Replies to 'Ready for Marriage?'

I wasnt surewhether to put this in the Relationships Over 40 or here; but I guess theprimary subject is about commitment/marriage involving alcohol addiction. Ihave been in a distance relationship for over 3 years [introduced by a mutualfriend whom I was visiting and have known since kindergarten.  Two years into the relationship he proposed& I accepted.  He is everything my ex-husbandwasnt creative, loving, open & warm, and insightful; I am in my late40s, he in his mid 50s; we both have children who love us [me one, he 4, andwe have stable jobs, the main reason I would ever marry is for love, being ableto share my life with him!  I essentiallylive on an island & he has set up a lifestyle in the north where he spendswinters dog mushing and winter activities out at his cabin.  I plan on moving next year.  

After a lot of observation& introspection, it has become clear to me he is an alcoholic, or isentering the mid to late stages of.  Withmuch difficulty I expressed a change of heart about marriage to him until I could see a record of sobriety; but I still maintain my commitment to the relationship. He says he will quit. If it were anybody else I would have given upon this relationship, his many good qualities make me want to give him and ourrelationship, a chance.  Not knowing muchabout alcoholism, other than mainstream information, I found and read a book titledUnder The Influence by Milam and Ketcham, which addresses the myths andrealities of alcoholism.  There were several facts I read that blew me away - at least I never heard this! Besides the fact that 10% of the population processes alcohol on a cellular level different than others, over the history of their life, if these people continue to abuse alcohol more & more their cells actually change.  Alcoholism is a disease that changes the cells - the thing is they get to a certain point where they cant stop drinking no matter how hard they try - this has nothing to do with their psychology or mental stamina; it has to do with physiology and cell changes.  Well, he told me he would/could stopdrinking and that he has stopped before. I dont think he realizes the power the alcohol has over him at this point in his life; and it would be very difficult to tell him everything Ive learned reading about this disease i.e., that there is a huge probability he would need treatment to stop. He minimizes the seriousness of it.
 

Am I wrong to think I will take his word he is stopping drinking but yet the times I have asked him whether he was drinking, he admits he cant lie to me tonight he said he just had a little though, not that much.  I cannot marry him until he is no longer actively drinking, but I cannot see what he is doing everyday due to the distance of our relationship; even if I could it is up to him - we see each other maybe once a month or every other month.  Next year my 17-year old [God willinggraduates and I am quitting my job and moving north to go to school/changecareers - but also to be closer to him. He has such a good heart; sometimes I feel like I must be crazy; surely people are supposed to be smart enough not to fall in love with an alcoholic and why wasnt I smart enough?  Any suggestions,comments, or experiences you may have had would be truly appreciated from the bottom of my heart because I feel alone in this; I am afraid what my family would say about me "knowingly" being with someone with a disease as all-encompassing as this . . . . my mind goes back and forth back & forth to where I wonder if I even know what the heck i'm doing in life. . . 

I wasnt surewhether to put this in the Relationships Over 40 or here; but I guess theprimary subject is about commitment/marriage involving alcohol addiction. Ihave been in a distance relationship for over 3 years [introduced by a mutualfriend whom I was visiting and have known since kindergarten.  Two years into the relationship he proposed& I accepted.  He is everything my ex-husbandwasnt creative, loving, open & warm, and insightful; I am in my late40s, he in his mid 50s; we both have children who love us [me one, he 4, andwe have stable jobs, the main reason I would ever marry is for love, being ableto share my life with him!  I essentiallylive on an island & he has set up a lifestyle in the north where he spendswinters dog mushing and winter activities out at his cabin.  I plan on moving next year.  

After a lot of observation& introspection, it has become clear to me he is an alcoholic, or isentering the mid to late stages of.  Withmuch difficulty I expressed a change of heart about marriage to him until I could see a record of sobriety; but I still maintain my commitment to the relationship. He says he will quit. If it were anybody else I would have given upon this relationship, his many good qualities make me want to give him and ourrelationship, a chance.  Not knowing muchabout alcoholism, other than mainstream information, I found and read a book titledUnder The Influence by Milam and Ketcham, which addresses the myths andrealities of alcoholism.  There were several facts I read that blew me away - at least I never heard this! Besides the fact that 10% of the population processes alcohol on a cellular level different than others, over the history of their life, if these people continue to abuse alcohol more & more their cells actually change.  Alcoholism is a disease that changes the cells - the thing is they get to a certain point where they cant stop drinking no matter how hard they try - this has nothing to do with their psychology or mental stamina; it has to do with physiology and cell changes.  Well, he told me he would/could stopdrinking and that he has stopped before. I dont think he realizes the power the alcohol has over him at this point in his life; and it would be very difficult to tell him everything Ive learned reading about this disease i.e., that there is a huge probability he would need treatment to stop. He minimizes the seriousness of it.
 

Am I wrong to think I will take his word he is stopping drinking but yet the times I have asked him whether he was drinking, he admits he cant lie to me tonight he said he just had a little though, not that much.  I cannot marry him until he is no longer actively drinking, but I cannot see what he is doing everyday due to the distance of our relationship; even if I could it is up to him - we see each other maybe once a month or every other month.  Next year my 17-year old [God willinggraduates and I am quitting my job and moving north to go to school/changecareers - but also to be closer to him. He has such a good heart; sometimes I feel like I must be crazy; surely people are supposed to be smart enough not to fall in love with an alcoholic and why wasnt I smart enough?  Any suggestions,comments, or experiences you may have had would be truly appreciated from the bottom of my heart because I feel alone in this; I am afraid what my family would say about me "knowingly" being with someone with a disease as all-encompassing as this . . . . my mind goes back and forth back & forth to where I wonder if I even know what the heck i'm doing in life. . .