Replies to 'My Friend/Relative Won't Discipline!'

I read your post, yes all of it, and had to respond since you took the time to sahre so much and be so open about the horrors you have been living through.

First and formost, get a small video camera for the common rooms, the living room and the kitchen. Start taping your daughter, so that you at least will have some proof to back up what you have been saying.

Once you have gathered up some video of your step daughters behaviors, take it to her social worker and have the social worker view it and make her own assesment.

As hard as it may be stand your ground and be firm with her.

Start looking around for a really good treatment program for teens, there are some really good ones, that do not pander to manipulative and abusive behaviors from youths. It may be that she will have to remain at a treatment center for six months to a year, but it will be so worth it! For her and your family!

I think if you did a search on the internet you can find a reputable and appropriate program for her.

She is costing you a lot of money already, and it is geting you no were, invest that money in getting her help.  She has really got the manipulation of the court and childwelfare system down pat. Get some video documentation about what is really going on.

As for the lies, when you know she is lieing, which is almost every time she opens her mouth, let her know , I know you are lying and I do not want to hear it, thank you.

Keep saying that, every time, every time! do not waver, or give her opportunities to lie.

Stop giving her the pay offs. Continue to offer your time for positive and constructive activities. If she starts to act out, say ok, guess you had enough quality time, get up move onto something else. Do this every single time!

Also, your husband needs to practice this as well and not waver. Furthermore, never be divided on issues in regards to your children, step children or otherwise. You and he must be a united fron at all times, even if you disagree, disagree in private Quietly!

Stealing, lock up all valuables in your bedroom and put a lock on your door.

Arguing or talking back, Hold both hands in front of you and firmly say Stop! If she stops calmly say if you have something to say to me, come to me when you can say it without yelling. Then walk away. Everytime! If she does not stop yelling after you have held out both hands in front of you and said Stop! simply walk away. Every time!

Do not ever give reponsabilities to this child that involves other children. In fact show that you do not have faith in her abilites to be responsable and hire a babysitter to come watch the young ones, and you and hubby go our for a hour. Is that harsh? Yup, it is emberassing for a 13 year old not to be trusted enough to look after the younger siblings, but the message is very very clear. Do this a few times untill she starts to show improvement, if she does not show improvement in being responsible, get a baby sitter!

Punishemnts do not work with her, she is getting a pay off by being shown that you have lost control and have resorted to punishment.

Does not clean her room? Bag up everything that is on her floor, give her exactly three outfits to wear, two for school one for when she is at home, that is it. You can change the outfits around if you choose, but only two school outfits and one home outfit is all she can have, and she needs to wash and dry and fold and put them away. If she chooses not to wash, dry and fold her own clothes, then you can do it for her and simply give her back the same items to wear the next week.

Phone calls, let her know that from now one she is going to have to ask permision to use the phone, every time! Take out easily assesable phones of she does not comply with this and lock them up in your room. Get yourself a remote phone that you can keep with you.

Bath times, bed times, Bath time is same time every night, she has one hour to get her bath, teeth and hair brushed and into her pajamas. Bet time t.v is turned off, radio, stereo what ever is turned off and children are put to bed. If she refuses to go to bed the T.V stays OFF, let her sit on the couch.

Rewards, have to be creative, the cleaning room one, is that for every week she keeps her room clean she gets another artical of clothing back, if she backslides a artical is removed, right up untill she may be left with the original three outfits, thats going to really suck for a thirteen year old lol.

Bath time, bed time, if she is doing well with this then she can pick a movie night either friday or saterday, and movie to watch for that night. Obviously this means bed time is extended for that night, Yaaa =).

Lieing, get a book with her name and the days of the week in it, for every lie she is caught in she gets a black mark, if within a week she has a total of say twenty black marks, she loses the opportunity to pick a fun activity that the whole family can participate in, could be swimming the park, roller skating, I don't know you will have to decide what activities to give her to choose from.

If she has less than ten black marks, she can choose an activitie, she is trying. As time progresses you can make it more dificult to attain the privilage of picking a family outing, say lessen it to 19 black marks, 18, 17, 16, so on so forth. If she gets to a point were the lies have stopped Great, but continue to go out on family outings that the kids can choose lol.

Also, be clear about what the expectation is, and what the rewards or disadvantages for not trying are, and let her know that the family will nto be paying for her lack of trying, but will go on a outing without her, does that hurt, heck yea, but you cannot make the other children pay for her deceptions.

The sexual abuse, yikes that is a tricky one, but you know what you need to believe her, unless it can be proven unequvically that it did not happen. At this point in time it is really not a issue as she will not be allowed to be around her mom when that man is there.

hope that these suggestions are helpful, if I missed anything and I am sure I did, I will post again. This all comes from experience with working in a youth treatment center and then with children in crisis. It is going to be a tough go for you, but please hang in there. And yes get her into see a youth counsellor, and continue to research treatment facilities, as an option if you do not notice improvement within a couple of months. I have had to work with some very disturbed children in a very short period of time with great success, so I have every faith that you can too!

If you wan to pick my brain, i would be more than happy to share with you anything I can that will be helpful to you and your family.

Keep in Touch! Sending you a healing hug and some strength and courage =)

Hugs

Tammy