Replies to 'Giving and Receiving Support'

Quote From: sunshine80

I have been on these boards since 2003 and I have had my ups and downs but I am sick of the reality that I accept.  I made some really bad decisions as a teenager that continued into my early 20's.  I am hardly the only person who has done that!  I married  a man who literally tortured me emotionally and physically.  I have bipolar disorder and have had it since infancy, but wasn't treated until I was 22, and had been tortured for 6 long years and we had three babies, and we placed our fourth for adoption.  When I went into the hospital for treatment my husband started cheating on me with my best friend.  She was going to lose her house so I invited her to live with us in our house.  It was big enough.  They were cheating and trying to get me to commit suicide and I know it and so does everyone else.  Ya know what, it didn't work.  I am so much stronger than that.  I am telling this story again because I always felt that i "was left" (because I was cheated on) and it acknowledged that i was a victim and these horrible things did happen.  Truth be told, I was the one who was agoraphobic, severely mentally ill, could hardly say my name if asked.  Yet I was the one who stood up and PHYSICALLY left the house and marriage.  I did try to make it work, but I always thought that somehow, me leaving meant that it was me who ruined everything.  I felt ashamed of walking away from my marriage but I have no business feeling ashamed for having the courage to grab my kids and leave that hell-hole.  I should be proud of that.   I have progressed in my treatment, and have stayed on my meds which is also something that i should be proud of.  I have made some friends.  This is a big step as I only had 2 people in my life and that was my best friend and my husband and they both violated any trust and respect that I had for them.  I am so sick of feeling like a victim of my circumstances!!!!   My whole life I have been terrified of people and trusting people.  I have held a steady job for 4 years now and I am a waitress.  I am learning that there are kind-hearted people out there.  I am not weird or unloveable, I am actually well-liked.  I want to reconnect to with some of my former (good) friends who stood by me and tried to help me as long as they could stand it.   I want to apologize to them for not respecting their loving advice and thank them for the support that they gave me.   I want to see them and smile with them and laugh with them again.  I have been tied down by shame and still in the abusive prison for far too long.  I am ready to take action and live up to my full potential