Replies to 'Is This Normal?'

It's normal to want to turn away from your husband.  Life with a child is something to get used to.  My son is now four years old, but when he was a baby, I wanted nothing to do with my husband because I was so focused on my son.  And I didn't feel attractive because I too am normally 130 pounds and I hadn't lost the baby weight yet.  This eventually did pass and I eventually lost the weight.  It's hard to lose weight and keep up with a baby and a house.  Soon your baby will be eating snack foods if he/she doesn't already.  Just make sure you don't snack with him/her.  Once I stopped doing that and got "healthy" snacks for myself, it was a lot easier to lose the weight.  And too, once your baby gets a little older, it's a lot easier to take better care of yourself because your baby is getting out of the "high maintenance" phase.  I think my son was about 18-24 months before I really started losing the weight and took better care of myself.  And my son was there by my side the entire time having fun.  So, relax, it will get better. 

I haven't had a baby as of yet, so I can only empathize with you as to how difficult a physical and emotional effort everything is for you right now. A lot of work & so getting back into any normal routine (evening making dinner/shopping) never mind getting back into a sexual routine must be, everything is now very different, so I suppose let go of the past routines and let every day bring adaptations is the best plan! And Hey - ALL women’s bodies change after they have children lets face it - men should not expect their wives to look exactly the same after they have "run 10 marathons in a row" to produce a child. It has the most stressful impact on our bodies in a very short timeframe, moving bone (pelvic mostly), vascular structures & muscle. That weight loss will happen - give it time & you sound like you are giving it 100%!!!

My problem is somewhere along the same lines. We got married after about 3 years knowing each other and now looking back (ahhhhh hindsight) I can see that the sexual problems didn't just 'pop up' after the wedding. There were there beforehand but I kept blaming the fact that we were planning a wedding, starting a new job and planning to move country on the lack of sexual interest.

I will hold up my hands and say that it is almost all me. My husband has put on a bit of weight the past 3 years & I admit that I have a problem with this in that I find it unattractive sexually. He used to be so fit & so I suppose I was more passionate towards him & now my lack of passion has left us with only his interest in having sex and he is not the most passionate of men (he is very gentle & kind in bed sometimes to the point that I cannot feel any sensation at all). 

I keep as fit as I can by exercising & try to eat well and encourage him to do the same (well I cook most meals as he hates cooking) and try to encourage him when shopping to buy healthy foods (now we live in his country we shop together as my language skills are not 100% yet - before I normally daily shopped) but he will snack and drink beers so hence the weight gain. I’m not perfect but I’m in the fitness business so have to maintain my physique & my husband always comments on how other wives have ‘let themselves go’ and I’m always attractive for him. Why can’t I expect the same of him!??!

Other than that we are very tactile with each other (kissing & cuddling) & people often comment on this fact, but as soon as we are in bed alone I'm uninterested in sex & therefore I suppose him also. Sometimes we can go 6 months without sex however I will feel guilty and so give him oral sex on a regular basis. I have never orgasmed with him through penetration and only a handful of times through oral sex & this frustrates me. I have before with other boyfriends, both ways (I haven’t said this to him as I don't want him to feel as if he is competing - I'm not with them anymore so they couldn’t have been all that eh!?!?) but it does annoy me when he claims that I am a frigid woman. I've tried to tell him what I like, more pressure in kissing and touching, more hand exploration and not to treat me as if I am covered with a tin layer of skin that could be broken by any sudden movement or passionate touch!!

I try to tell him what I like and he does it for a while and then goes back to the old way, then orgasms and I would have to go through it all again next time. I have even tried to tell him outside the bedroom as sure as hell doesn't work while we are 'in the process'. It seems as though - this is his natural way and the only reason it was ever passionate in the beginning was because I found his muscles & trim body very attractive so all the passion came from me & my attraction to him & he just was carried along with it. I'm so frustrated I prefer to 'help myself out' and then just forget about it. I love my husband and want to be with him in the same way sexually as some previous boyfriends but he cannot seem to even act differently in the bedroom. Perhaps we are too different in this aspect and should not be together; or just have to make do with the most we can expect from this relationship, great out of bed – not so hot in bed. Also lately I find myself looking at other men wondering what they would be like as they look strong or passionate. Agh!!