utilities and see if he can be late a few days past the cut of date. I have know idea if he would be willing to pay for me to go on my own.
I am a bit to emberrassed to let him know that it is still effecting me the way that it his. I have tried my hardest to keep my feelings hidden. I honestly do not know how he would take it if I told him how it is still effecting me the way it is. He has health insurance from his work. But he doesnt want to add me to it because then the premiums would go up a little, which would be less money in his pocket. I feel so helpless when it comes to this.
Peace to you, and as you search your soul for answers, you will realize your helplessness is just your feeling, and you have the spirit and the power to make changes. Just some musings as I light a candle for you to find your way -
Liberating the Mind
The mind is the warrior's greatest adversary. We can cut through this by noticing our thoughts rather than believing or identifying with them. Things happen, but nothing ultimately means anything; therefore we make up our own meanings. We relate our subjective interpretation of what occurs - all the associated feelings and meanings. We need to understand and accept these feelings, but we need to recognize that psychological damage is rarely a function of the event itself, but rather results from the minds reaction to that event.... happenings when the mind resists what is.
You are in my heart as you search yours.
Indigomountain |
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May 23, 2007, 11:32 am PDT
Quote From: jaustinshup I have seen so many people say to go through counseling. Does counseling really help that much? I have thought about going to my church. Or to another church in my town. But my biggest fear is that word would get out to people that I know. Or the church worker/person I talked to I would know on a personally. I live in a very, VERY small town. I am afraid that I am to embarressed to go that route.
I have never even thought about reading into sex addictions. I had just assumed that he enjoyed sex and I am just not interested in it. It makes feel uncomfortable and dirty. So I hardly ever am in the mood. So needless to say, he doesnt ever get sex. And I had assumed that was the reason why he focused so much on sex. He doesnt always talks about sex, probably more than I or he realize. But he will touch me in ways that I dont like and make me feel dirty. I have tried telling him how it makes me feel but only to no avail.
He knows a little about my past abuse. I have told him that it happened. But I have never gone into any kind of details at all. I am suprised that he wants sex alot. Dont get me wrong. I understand that some people like alot of sex. But I am suprised because about 30 years ago he had inlisted in the military, and during his basic training, he was supposedly raped by another man. He told me this long before he had found out about my past abuse. He seems to be past it though.
I know that he would go to counseling if he thought that it would help me. Depending on how much it cost, he probably could afford it. that is if he would be willing to spend the money on it. He just assume put finacial things on hold just so he could keep as much $$$ in his pocket. Dont get me wrong since we got back together a little over a year ago we have not had the utilities turned of or late in rent. B ut he will call the utilities and see if he can be late a few days past the cut of date. I have know idea if he would be willing to pay for me to go on my own.
I am a bit to emberrassed to let him know that it is still effecting me the way that it his. I have tried my hardest to keep my feelings hidden. I honestly do not know how he would take it if I told him how it is still effecting me the way it is. He has health insurance from his work. But he doesnt want to add me to it because then the premiums would go up a little, which would be less money in his pocket. I feel so helpless when it comes to this. I do believe that counseling can help a lot. The person I have now is pretty good. I have been to counseling before, though, and barely touched on important topics. One counselor was too superficial and wouldn't analyze anything. Another, a few years later, just sat there and wouldn't say anything and then she told me I just needed to make a decision; I needed input. The one I have now will connect the dots for me when I can't see the connections. She will explain why I might do something because it made sense to do it when I was a kid (or it was for survival). She asks me the hard questions that I sometimes try to avoid asking myself.
I guess what I'm saying is that it CAN be extremely helpful. You just need to find someone who will listen carefully and give you information. If the person doesn't feel right, try another.
I also know that counselors can't help everyone. That's because some people don't want help. There are abusers, as we know, who don't want anyone telling them how to live. There are chronic complainers who just want to blame someone/anyone for their misery and will never take any responsibility for themselves. There are people who have addictions who will not let go of those no matter what anyone says. Being in a room with a counselor might eventually light a fire under some of these people, but I would guess it doesn't happen much. I'm not a therapist, so I can't say. It's just my observation.
