Replies to '10/05 Moms: Cut the Chaos'

18 yrs married and going strong here, no drugs either! But four kids, six miscarriages, MS, a disabled child, plenty of stress.  Add to that that others seem to have problems believing I'm as old as I am and I think we're doing ok. :) 

  

 I find your *take* on parenting very different to be honest, but I think you feel we have it far worse than we do. Is it frustrating and stressful? You betcha.  but it's the most rewarding thing out there.  I wouldn't trade my every day stresses, 24/7 children for all the time and money in the world.  My contribution to my community is time, well behaved children, cookies for events, lots of good stuff.   

  

Yes, Dr Phil has some s truggling people on his show, but there are also many of us out here who, while we certainly have our stresses, are very happy as parents.   

  

  

  

      I read your message and although I do understand that it's a person's own choice as to weither or not they have children...I was disturbed by some of your comments.  To me, children and their needs are not distractions.  Raising a child with strong morals, values and self-esteem can be the most rewarding thing a person can ever do.  And hey, if you and your husband just don't want to go there that's fine.  But to me you almost make it sound as though a child places such a burden upon one success and happiness.  Yet my son is how I define my success and happiness!!!  No high dollar bank account, or CEO position, or beautiful house or car for that matter could ever outweigh the love, the happiness and fulfillment that comes through raising a respectable child.  I also thought it was quite strange that you said that you and your husband are healthier and look younger than your counterparts with children.  I beg to differ. There are those people that keep a healthy body and mind even while raising a child or having had one for that matter.   

      Yes, no one ever said that we have to have children and I do agree it's a personal choice that each of us get's to make.  You probably do have more money and time to do things for your community but who's to say that those of us with children don't or can't.  And believe it or not those of us who have chosen to have children can also sustain a strong, healthy bond in our marriages.  We, at times, might be a lil' strapped for time but then it becomes our responsibility to make time for the things that are important to us.  My husband and I have also been through some SERIOUS STORMS in our relationship but have managed to pull through everytime.  And most of the time our trials hit us was when we had already had our son.  I never said that you stated that it's impossible for those with children to do any of these things but I just wanted to show you my proof that with children, or for me...my only child....I am still successful.  Maybe not so much in my wallet but through my life and family. 

I absolutely agree that if you and your husband have decided that you do not wish to have children, then you shouldn't...even if family and friends are pressuring you to do so.  Being a good parent requires you to be selfless and to put your childrens' needs before your own, which some people simply cannot or will not do.  I have to say that as a SAHM of a 3 year old (and one on the way) that I do not feel that I have been "distracted" by my child's needs or that I have not had time to nurture our marriage.  In fact, for me, having a child has only made our marriage and love for each other stronger.  It is amazing how much more you can love a man when you see him carefully powdering your baby's bottom or giving a giggling 2 year old pony rides around the living room.  I hope you realize although your decision not to have children may have been the best for your marriage, some couples WILL grow closer to each other as a result of creating and nurturing a human life.  I believe that God will only give us what we are capable of handling, so for my husband and I, being blessed with 2 beautiful children is a great compliment.

I agree that thinking about having children and discussing it is very important. It's a decision that shouldn't be taken lightly because, as you say, you can't send them back. 

  

However, you seem to believe that your marriage and life is as good as it is because you didn't have children. I've been married for 25 years to the most wonderful person I know. I was lucky enough to have been married for 7 years before we had our boys so we were able to build a strong foundation together but there hasn't been a single day since we've had our children that I've regretted being a parent.  

  

When we were childless, we had great trips, a cool car and a tiny perfect apartment in an upscale adult neighbourhood. I knew that when we had our son, I'd continue to work full time but what you think will happen prior to having kids and what the reality is are two different things. Inside my dynamic business person exterior was a passionate stay home mom just waiting for her chance to shine. Our income was cut in half and our expenses doubled. It was a bargain for the happiness we've been given. :)  

  

Parenthood can be stressful but it can also be exhilarating and so full of love that it can't be explained. For me, it's been like being full up to the brim with a smile for 18 years. We were happy before we had our boys but, as parents, we're HAPPY. A house full of laughter and love doesn't really need prescription drugs and the crinkles around my eyes are well deserved.  

  

I knew my husband was a good man before we had children but having them showed me that he's an exceptional father. Our 18 yr. old has headed out to college and our 13 yr. old is growing up quickly and too soon so it'll be just the two of us before long but the love hasn't diminished with having been "distracted by our childrens' needs", it's doubled and tripled. We've both been active in our community and we may not look younger than those without children but we surely do look happy.  

  

I'm glad you found what was right for you. I have awesome friends who also chose that path and they're happy and complete (and I've never asked them to babysit for us, but they often ask if they can borrow the kids) so I know that a life with kids is right for some people and not having kids is right for others but I don't believe not having kids keeps you healthier, younger or happier... many of us who are parents could give ya a run for your money and we could do it with a pile of coupons in one hand, a chocolate covered 3 yr. old under our arm and a smile on our faces :)