Replies to 'Giving and Receiving Support'

Hi Everybody,

This is my first time posting on  Dr. Phil and to be honest Im a little bit timid as to putting my feelings out for many to see. Although I am timid, I am also depressed, and when I decided to take a step to help myself the first thing I thought of was Dr. Phil.

Before I begin I'd like to share a little bit about myself, I dont know if it's normal here to see young people like me, but either way I am 16 years old male. I rent a room in my boss's apartment, and I work full time at a large computer programming firm. You may not believe that a 16 year old is working in the field of computer programming but I have a slightly higher aptitude for knowledge then other kids my age and I am a little more mature (not trying to brag... trust me on that).

Now that you know a little background let me begin.

Over the course of many years, I have felt the burden of depression, I used to have panic attacks, and on one rare drug induced occasion I tried to end my life. Up until a few weeks ago I had been fairly good at tucking my depression deep down inside me, hiding it from people I know, and trying to hide it from myself, but as of late I have found myself very depressed about many aspects of my life. You see, where I live I dont pay a lot of rent, I dont have a lot of expenses and thus I have a good amount of money to buy the things Ive wanted. I have a few expensive material items and I thought that would make me happy. The one thing I dont have though is much of a social life, I have a roommate that is a little older then me, and his girlfriend and we hang out enough, but that is the extent of my social life. I used to have someone in my life who I as a 16 year old boy can surely say I actually loved. I wanted to spend the rest of my life making hers even just the slightest bit better, but around a year ago we were torn apart and I was no longer able to see her, and she moved on by the time I could be with her again. We still keep in touch as "friends" but I love her so much it hurts a lot to see her without me by her side and even more so to see her with someone else by her side. Its torture... it really is, and I love her so much I couldnt ever sever our connection, as people I know have told me to do. I have tried to move on but she was the only love I ever knew and therefore I have no experience with girls, and to cripple the crouch I have always felt very nervous doing anything that has to do with meeting new people. I usually spend my free time alone or with my roommate and his girlfriend, but it is even more depressing to see him and her so happy, its like a constant reminder that I have nobody. And I really do have nobody, my mother and sisters live very far away, my father has an entire new family, and I havent spoken to him in about a year, and I live in a big area where I get very little social interaction and even if I could. I am the most brain-dead person in the world when it comes to interaction with a woman and almost as bad when it comes to making new guy friends. (as lame as that sounds).

Over the last few weeks I have found myself staying up at night, laying in bed, wanting someone... anyone... to love me. Wanting desperately to have someone to hold me, and be with me... Wanting desperately to take a break from an adults life and go back to being 16, without all the responsibility I have, all the stress I have... Wanting desperately someone to hold me and tell me everything will turn out fine... Wanting desperately a reminder that I am worth something to anybody... I feel sad and lonely everyday. I would give all my material possessions away in a second just to feel love of any kind in my life again. But I dont know what to do, and my life just feels like its ticking away in the same routine.... 9-5 work, 5-9 loneliness... I just feel so lost, and afraid if this is it, if this is my life, and if I will ever be happy.

I know nobody can help me and I accept that, but it does feel good to just speak what I feel. And I appreciate you all for reading and listening. Well, Im sorry I dragged on and again, thank you, just for reading.