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Replies to 'Abuse'
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July 27, 2007, 4:59 am PDT
 Quote From: ricschic Ok...I'm going to jump in this one big time. Just please remember....I'm speaking strictly PERSONALLY here. I reentered the dating scene again at 45. With 4 kids in tow, and a bad back to boot. Prime dating material??? HAH!!! And the God's-honest truth is when I ventured out on my own for the firs time, I wasn't looking for a date. Another man was the FURTHEST thing from my mind, unless he didn't have two left feet. I was looking for PEOPLE...since I'd been alone (I understand your loneliness, though married) for the last over 20 years. I just wanted grown up conversation. I wanted someone to tell me something to make me laugh. And I love to dance...and I hadn't been dancing in over 20 years. I wanted to get out on that dance floor and have a good time!! Truthfully...I never even thought about dating. Imagine my surprise the first time I got asked out. And I found what I was looking for. I met people...people that I still run into to this day. I met people that we'd get together at a big table...everyone talking..laughing..having a good time just being a part of that. Kind of hard to describe totally. I wasn't sitting at a table full of 20 or 30-somethings. These were all people like myself, and we had a few of the "younger" crowd with us as well. It was just a group of PEOPLE. I had someone express shock at the fact that I walked into a club BY MYSELF for the very first time in over 20 years. To me..no big deal. And...you know where I'm at now, I think. I think I've probably said enough or alluded to enough to know that I am with the typical "good guy". He wasn't the only one I met. No..I didn't meet a ton of them...but I met them. GOOD GUYS. And it wasn't just the "bar scene" as people call it. I take exception to that term, actually...I saw things differently. Yes..there are always the "hunters"..the "prowlers"..they're out there wherever you happen to be. I had coffee..I went to movies...dinner. I "did lunch". I started LIVING again. It was what I learned, see. I wouldn't go back to my youth for anything in the world. I'm much better today than I was back then. I'm wiser...smarter. I'm different. I'm going to risk sounding conceited, and I surely hope no one takes it that way...since I don't mean it that way...but I LIKE myself. I LIKE who and what I am today. I'm a flawed individual..I make a ton of mistakes. But I LIKE ME. I used to regret WASTING my youth (and those were exactly my words as well) on someone SOOOOO undeserving. Now..I don't see it as a waste. For whatever reasons, I HAD to learn those lessons. I don't think it's coincidence that a LOT of women who lived in an abusive situation for a long time end up with really good men. I know I'm far from the only one. I'm a better person for having gone through what I did. I think it's all about an ability to overcome...to progress...to not let the past make you bitter. Miserable. I'm NOT saying this is you...I'm just generalizing here. You sound angry. Believe me...I'll be the first person to say that you're entitled to that anger, and I'm GLAD you're angry. You're not sitting back and just accepting things as they are. You might not have the energy to date...but methinks you might have the energy to eventually reclaim YOUR life. I've always said it took me 3 YEARS to get my head back on straight. I didn't just jump out there...it took me time to get myself put back together. Maybe with some counseling (*cough* *cough*) I might have come through quicker. I'll never know. BUT. You've been the recipient of all this negativity. Yes..I'm going to venture out and ask..has it rubbed off on you? I'm genuinely asking that question, only b/c I want to hear what YOU have to say about it...after you've thought about it. But yes..I'm glad you're angry. I'm glad you're intolerant. And one thing I'm sooooooo very glad of...that you're not in denial...you see what's going on. I apologize for the length of this, but you know me by now. Verbose, they call it. I can't say things in a short sentence. I can't get my thoughts across if I do so. And thanks for hearing me out here....Becky Negativity, oh yea. In fact of all the "gifts" my husband has given me, the negativity is THE one I wish I could get my money/life investment time back for. It kills the spirit. Am I "negative" yes, as it has been the ONLY emotion allowed in my home and heart for a long time. My husband says it has been years since he laughed (he "laughs" at me plenty at my expense, when talking to me or to others about me, so I would venture he "laughs" more than he claims).
He "downloads" his negativity about EVERYTHING onto me, and tells me "leave emotions out of it", (so where is LOVE supposed to come in if you cannot have emotions?) and well...............as opposite of this philosophy as I REALLY am, I have no doubt it has had its effect on me.
In fact SEVERAL years ago I kept being unable to find "happy", NONE of my regular things and hobbies (to include my bad habit but ever entaining shopping release didnt' cut it" or even being with other people (in short nothing I had previously enjoyed), painting, metal detecting, yardwork, entertaining, (especially decorating with paper, balloons at 4th of JUly or birthdays or the joy I had always gotten, in spite of his Scrooge take on things at Christmas) was working to uplift my sense of doom and dread, or uselessness, these things had been my "best friends" my distractions, also my children, it seemed he had to rob me of my joy in "doing for and being with them" too. Then it really HIT me..........happy is not allowed around here, or for me when I was "out there". Abusers, emotional or otherwise make you feel stupid, small and unimportant and anything but dwelling or asorbing their "negativity" is simply NOT allowed. The chinese water torture drip drip dripping all "happy" out of life.
He created so many crisises, or wouldn't help "solve" the ones that erupted to the degree I was so busy putting out fires of created or reactive discontent in my home.......that I didn't even realize we were fully engulfed and there was no saving the "home".
I remember asking my sister, "You do realize he is out to and going to destroy EVERYTHING you are fighting so hard to save?", and so I applied this to myself, and "let go" to everything so it couldn't be "used" against me. I DID leave my emotions out of it, and well if and when I can "get free" , the first "work" I have to do is to find my emotions (the basic part of me) again. I do look forward to that, and to getting back to what I do enjoy, instead of fighting, worrying, defending, trying to "explain" what he knows but doesn't care about. He WANTS to dwell on his own misery, pass it on, and then BLAME you for your "negativity". How ironic.
Noted, that you noticed and I will try and think "happier and more positive thoughts" like Tink, maybe then I can fly? |
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