Replies to 'Defining Your Authentic Self'

Quote From: faullzoomom

I am just about to finish chapter 3 in SELF MATTERS.  I am trying really hard to go slow and make sure I get all of it I need to.  Part of me is just really scared to get into being real with myself.  I am 39 years old and to be truthful all I've really known is playing mind games with other people and myself.  I think it really started in 6th grade.  I haven't been truly happy with myself and been able to look in the mirror and be comfortable with who I was.  Things that should have been the happiests memories like making my profession of faith and becoming a Christian, graduating high school, my whole college experience, dating and getting married.  All of it spoiled because none of it was what my family wanted.  Don't get me wrong I am taking responsibility probably for the first time admiting I am not a victim completely but I allowed what happened to me and I know I need and must acknowledge I created my world passively, sub consciously and consciously.   Marrying my husband probably saved my life.  Marrying him was the only time in my life since the 6th grade I wasn't obessed with killing myself all of the time.  I have been actually happy (what I perceived to be happiness) now for the past 13 years.  But there is something in my gut that is screaming out that just walking away from all of the dysfunction isn't good enough anymore.  I have three children now, 9, 4 and 4.  I want them to be emotionally, spiritally and mentally healthy.  How can I teach that when I know I never knew what that was growing up.  I am almost afraid to delve into how messed up I truly was.  But at the same time I have such a craving desire to move past all of this crap and see a peaceful, confident me on the other side.  I am not one to self motivate and it is hard for me not to even mention carving out some uninterrupted time away from my boys.  I really want this I have been reading the postings and you all sound so close.  I am hoping to join in for support from women who understand and not to revert to my old ways and seek out sympathetic support from men.  I should start on chapter 4 tommorrow.  Pray for me or think good thoughts my way (which ever you are comfortable with).