Replies to '03/21 Is This Normal?'

I'm sorry but I think the answer is a different one if you are married.  I'd been an SAHM for years and hadn't contributed monetarily on a regular basis for years.  Of course me being at home with kids was something we'd agreed on long ago when we talked about having children and the things important to us.  This was a *mutual decision* .  I think being married makes a *huge* difference because those 2 are making decisions together and have vowed to care about & for one another &/or share their lives for life.  If you're not married then you haven't taken that vow. 

 

This isn't about your friends pitying you or lectures given by people about him, but in reality it's about you being finished with the relationship & him.  Just tell him straight out that "this relationship just isn't right for me any more.  I know that it's going to take some time for you to find a place to go etc. but I need to end this relationship and very soon".  Then give him a time table to be out.  Tell him he can have 2 weeks to find a place and move.  If you're able to plan a vacation with friends while he's looking for a place to go so it isn't awkward living there together while he's looking to get out.   If you're in a place that he owns or is in his name then perhaps you may want to think about doing the moving yourself.  This way if there are bills he's unable to pay for it's up to him to just fix that or leave there. 

 

I know your feel resoponsible for allowing the situation to turn into what it has but the idea that you're "reluctant to cut the cord without some sort of effor to make sure he is ok" is what got you into this in the first place.  You're not his mother and his well beinging is not your responsibility, it's up to *him* to make sure he's ok!   I think if you consider yourself his "host" that says it all as far as you being finished emotionally with the relationship and if that is the case then you're not doing yourself or him any favors by prolonging the inevitable. 

It's not really about what other people think. It's more about what do you really want in your life.

 

My daughter was with a man for 4 years. She was in love with him, so we kept out mouths shut. He wouldn't work, but he also slept till late in the afternoon and did nothing around the house. My daughter meanwhile worked and attended college.

 

My daughter was the one who finally figured out that she didn't want to live her life this way. It didn't look like he was ever going to be any different.

 

Myself, I've been a SAHM and am now a housewife. My husband foots the bills. We've been married for 33 years. This situation is working for us.

 

I think you just simply have to decide what works for you and what you really want and go from there. Best wishes and good luck.

 

I was married for 11 years to a man that I supported.  He would have jobs here and there and they never lasted for very long, eventually he stopped working all together, and I supported us both.  His issues were that he wasn't getting paid the money he "deserved".  Eventually, it gets real old.  I got tired of always worrying about money.  I constantly tried to get him to go get a job through encouragement and then eventually I yelled.  I stopped ALL financial support to him.  I thought if he was broke enough he would go work.  I lost all respect for him as a man, & a husband.  He lost respect for himself because men in general need to feel like the "man" and bring home the bacon, protect the family.... he was none of these.  I felt more like his Mommy than a wife. Finally got a divorce.  And trust me, men like that will latch onto someone else, they will never be homeless.  They will find another shmuck like us to leech onto.  And that's what he did.  Last I heard he moved out of the country.

I am happy to say that I got married to a wonderful man that has drive and ambition, and is loving and caring.  He wants to be a CEO of his company some day and makes well over 6 figures a year.  I am grateful I met him and got out of that black hole I was previously married too.

So, you're going to be this parasite's host for the rest of his life? Or, yours, should he outlive you? Then, where will he be? Homeless, car-less, money-less, etc. You're doing your friend no favors by allowing him to become increasingly dependent on you. Cut the cord now!