Replies to 'Toxic Family Relationships'

Did you ever try just talking to her the way that you would want a friend or parent to talk to you??Personally, I don't think any 19 year old should be paying rent to live in her own parents house. She may become resentful at this and I think she is already showing signs of these emotions.  She probably sees that none of her friends are paying rent and don't have curfews. The more boundaries you set, the more she'll want to break.  My parents were very similiar to this and this is why I am responding to your post.  The more they set rules, the more I became bitter and leaned on my friends when I should have been trusting of my parents over anybody.  Try letting her know that you are there for her no matter what and remember that she is a young adult.  I don't think it is anything against you or your husband but she is trying to figure out who she is and this is when she needs you guys the most!!  Kicking her out will be traumatic if not now, then later on, and not just for her but for you.

She insists on making her own rules, just like she would if she were living in her own apartment, so treat her like an adult tenant. See, your assumption that she is dependent on you is wrong. If you insist on treating her like she's still a child, she will continue to be one, including the acting out she's doing now. If she's not in school at 19 years old, she should be working full time and paying you rent equivalent to an apartment. Society considers her an adult, and will treat her as an adult if she's caught breaking any of society's rules, like driving drunk or stealing, what have you. It's time you did too. You do her no favors by continuing to see her as a dependent child. If you were to die in an auto accident and she were left alone, wouldn't it be nice to know she CAN take care of herself?
What we are doing with our son (who is also and adult not in school), is charging him rent that goes up every 6 months. There is no cap on how high it will go, so sooner or later moving out will become very desirable. The rent he pays us goes into a savings account that he can use when he moves out, for deposits or even a down-payment on a condo, furniture, whatever. We don't need the money, but he needs the responsibility. We set the initial rent low enough that it wasn't a problem for him, but it is getting steadily higher. He is currently looking around at apartments and making plans. We love him, and can afford to keep him around but he needs to grow up and be his own boss.

I read your post, and I can totally understand why you and your husband are upset w/ your daughter, but please do not make a snap deciscion, like kicking her out, when you're so upset. You will regret it later! I'm 22, so I'm not much older than your daughter, but I can understand that you are worried about her when she goes out, and doesn't make her curfew. Any loving, concerned parent would be, but did you ever sit back and analiyze the whole situation? She is 19, so she might feel like she's old enough to be able to go out, w/ out a curfew, and come and go has she pleases. I never had a curfew at the age of 19, and I don't think that I know anyone that did. She might feel like you guys are trying to keep her in a bubble, and she's probably just wanting to have the type of life, that possibly some of her friends have. Before my mother passed away, I lived w/ her for awhile, and I paid a small amount of rent. It never bothered me b/c it taught me responsibility, so I think it's a good thing that you're teaching her that, but I do think that maybe you guys should try to compromise w/ her. I would calmly talk to her about the situation, when you're not upset, that way she doesn't feel as if she's being attacked. Let her know that if she wants to continue to live in your house, then she will have to follow the rules, but then suggest compromising her curfew time, that way she feels like she does have a say in what's going on. It's hard being 19 b/c you're stilll a teenager, making that transission into being an adult, and she needs you and your husband right now! The last thing you want to do, is make her move out, b/c I know she will resent you later on for this. I hope everything works out.