Replies to 'Stress at Work'

to be going thru this sooo soon.  I almost feel that you have answered your own question.  When you become stressed out and lash out (and I love that word Knackered), then you know that it's either time to reevalute yourself,  or your position. 

If you stay there and continue to do what you do in the condition you are now - it will start to tear and wear you down, I know - I was at a position where I was basically yelled at almost every day for the money not coming in and what was the result - high blood pressure.  You are educated, and I do believe based on what you wrote that you posses a lot of common sense. 

Another thing I see and feel in your writing and if it's done right - you have a comedic gift.  Remember a lot of comedy is based on tragedy.  I had a teacher in math class(alge-pre clac) who was a Major in the military and also had a Phd, but dang if he wan't a good stand up comic with a lot of dry wit. 

The money is never worth it if it makes you sick - you should have fun at work (I know your a divorce lawyer).  You should feel good about yourself. 

Hi Yewberry 

I'm also 35 and have a good job as a police investigator in financial crime.  I've had to work really hard to get to where I am, and once I got here, I realized it isn't wasn't nearly what I'd hoped for.  On my road to this place I had some very difficult periods at work, and I became for a while a pretty miserable and nasty person.  Thankfully, I think I'm over that now.  I still work for the same organization, but changed my location and my job function.  I also had to give up some dreams I had for my career:  I finally realized that the price I had to pay to make those dreams only possibly come true were too high.  So now I've downsized my expectations, upped my education, and did the sideways slide.  I did have a bit of luck to help, and it's paid off.  I've had a promotion since I made the change, and my personal life is in much better order.  I have more advancement opportunity before me now than I did before.  Still, my past difficulties have left me very disillusioned with my agency, and I'm also considering a career change.  I also recognize I have a good thing going that will be hard to beat anywhere else. 

I don't know if you have the same opportunity within your job to change focus without making a wholescale change.  People tell me that in life, work as well as everything else has its ups and downs.  When work is down, it's time to focus on something else:  friends, a hobby, whatever.   I am friends with a number of lawyers and am aware of the particular challenges there - hopefully you have friends outside your field to keep you grounded.  I try and make sure I spend time every week with friends, doing art of some kind, and getting exercise outdoors.   When this combination is in play, people comment to me that I appear very happy.   

As for changing jobs, think carefully!  It may well be time to change, but consider where you are going and plan your moves like a chess game:  what may come two or three moves down?  You may be exchanging one set of problems for another, and this is the very question which I am considering.  I did a course on organizational design which covered which types of work styles are appropriate to what kind of tasks and what kind of organization.  In my course, some classmates swore by start-ups while others preferred mid to larger size organizations.  That's another consideration:  you may prefer to be a lawyer in a smaller firm, where there is more room to manoeuver.  It may be a very different job.  Or move to government, and work as a lawyer in policy development.  Lot of opportunities are out there to refocus without abandoning what you've already built.  You may want to move away from a management role if you are finding the HR portion of your job draining.  Not everyone is cut out to be a manager, and being a good manager is far more difficult than being a lawyer. 

As for becoming demanding and confrontational, your personality has adapted to becoming an effective lawyer.  This is not a bad thing, it just means you have to recognize you've had to take on certain traits to be effective at your job.  Good for you.  Who wants a sissy lawyer?  Your next step is to learn to turn those traits on and off as required.  You are not your job, and you have to become 'you' again at the end of your workday or in work conditions when those traits are counter-productive.  In policing, people struggle with this all the time.  People who lose that struggle eventually become divorced or alcoholics.  You don't want that.  You can learn to control it. 

I think 35 is for women what 40 is for men:  a time of reckoning.  The questions are pretty universal: is this what my life all adds up to?  My hyper-successful older sister says 35 is when you realize this is what your life is about, and you accept your path.  She has a great job, is on her third career, and complains of the same problems as the rest of us despite all the variety she's had.  I'm not sure she's right about the buddhist-style acceptance thng, but it sure helps in dealing with the daily grind.  So I think of my sister when I don't like my job, and I think of her when I go home to my nice boyfriend, my nice house and the pretty things my job has allowed my to buy, and plan my next caribbean vacation.  Acceptance is good...