Replies to '10/05 Moms: Cut the Chaos'

Dear Serene, 

I am also a mom with two girls.  I think you should listen to the advice you've been given.  Your daughter just may not be ready.  There really isn't a specific age a child should be in order to be potty trained.  Children develop individually.  (I know, I know... your mom's kids and your grandmothers kids and your mothr-in-law's kids and everyone else's kids were all trained at 18 months, right?...Liars!).  I understand your desire to potty train considering you have two children in diapers.  In my experience forcing my daughters into potty training only seemed to cause power struggles.  What has worked best for me is positive reinforcement.  For example, make a chart (however you like), put it on the fridge in plain sight, and each time your daughter uses the bathroom give her a sticker to add to the chart.  Give her a weekly goal (2 stickers per day to equal 10 at the end of the week) and have a special prize at the end of the week.  I rewarded with inexpensive items (ice cream cone/a toy from the Dollar Store) and then had a grand prize after 4 weeks (just choose something you know she would like).  My oldest daughter was closer to age 3 before she was potty trained and even then she still had an occasional accident.  Choose your battles. 

You are not going to believe this but I have a 16 year old son and a two year old daughter.  I too thought that my daughter should be potty trained by now because my son brought me his diaper at 18 months, yes he did, and told me that he was a big boy and only babies wear diapers and he wasn't a baby anymore.  From then on he didn't wear diapers.   

As for my daughter....we have spent hundreds of dollars on potty chairs, books, videos, dolls you name it.  I went to her pediatrician frustrated and broke and asked "WHAT???"  With all his degrees and experience he very calmly told me "She's not ready yet"  

Simple words, but he's right, sometimes she tells me when she has to go, sometimes she doesn't.  But I think the fact that I'm not stressing about it is stopping her from stressing and we are plugging along. 

I'm far away from potty training these days but it's something I remember vividly. My first son was 2 1/2 when I tossed some cheerios into the potty and told him to dunk 'em. He took to potty training instantly and within a few days we tossed the diapers. I remember running into a friend who had a 3 1/2 year old and she was buying diapers with a look on her face like she was committing a criminal offense. She explained that "he only wears them at night" and he piped in to let me know that he had one on right then. I was surprised that such an intelligent woman and good mom could have a 3 1/2 year old who wasn't trained yet.... oh how naive we can be.  

I learned with my 2nd son that I had NOT toilet trained our first son, he just decided it was time. My li'l guy liked his diapers and wouldn't be parted from them. I tried everything and was mortified when someone "caught" me buying diapers when he was over 3. Suddenly, a lot of friends who'd been sure that they'd had their kids "trained" by 2 were admitting that one or all of their kids were older. I relaxed until he was 3 1/2 and then I sat him down and asked why he wouldn't stop wearing his diapers. He told me he liked the way they heated up his bum when he peepeed... eeewwww. He went into underoos the next day and for a week he asked for his diapers because he hated being wet. Today's diapers don't let kids feel that they are wet so there's no real need to get out of them other than when vanity or peer pressure kicks in.  

My advice to you is not to worry. Lots of kids are 2 1/2 or older when they're out of diapers which is why they make them in gargantuan sizes now.  

For anyone who is past the diapering stage, I'd remind you that diapers are INCREDIBLE at sucking up spills. I've always kept them on hand for those times when a cup of juice spills and I can attest that a good diaper can suck up a full cup of grape juice from a beige carpet without leaving a mark.  

Each child is different on what will work.  I put a poster board on the wall of the bathroom child level for my first child.  I then kept two boxes of stickers.  Each day she used the potty she would get a small sticker to put on the poster whether she went or not. At the end of the week if she showed  stickers for each day of the week she was allowed to pick a larger and better sticker.   

This did not work for my second daughter.  With her the only thing that worked is enrolling her in a childrens group for several hours each morning.  She picked it up in just a week after watching all the other kids doing it.   

I know it is hard but stay patient and hang in there. 

With my daughter who is 3 1/2, I just stuck her in panties and if she had an accident she had an accident.  I tell you what within a week she was going to the potty with maybe 1 or 2 accidents.  It has saved us a ton not having to buy so many diapers now!