Replies to 'Addiction Support'

Hi mischif!  I'll be happy to try to encourage you. :)

First, I didn't realize your hubby has this problem.  I can't imagine being in early sobriety and finding beer cans all over the house.

But here's the deal.  You are working such a solid program, and I can tell by your posts that you're benefitting from it.  So don't let anything or anybody take that away from you.  In fact, they can't -- it's all yours!

Since you're more involved with AA than I am at this point, I'm sure you already know what I'm about to say.  But problems between spouses when one gets sober are endemic -- regardless of whether the other spouse has a problem himself or not.  Part of it is the sober person suddenly seeing the spouse with clear eyes.  Part of it is the spouse suddenly seeing what the sober person is like when they're not drinking.   And suddenly people are confronted with issues they didn't even know existed.

The one thing I can assure you of is, with more and more sobriety, things become clear and take care of themselves in a way you can't even envision right now.   It's hard to explain, so I won't even try.  But you are slowly and steadily earning the right to celebrate yourself.  From what I can tell, you have a great career and have been given a second chance.  You're doing what you have to do to stay sober every day, and you're reaching out to help others.  Hang on to that! 

The issues with your hubby are serious and will need to be addressed.  But your sobriety gives you the power to address them on your timetable.   

PS - I agree about AA not "steering us wrong" and I, too, would definitely advise against making any major moves.  But AA also has some strong words about "slippery people and places".  If at any time you decide that these beer cans lying around are an actual threat to your sobriety, I would think that situation would trump the "major change" advice in a heartbeat. 

I really think, based on what I've read from you, that you are doing everything right.  So my prescription is for you to do something nice for yourself today.  You've earned it.  And just keep taking those small steps.  The rewards are enormous, even when those inevitable bumps in the road pop up.

  For anyone that feels like they are affected by another's addiction - Al-Anon can and will give you the tools to take care of yourself in this difficult situation. 

This is a 12 step program for YOUR recovery from the affects of someone's alcoholism/addiction.

The situation will improve if you apply the al-anon ideas.

Even if you are in another 12 step program, you can change your hat and come to Al-Anon as well.

I have been attending Al-Anon meetings for over 10 years and I will gladly correspond with anyone that needs help.

Peggy

"He is truely a functional alcoholic in that he gets up every morning goes to work and pulls down 6 figures. He only drinks at night after work and he's not violent or abusive in the physical sense of the word. He can be verbal at times but general he keeps to himself in true alcoholic fashion"

Is it wrong for me to not want him to drink like that? I feel so confused and lost.

Start of the story-

husband always drank and it just seems like it was getting worse and worse. Couldn't go anywhere without him stopping in at the mini mart to get and "energy drink". One night while we were having poker night at the house, he and the neighbor both drunk out of their minds decided to go to the mini mart for "energy drinks" even though there was a whole cooler of beers on the back porch. Well, they took our truck and flew out of here (after hitting his work van trying to get out of the driveway). They flew down the street where the road curves and missed the turn. He hit a fire hydrate and tore it out of the ground. Dummy decides to flee the scene and drive back home. Parked the truck, neighbor went home and he went to bed leaving me downstairs with all the guests. Eventually the cops showed up and he lied and said it wasn't him and the truck was stolen. They didn't have enough evidence to press charges so they were dropped. I threatened if he didn't quit drinking the kids (ages 6 and 8) and I were out of there. He went to 2 AA meetings and said they weren't for him. I thought he was done drinking and then found out that he stops at the mini mart on his way home from work and downs a couple of beers. This has been going on for a couple of years now. Every time I even ask it goes into a full blown fight that he has to have his drinks to deal with stress from work. Or finding an excuse to leave the house for a while on the weekend so he can sneak a few drinks in. I swear he had a few before our 8 yr old nephews bday party last week.

I don't know what to do. Am I wrong for not wanting him to drink like that? I don't want my kids to grow up around that even though they don't realize what is going on yet. I just feel so hurt and depressed.

I don't mind the social drinking. That doesn't bother me at all-in fact I enjoy it as well. It's when he goes overboard and then starts saying mean hateful things makes me feel like everything is my fault.

Please help!

PS-just started reading the book Codependent No More hoping this will help me as well and I have an appointment with a therapist.