Replies to '05/30 Ask the Authors'

 Wow, you have so much going on.  I personally jsut watched the MS story and thought that that woman has what my friend Ann would call a "white girl problem."  I have been suffering from a disabling condition since I was 15, and had a lot of diagnoses before my current one. I am NOT married, never have been, essentially because I have been too sick to get married.  My only child was stillborn.  My life has been struggle, poverty, death, illness, abuse, molestation,  with a gruesome episode of dismemberment thrown in for fun.  So to have a husband that is not as supportive as you would like?  White girl problem.  I have no one to really lean on.  I get by by being grateful that my 10 year old car runs well, I don't have to live with my mother, and my family can help me with financial stuff like keeping the utilites turned on.  Really, there are people who don't even have those things.  Truth be told, considering all the stuff I've had to endure, I've held up extremely well.  But that woman who wrote "Lean on Me" made me sick.  She obviously  enjoys a lifestyle that is way beyond my  ghetto neighborhood comprehension.  It's easier to do the things she's done when you don't have to worry like I do.  If I can't get it doen around the house, it doesn't get done.  I can't pay anyone to do things for me, and I live alone.  And both those women have beautiful children...I never once asked "why is this happening to me" until my sweet baby girl died inside my body when I was 36.

And the thing about MS is you never know what course the illness will take.  The "Lean on Me" woman was obviously very lucky.  I feel like that old song they used to sing on Hee Haw "If it weren't for bad lcuk I'd have no luck at all."  And after 25 years of it I'm just tired.  I use gratitude as a tool.  I try not to dwell on my misfortune.  But I'm severely depressed, and I really jsut want it to be over.  I see no reason to expect anything other than the pain I have known.  I am jobless, mateless, and not raising any children, all because of my misfortune.  All I ever wanted was to be normal.   You can't know what this is unless you have been here or you work in the field.  So don't tell me to "enjoy the little things."  Depression is a physical illness of the brain.  And I'm tired of it wagging me around.  I do my part to keep it from being worse than it is.  But I'm jsut tired.  So tired.

So hey, I can relate to you.  People look at me and think "what is her problem."  That's the thing.  They can't even imagine living my life, but they talk to me as if they  have soem clue about it.  Just listen and don't judge, liek you said.