Replies to 'Addiction Support'

Hi!  Just so you know, I'm a recovering alcoholic and also grew up with 2 raging alcoholic parents, so I've more or less seen this issue from all sides.

A lot of what you said reminded me of myself.  So I'll mention a couple of things.

First, don't be so hard on yourself.  As you clearly realize, you've been enabling your fiance all over the place, to the point where it puts yourself and your employment at risk.   It's unfortunate, but enabling comes naturally to most of us who think of ourselves as "good" people.  Why wouldn't we want to "help"?? 

The problem is that enabling is very destructive to the alcoholic.  Us alcoholics tend to look at the results of our drinking in terms of "well, I still have.....".  And as long as someone is sticking around helping us hang on and avoid consequences, (as in leaving work to pick him up from a DUI), that person is not only hurting him/herself, but is hurting the alcoholic even more.   An alcoholic NEEDS the consequences to hit his/her bottom.

The other thing that reminded me of myself is this: In spite of all the therapy and meetings and research, I can tell that  you're still struggling with the notion that there has to be something left for you to do.  There has to be some combination of right words or actions that will make him sit up and see the light.  Simply put, there isn't.  You cannot control his disease.

Finally, like me, you're on information overload.  While education is certainly useful as part of a healing process, it can actually become a negative and you end up with "paralysis by analysis."   And when that happens, people can stall out. 

So I guess my only real advice is that you simplify things.  Stop reading and researching.  If your therapist isn't holding you accountable for acting on your knowledge, stop with the therapist.  I do think Al Anon can be helpful in cases like yours.  But set simple goals (ie, by this weekend I will have kicked him out), do not negotiate your boundaries with your fiance, and above all, be good to yourself.