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Replies to 'Ready for Marriage?'
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May 31, 2007, 5:11 pm PDT
 Quote From: misha503 I met my fiance about 6 mos ago who recently asked me to marry him. Now, against my better judgment, I know I should wait at least a year before getting married. As a little background, we dated about 5 years ago (when I was on a "break" with my former boyfriend of 10 years) but I decided to get back together with my boyfriend to make things work. This broke his heart. We kept in touch throughout the years as friends and last year he found out I had finally broken up with my ex about 2 years ago. So, we started dating again. Throughout the past six months, we've had some wonderful "together" times with him and his two daughters. I love his daughters tremendously and we've all gotten along very well. Unfortunately, he has been smothering me lately. I can't seem to have my independence along with our relationship. I havent seen my friends as much as I would like to and I finally set my foot down about that recently. I try to always be there when he has the girls because I know that's important to him and well I love spending time with them as well. He tells me to try to save the times that I want to spend wtih my friends when it's just he and I. So, I do. Then he starts accusing me of being too independent from him and I need to "be careful" about my choices, etc. I maybe have spent a total of 4-5 times away from him for an evening in the past six months. Other than that, I have spent all my time with him and his girls (which I enjoyed) but how do I get across to him that I also need my alone time with friends, hobbies, etc. outside of our relationship. I have a hobbie group I meet with twice a month and I don't even think that's okay with him. He has been cheated on in the past so he's extra paranoid about where I am, who I've been with. I know this is not healthy. I postponed the marriage and told him we need more time to feel comfortable, still get to know one another and be okay with each other's differences. I can tell you I have bent more than I have ever bent in my life for someone. I have tried new things with him (and to my surprise have enjoyed them), tried other things I didn't end up liking, etc. I've been pretty open to my new life with him but I'm not so sure he's being open to mine. He has a heart of gold and is always thinking of others before him but I think his smothering and paranoid will kill what we've got if it hasn't already. Help...need some input! M Listen, if you going to your hobby group isn’t even okay with him- HE has issues. It has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with his own insecurities. He loves you; he is scared that he will lose you, so he smothers you. He is going to create what he fears the most- losing you- because of his paranoia and possessiveness. You are only six months into this relationship, and this is already getting to you; it isn’t going to somehow magically get better. You have a choice to make. You should be able to have everything in your life that brings you happiness; you should not have to choose between your friends, hobbies, and your boyfriend- that is so high school! Your first choice is to continue to tolerate him telling you to be careful about your choices- a veiled threat if you ask me- and eventually you will be spending all of your time with just him. The love and tenderness that you share will become resentment and obsession- it would be such a shame. Your other choice is to come right out and tell him that you understand he is a bit insecure because of past issues, but that you should not have to ‘pay’ for someone else’s misdeed. Let him know that you enjoy spending time with him, his children, etc., but that you also enjoy spending time with friends and your hobby group. He should also get an outside activity/hobby that will keep him busy and bring him a sense of accomplishment/pride. You should continue to listen to your instincts- postponing the marriage was the right thing to do. Getting married so soon would be a big mistake, you don’t deserve to do that to yourself. You can be happy and have a healthy relationship but it takes work- and you can’t do it alone, he has to be willing also. |
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