Replies to 'Infidelity'
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July 28, 2005, 2:25 pm PDT
 Quote From: confused new to this but going to try it out... I don't feel like there has been an infidelity but my husband thinks so.. Back in 1984 when we started dating he had several women on his list and I just wanted to date one guy. And I told him that, well he assumed that I wasn't seeing anyone else and about 12 years later into our marriage he finds out that during that time I slept with some men.. But I felt back then if he could do it so can I.. But I never shared with him, not that he told me all about his. So now here it is 2005 and he is still having a problem with it, we have been married 17 years and have oe child together. He says it goes and comes in his mind or when he sees one of these men, it brings it all back to him. I didn't want to tell them there names but he hounded me and made me cry so much one night that I told him to get him to shut up and now it is like it never ends. I feel like I haven't done anything wrong because we weren't married at the time... But he says part of him loves me and a part of him hates me... I have tried to get him to go to counseling but he won't. I have gone and they told me he is the one with the problem.. Any advice out there for me.. cause I really Love hIm.. Wow your husband has some issues!! Talk about holding a grudge, huh???
I'm just curious, when you ask him to come to marriage counceling and he won't go, what are his reasons? What is he afraid of, since he thinks that it is YOU who caused the problem...I'm thinking that maybe you could ask him to go to marriage counceling again, then let him say his excuse why he won't go, and you have something to say to counter-act his excuse, Like if he says "no, I'm not the one who needs to go because you are the one who slept with other men..." (or whatever he will say!!) You can reply to him, "yes dear but talking to a councelor together could help you learn the steps we need to take for you to learn forgiveness..." Or something simular to that...
I'm thinking that your husband must be a pretty miserable person if he is choosing to hold onto this matter, making a much bigger deal out of it then it is...also, perhaps he is the type of person who just can't accept happiness for himself, perhaps he has self esteem issues and deep down he feels that, for whatever reason, he doesn't deserve to be happy; so when he starts to feel some happiness, he will bring up this subject to destroy that happiness. This is a very sad way to live, for both of you... You say that you really love him, but do you respect him? This is a man who has been bringing up the past for many, many years, making you feel ashamed and cry, etc., why would he hurt you in this way over and over? He is miserable so he wants you to be miserable too...or maybe he keeps bringing it up since he has no other "dirt" on you because he wants to drive you away...Thats a possibility. Whatever the case is, I urge you to seek therepy again for yourself. This must be very depressing for you, and although your husband does has his own issues, you can never, ever change him, you can only change yourself and how you react to him. That is something that you can learn by talking to a councelor. It can be very helpful to talk with a professional, someone who has already seen and heard "it all" who can guide you towards what steps needed to take to find true happiness. Because you really are not happy right now, right? But please know that you do deserve happiness, you don't deserve this treatment at all. |
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