Replies to 'Abuse'

Hi Buick.  You might see this post first, but I just sent you another post.  It might make more sense if you read the other one first.  It was sent a few minutes ago, so should be easy to find.  Now I will write about your post above.

I don't mean to be cruel, but if your dad is threatening to "throw you out of the house" and you are an adult, why don't you consider leaving?  Maybe he's old and tired and doesn't want to take care of kids any more.  I'm not trying to excuse his actions at all, just wondering if he is just ready to have you leave.  Some parents expect their kids to leave when they turn 18.  (I'm definitely not one of them, so I don't get it.)  I am assuming your disability makes it difficult or impossible to live on  your own.  Is that the case?  I hope you don't take this the wrong way.  I am not implying that any of the abuse is your fault.

I realize that you don't want to leave your siblings in this mess.  I didn't want to, either, but I did.  I had to, to save myself.  You wouldn't believe how quickly they all got themselves out of that house after I left.  I did what I could to find options for them and they decided what to do and did it.  We had no money and little-to-no help, but we still got away. 

Don't your siblings already have to deal with your dad?  How does your staying prevent that?  Would your leaving make it worse somehow?  Are you sacrificing yourself, letting your dad abuse you so he will leave the others alone?  Is that how it works?  I know people do that sometimes; that's why I'm asking.  Is it a role you've chosen--protector of the rest of the family?

I do agree that telling your dad off would be useless and could be dangerous.  There is no point.  If he is not interested in your thoughts or feelings, don't waste your time and energy on him.

Yes, any time you show that you have ideas of your own, your dad will be threatened.  He wants to do things his way.  If you try to mess up that system, he will defend it.  It's the way he wants to live.

If you think your dad will hurt you if you choose to go to counseling while you're living with him, you can do it without his knowledge or do it after you leave.  If you use his insurance, he will know about it.  Do you have insurance of your own that would cover it?  Is there a way to get out of the house to go to appointments?  Is your dad gone during the day at all?

You would "make headway" with yourself in counseling and you would learn that you may have to let go of the dream of a change in your father.  Part of counseling is seeing things more realisitically and working toward a more healthy, happy life.  Many of us go in hoping to change someone else.  Eventually we learn that we can't control the other person. 

Yes, you and the counselor will be "going over the same concepts week after week" IF you are set on changing your dad or making him conform to your ways.  I've done this myself, so I know it's like hitting your head against a wall.  It's SO frustrating. 

I really know what it's like.  I lived this way for a long time.  It was my parent, I had siblings, and the other parent wouldn't leave.  I went to counseling while living under their roof and then some more after I left--several times.  I know how ugly it can get when the abusing parent sees that you're "getting ideas" about how things SHOULD be.  It's very threatening to them.  As a kid, the phrase, "getting ideas" was a bad thing.  Imagine! 

I hope that you will take time to read what I've written and consider it, even if for a short time.  Let me know what you think.