Replies to 'True Love'

Quote From: nocitygirl

I don't know if there is a such thing as "True Love".  I have been married to a wonderful man for 18 yrs and he worships the ground I walk on.  I'm sad to say, I have never really felt that way about him.  I think I married him because he was security for me.  Not so much financially, but emotionally.  I was from a broken home and also dated several "bad guys" and decided that it was better to be with someone who loved me rather than someone I loved, if he wasn't going to love me back.  So, here I am now, 18 years later, with still no fireworks or passion.  I realize that real love isn't always about fireworks and passion, but it would be nice to have that.  I've stayed all these years for the love he gave me and for the security of my children.  I was always faithful, until recently.  I didn't intentionally set out to have an affair, and even tried to resist his advances but he was very persistent and a little too aggressive.  I should not have put myself in that position, but I did.  I was lonely and he made me feel good.  Now, however, I do not feel good.  I feel very badly for my actions, even though it was passionate.  He was not a person that I would want to be with.  I mean, possibly if he were different, but he is a player and I don't want that.  Now, I'm living with the guilt, as well as the sadness.  It's like something is missing.  My husband doesn't deserve this and he doesn't deserve to be hurt.  I wanted to separate for a while just because I wanted to find myself, but he did not want to do that and it hurt him desperately when I mentioned it, so we didn't.  Are there others who are going through this?  I don't want to go to counseling because I know all the things to do to make my marriage "good".  We have been to marriage classes.  It's all just an act on my part.  I feel like I've been acting the part all these years.  I really don't think I would find a better husband and I don't want to start over financially.   I'm trying desperately to get through this.  If anyone has any suggestions or can relate, I could use the feedback.  It's really hard for me to talk to my friends or family because they don't understand.  Plus, I cannot bring up the affair with anyone.