Is there anyone at your church who works with abuse? Do you have someone in mind? You know, if there is someone who has made it known that he/she is available to talk about abuse, etc, then it's probably safe to assume that they really want to help. They should keep all information confidential, but I know there are no guarantees. You have nothing to be ashamed of. If it makes you more comfortable, see if you can go to a counselor in another town. Are you close to a city, someplace where you wouldn't run into people you know?
I still think it would be good for you to read about sexual addictions. Does he use porn? What does he do that makes you "feel dirty?" I would say that your feelings could be partly due to your past abuse, but that would NOT excuse the fact that he is ignoring your feelings. He should be more sensitive and encourage you to get help. He should get help for his own behavior. If you can both get help, maybe things will get better between you.
I have heard that sex addicts will sometimes have sex with men and women--anyone--just to get more sex. I don't want to minimize that he was "supposedly raped by another man" but I wonder if he has sex with other people on a regular basis. Is there any reason to think so? Sometimes, sex addicts will have quickies--not an involved affair that you might think of first. Anyway, it's just something to consider.
Why does he need so much "money in his pocket?" It sounds like he's preoccupied with money.
I understand that you are embarrassed, but if he loves you he will be sensitive and helpful. If he reacts in another way, he doesn't have your best interests at heart. You shouldn't have to keep your feelings hidden, ever. Like me, you probably learned that as a kid and it helped back then. However, you need to feel free to express yourself. It's SO important. Feel your feelings, share them and trust your gut.
How about trying to bring it up? If you do, will you let us know how it goes? If you just can't do it, then how about asking him to put you on the insurance so you can get the counseling and any medical/dental help you need. Do you have any medical insurance at all?
Take care. |
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May 31, 2007, 11:30 am PDT
Quote From: jaustinshup I have seen so many people say to go through counseling. Does counseling really help that much? I have thought about going to my church. Or to another church in my town. But my biggest fear is that word would get out to people that I know. Or the church worker/person I talked to I would know on a personally. I live in a very, VERY small town. I am afraid that I am to embarressed to go that route.
I have never even thought about reading into sex addictions. I had just assumed that he enjoyed sex and I am just not interested in it. It makes feel uncomfortable and dirty. So I hardly ever am in the mood. So needless to say, he doesnt ever get sex. And I had assumed that was the reason why he focused so much on sex. He doesnt always talks about sex, probably more than I or he realize. But he will touch me in ways that I dont like and make me feel dirty. I have tried telling him how it makes me feel but only to no avail.
He knows a little about my past abuse. I have told him that it happened. But I have never gone into any kind of details at all. I am suprised that he wants sex alot. Dont get me wrong. I understand that some people like alot of sex. But I am suprised because about 30 years ago he had inlisted in the military, and during his basic training, he was supposedly raped by another man. He told me this long before he had found out about my past abuse. He seems to be past it though.
I know that he would go to counseling if he thought that it would help me. Depending on how much it cost, he probably could afford it. that is if he would be willing to spend the money on it. He just assume put finacial things on hold just so he could keep as much $$$ in his pocket. Dont get me wrong since we got back together a little over a year ago we have not had the utilities turned of or late in rent. B ut he will call the utilities and see if he can be late a few days past the cut of date. I have know idea if he would be willing to pay for me to go on my own.
I am a bit to emberrassed to let him know that it is still effecting me the way that it his. I have tried my hardest to keep my feelings hidden. I honestly do not know how he would take it if I told him how it is still effecting me the way it is. He has health insurance from his work. But he doesnt want to add me to it because then the premiums would go up a little, which would be less money in his pocket. I feel so helpless when it comes to this. Another post that gives me pause and leads to more of my confusion.
Have you remarried?
Why hasn't he been doing the right thing by you with the insurance?
Are the children insured for their medical and dental needs?
Is he still in the military?
A civilian? A civilian job.
I believe I'm hearing financial abuse examples.
Counseling can and will help YOU , and a competent counselor educated and trained in sexual abuse could help you with your sexual abuse....that you've incurred .
I'm hearing that he is NOT respecting your wishes and he continues to do what he wants rather than respect and understand what you've said about what you want. That's a form of sexual abuse.
If he doesn't want to add you to the insurance, then go for counseling for YOU and have the bill sent to him. Won't he have to pay it sooner or later?
The rest of us pay our bills whether they be utility, insurance, or medical bills..or co-pay..We pay our bills !
I'm sorry you've had and experience such pain.
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