Replies to 'My Friend/Relative Won't Discipline!'

Quote From: shimmer_022000

My step daughter who is now 13 came to live with us two years ago. Before she came to live with us she would call all the time  telling us about how things with her grandmother were pretty bad and she didn't want to live there anymore, we did not react on this right away we waited a year to see how things would change and she still insisted that she no longer wanted to live there.

Her mother really hasn't been in her life at all for the past 11 years, more so when its convenient for her to be. My heart went out to her and we decided to go for custody of her. My fiance of 6 years was awarded full custody with no visitation awarded to the mother at the time because of her criminal past and failing to appear to court to established her parental rights.

I will admit we believed everything she told us that was going on at her grandmothers and we felt sorry for her but boy did we get a rude of awaking really fast when she came to live with us. 

It started almost immediately with lying, not doing her chores that we allowed her to choose and blaming everyone for the things she did.  I know it doesn't seem so bad most kids do this kind of thing and i understand this but it has gotten really bad.

 I am a stay at home mother so i got the brunt of most of it. Her father worked very long hours and was not home for most of what i was going through and at the time did not believe what i was telling him. I expected this because of me being a step-mother and that being his daughter. It had gotten really bad at home to the point i dreaded waking up everyday.She  back talks me, lies to me about everything, steal my things and tell me she never had them, stole from friends at school and told me she got punished because of a fight, not bring her grade cards home and tell me that she gave it to me i must have lost it, the whole time  it was in her folder, was staying after school for some help with some classes she was not performing well in then i find out she wasn't even staying for the classes she was walking home after school with boys.  She would throw things at me, scream at me, and no matter what punishment we gave her she would make fun of it. She told me that grounding her was a joke because she got grounded for not doing it, and she still wasn't going to do it because we already took everything from her so she didn't have anything else to lose by not doing it. But if anyone outside the family would ask her about this stuff she would immediately burst into tears and play the innocent card that it wasn't her doing this bad stuff it was me making it sound like it was that bad.

She has even went as far as accuse me of leaving bruises on her arms, that her book-bag she was carrying for school left. I would find letters all over the house that she was writing her mom telling her that I was hitting her when it was just not true, and thank god her dad was home when she told them I was supposed to have done this because he knew I did not do it. Then things really got worse, She cut her self with a dry-wall screw all over her arms, and face, I had just laid my son to bed and they sleep in the same room she was awake when i laid him down, it was exactly 10 minutes later she came down and stood in front of me and i about freaked to see her like that, I asked her what had happened and she told me that my cat jumped off the bed and did that, my cat has no claws, when i reminded her of that she quickly changed her story to a ghost came into her room and did it.  Concerned about my son being in the same room i went to check on him and found the dry-wall screw under her blankets, I wiped it off and found blood on it.  I confronted her about this and gave it to her dad and she still to this day denies that she did that to herself. Not to mention every time she gets in trouble she becomes ill to the point we have to take her to the doctor so she will leave us alone about it.

I contacted her doctor and took her in for a visit and some help because things were getting way out of hand. After speaking with us separate he brought us in together and asked me why her father was against counseling, I explained to him that was not the case and we would not be in his office if it was.  He then proceeded to tell me that she feels she wasn't getting enough attention, so I asked him how much attention is enough we divided our time equally between the children and i will not treat them differently.  He then looked at my step-daughter and explained to her that this was not going to work unless she tries to make it work also.  He then asked me how I felt about the things that were going on, I told him i was scared for my family that this would never stop and over the months if we don't give in to her the worse she makes life for her father and I, and now she is hurting herself and worried me about her hurting my son. He then explained to me that it was not going to matter how much attention that I paid to her or father in her eyes it would never be enough and if i thought things were bad now it was going to get worse in the future.

So I thought well I am going to take her with me to my mothers this summer and maybe she can see how a family works together and want that for us to. Biggest mistake I ever made, first night there she stayed with my sister and her daughter who is the same age as my step daughter. They got caught sneaking out to let some 16 year old guys look at them from the house across the street, she then started telling my niece that her dad couldn't stand her and the only reason she was allowed to come was because I begged him.  She then  came to me and explained to me that she had found the shorts that were missing after my nieces last visit to my house and that she had stolen them, only to find out that she gave them to my niece and then decided she wanted them back. She became very upset with me, when she was being paid to watch my younger niece and nephew and left him alone in the swimming pool that came up to his neck, when i walked out and saw this i grabbed him out of the pool, and found her out front with some boy. She was upset because i made her go in the house and started kicking my mothers furniture and yelling.

 My sister later came to me and was concerned about the comments that my step-daughter was saying her father made about my niece, I was so furious i couldn't even speak to my step-daughter at that time, I could not believe that she would tell someone some awful lies like that to hurt someone's feelings.  Well by this time I had had enough and called and left a message for her father to call me back.  Then left to go to the store with my mother.

