Replies to '09/03 Who's the Evil-Doer?'

Dear MIL,

Reading your reply did hit a nerve with me because the situation is so similar. Why is it that every MIL blames the DIL for having control over the husband and family? I believe for the most part, if the sons wanted to see their mothers, they would. I haven't met a man yet that doesn't do what he wants if he decides to. I think blaming the DIL for controlling their sons is easier than realizing that their own flesh and blood may actually rather stay away. And as for calling you grandchild and leaving a message from Gan Gan---this is exactly the type of stuff us DIL's are talking about. If you are having issues with your son and DIL---you attempt to reconcile & work on those issues---not work thru an innocent child by leaving Gan Gan messages on the answering machine. This from a DIL's point of view is just an attempt to mess with the family because afterall---if it were so important for you to see the child, you would work things out with the parents especially the mother. By leaving the child messages, you are stirring the pot because you think you have some ownership in this grandparent relationship & that you don't have to deal with the parents at all. This is why we keep our grandchildren away. Don't mess with the kids----leave them out of it. There are enough troubles in our kids lives without being torn between Gan Gan and his mother or father. You might think---well if he hears his Gan Gan, they will feel sorry and let me see him---it doesn't work that way. You are just making matters worse by not going thru them (the child's parents) first. Being a grandmother doesn't come with certain rights to the child. If the mother doesn't feel comfortable letting the child be rode around in a car then that is her right---it is her child. Especially if she's a first time mother. Worrying about her child all day while she's at work is the last thing she needs. And you should be glad that she's a good enough mother to worry, she could be out on drugs, leaving the child in worse situations. And then there's the payback thing. You couldn't finish without quoting how much you had done for them and spent on them. When are inlaws going to realize that if they want to do something out of love or good deed then don't expect some sort of an IOU. My inlaws are wealthy, and we along with our children could live with a lot more material things, and not have to do without a new car or such if we wanted to be in debt to them forever. Constant reminders of their help & gratitude in an effort to control our lives and behaviors. Like many, we chose to do without their financial assistance & make a life on our own. It is much better than feeling like you are constantly having to be under their control in repayment. When is anyone going to understand----Families don't want your money---you can't buy love & respect----you must earn it. My MIL would treat me like a dog, then go out and shopping and buy me whatever----well, I'd rather do without as to put up with it. MIL's keep saying well the grandchildren are going to be hurt by being kept away. No not really because you know the saying, you don't miss what you've never had.And who knows, maybe the child will resent the MIL for causing trouble with their mom & dad. I've got an elderly grandmother & she still continues to create trouble----I've never resented my mother because I've seen and heard and witnessed her manipulating behavior---for that I've never care to know her.