Replies to 'Abuse'

Hi...welcome to the board. I was in a long term emotionally abusive marriage as well. I found out the hard way that kids KNOW. You think you're keeping things from them...but they KNOW.  I have four kids, 24, 21, 17 and 6. My 24yo daughter is married to an emotionally abusive man. A week or so ago, she was ready to leave. Now she's wanting to "work things out". I taught her well, I suppose.

I'm going to TRY to answer your questions. I don't doubt that the others will come in and help me out with this.

How to not worry about how he will react? It depends on which type of reaction you're expecting, I guess. If you think he's going to become physically abusive (and I'd worry about this, since he's been physical in the past..and even an emotionally abusive man can cross that line when his target makes moves to get away). I would suggest talking to your local DV center. A women's shelter. You don't have to live in one to avail yourself of their services. They can help you come up with a plan. And they have resources available that might help you.

How to not worry about where he will go? That question to me suggests an amount of emotion still left for him. Speaking personally, and you can take from this what you will...when I booted mine for the final time, I didn't CARE where he went...as long as it was far, far away from US. I haven't seen one yet that didn't manage to somehow land on his feet, since they're master manipulators.

The dogs. I agonized over leaving my beloved animals. I was more concerned with the health and well being of my children and myself at that point. It was a sacrifice we ALL had to make. (I'm not saying you're not concerned with your children...not at all...I'm just saying I finally woke up...and had to consider the kids and only the kids and myself, of course). As much as you love your animals...unless you own your home, it's hard to find somewhere that will accept animals. They're out there, though. Maybe with an increase in deposit. But they're out there. Failing that, maybe a friend, co-worker or family member could take them? That way you could have "visitation", and if it came to pass that you could have animals again...well, there you have it.

What "other things" specifically are you referring to? I'm not good at guessing sometimes.

How to get brave enough? It wasn't being brave, it was being FED UP. Couldn't stand one more nano-second of it. I had simply had all I could take, and couldn't take anymore. My freedom and the ensuing peace was worth whatever I had to do to get it.

I don't know about insight...and there are times when it's one breath at a time. One foot in front of the other. I can tell you this much...the ends justifies the means. It's worth it all. Already you're seeing instances of the fallout of living in an abusive situation...the ramifications for the kids. Everyone pays a price..but I feel as though the kids pay the highest price of all sometimes. With enough love, hope, and yes...maybe some counseling, it's not too late to undo some of the damage done. I'm not going to lie to you...it's not easy. It's hard. But for me, it was all worth it.

Truthfully, I'd love to tell you to trust me on this...just GO..NOW. Before more hurt and pain and damage is done. Get your kids out and get them to as normal a life as you can give them. Give them a happy mother...a mother who's at peace with herself. But you're the only one who can make the determination to go. It's all up to you.

First off...I'd make that call, though. I'd check out the links provided above...and do some reading. Get an understanding. And certainly...make that call. The number should be in the front pages of your phone book...if not, call your local PD and ask them for it. They'll have it.

I wish  you all the best......Becky