As i was pulling up my sister who lived right next door came out and told me that my fiance was on the phone and my step-daughter had been talking to him for awhile and asked her to lie to me and tell me she never talked to him.  When i got the phone I immediately got my butt chewed out him telling me that he was coming to pick my step-daughter up that weekend and how dare I treat her so awful when she had no family there but me. He wouldn't even give me 2 seconds to explain to him what was really going on. I just in anger hung up on him and my mother came up to check on me she heard me upset. My mother being my mother was upset about what my step-daughter had done and brought her upstairs against me telling her to just let it be, and told her she needed to see what she had done. That I have went out of my way to be her friend and care for her and what she done was wrong. Later that night i finally called her dad back and was told that she called him and told him that I was treating her really bad and she had been grounded the whole time she was there and that was not true she was never grounded but for the one week her father asked me to ground her for sneaking  out.  I also at that time found out she called her grandmother ( my fiance's mother) and told her that she over heard me and my sister talking and I said how bad I hated her and didn't want her in my life anymore, this was a complete lie and that has to this day never came out of my mouth.

I confronted my step-daughter about her calling her grandmother and telling her that and it took a bit but she finally told me that she did tell her that but it was a lie, so i then explained to her that she needed to call her back and tell her the truth she agreed in front of my mother to do so.  When I finally got ahold of her grandmother and explained to her that my step-daughter had something she needed to talk to her about, my step-daughter acted like she had no clue what I was talking about and had no clue why i called her grandmother,  and then the grandmother stated that she didn't know what I was talking about either that my step-daughter never told her that either.  So now i as looking at ok you called me and told me she did and now your telling me she didn't tell you that.  I knew she was just covering up for my step-daughter and was going to make it so much worse for her to learn that it is not ok to lie on people because you hurt then and now she was doing it for her now.

This has totally destroyed the friendship that her dad's mother and I had, we were really close and now I barely talk to her. I am still hurt that she would accuse me of doing something and then lie and tell me she never told me that, almost like when i needed her the most she turned her back on me.

So the lying got worse, she was leaving letters at my parents house when we would go visit saying her dad was cheating on me, was telling her dad that I was on the Internet cheating on him, listening on my phone calls to my parents and telling her dad that I was saying things I was not saying at all. She would even go as far and going to her room when she knew he was about ready to come home and if she had gotten in trouble that day she would lie to him and make it like it was my fault before I ever got a chance to talk to him about it, and sadly for awhile it worked, and all came out when i stressed great concern that no matter what she does she never gets punished for it by him. She even explained to me one night that her mother's boyfriend was tickling her and he made her feel uncomfortable and didn't want to be around him. But she in no way wanted me to tell her dad about it. I explained to her that I had no choice but to tell him for visits with her mom was up to him and if he didn't know and something bad happened I could not live with myself.

 But with everything going on and the deliberate attempts to destroy any kind of relationship her father and I had I decided it was best to move to my mothers house for awhile. In this time i was gone she started treating her dad the same way she treated me for the 2 years she has lived with us. Lying about everything, stealing from him, he even would ask her to do things like go to the movies and out to eat things she said we never did her response was get away from me dad your annoying. He then realized it was never about us doing family things it was about her getting what she wanted she wanted me gone so she could be alone and do what she wanted to while he was working. So with me being gone he got a big smack in the face to what I had been trying to tell him for many years.

About two months ago while I was gone her mother got visitation of her daughter, and is now allowed 8 hours every other weekend under supervised visitation,  and the boyfriend is not allowed to be around for the visitation.  My step-daughter wants to go spend nights with her and the man she accused of touching her and making her feel uncomfortable like its no big deal so i don't know what to believe anymore if he did it or not. She lied on me and i am not about destroying someones life over a possible lie.

 I moved back home about month ago and things are starting all over again, they are allot better between her father and I. But were in and out court with her mother because she keeps telling her mom 1/2 truths costing us so much money. She gets in trouble she is sick and needs to go to the doctor.  It has took a toll on this family to the point her dad is giving up he is ready to just let her do what ever she wants because he feels it just doesn't matter anymore. 

I am tired of walking on egg shells in my own home, My home is ran by a 13 year old kid despite any attempt we try to teach her she can't do that she does it anyway. You have to watch everything you say and how you say it or we get court papers in the mail, I am tired of her telling us she doesn't want to talk to her mom she hates her, then tells her mom her dad tells her to hate her mom and she wants to come visit but he won't let her she plays both sides of the fence.  I am tired of it all, I am gripping at straws trying to keep my family together and have exhausted every punishment I can think of with out being violent. Can someone please help me.............