Replies to 'Defining Your Authentic Self'

This is what I mean by realizing how truly messed up I was.  I can think back to being 8th or 9th grade and a boy sitting next to me in class always touching me in very sexual inapproriate ways.  I knew it was not right, but as an unnattractive, fat girl I was getting attention from an older football player.  Even though it was just in class I honestly craved the attention so much I let it go way to far and felt like a slut but couldn't or wouldn't stop my payoff of the attention.  I needed that feeling more than I needed a healthy self esteem.  That was just the start of my double life as a young moral christian girl and the allowing of boys to touch me and fondle me even strangers as long as they would pay me attention I did not care who it was or what they did to me.  As I am writing this I realize not only is this the first confession to anyone about this, it probably the first time I am letting myself be honest enough with myself to see I allowed all of this I wasn't a victim.  I found a coping mechanism for my lonliness and validating my self hatred.  I never even really dated anyone until my husband years later.  Believe it or not he was probably the only guy I have ever dated without the pretense of needing him to feel sorry for me to get his affection.  To this day and I have been married for 13 years he still doesn't know the sordid details of my life other than he knows my self esteem is not my strong suite and I have struggled my whole life to fit in with my family.   In my early teen and college years I just searched out guys, men who had tender eyes and let them do what they wanted so for one moment I could have someone "caring" for me and giving ME attention.  So you can't really say I was sexually abused.  It hardly ever came to intercourse and I was a willing participant just enjoyed (if that makes sense) the self pity and hatred of the aftermath.  Even though this is so much a part of my past, old feelings resurfaced momentarily  as there is a friend of my husband that it never fails on my down depressed days he senses.... knows ....and will call me and try to pull me into intimate conversation pretending to care about my woes, But I was able to recognize and stop his predator ways and my desire to feel I needed that from him.  I didn't need his advances......I am better than that now and I want to be okay and live a different life for my husband and my children and most of all for me.  I have been faithful to my husband since I have met him.  I love him.  I don't want to go back there because I can't get passed my past.  I know walking away isn't good enough.  I need to find my authentic self, I suppose what I have been looking for this whole time just in the wrong faces and places.