Replies to 'Getting Along With Your In-Laws'

You really said a lot that I already have thought it my head. Sometimes I just need someone to confirm it.

Do you really think writing a letter would help? Would it really help if I do juts say "but out"? I so want to , but  I guess I am afraid of stirring more emotions up.

Thank you for replying. Little by little I am getting over her. But she just sent me a b-day card and said in the card that she "was proud of me" I wanted to just scream and kick the living crap out of her. How dare she say that bull (beep) to me!!!!

I guess I really do want to say more things to her...I just don't want to cause trouble in the family. I just don't want to be that 'in-law' that just speaks her mind and everyone else keeps there distance.

Maybe I am just hating the fact that I may not be liked. I hate the fact that this may be true, and all my life I hating having to impress anyone. If they didn't like me, their loss. I hate that I have to get her approval. Maybe this is just something that goes deeper...like wanting my own parents approval...

Anyways, thanks for replying.

~T

The details of my situation is different but the core issues and my feelings are the same... here is how I have learned to let go and move past my disappointment, frustration, hurt and anger with my MIL:

- We unfortunately had to hit bottom before my husband’s eyes were beginning to open regarding the dysfunction and emotional sickness of his relationship with his mom... we then sought couples therapy to work on our communication and how to set & reinforce boundaries with his mom... This has NOT been easy and will continue to take LOTS of work to reinforce.

- For me, I had to take control of my reaction to her dysfunction and intrusion.  Having my husband on the same page was a HUGE help.  I slipped into a depression and needed to deal with that in order to get my emotional footing again.  If you need help coping, seeking counseling will help with that too.

- There are many great sources of information out there that helped me build my skills in dealing with in-laws who don't respect boundaries:  Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud (great advice even if you’re not religious... look past the sited scripture);   Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You by Susan Forward; Toxic In-Laws: Loving Strategies for Protecting Your Marriage  by Susan Forward

Your MIL's behavior may not ever change even after you communicate your feelings and concerns.  The key is to learning to forgive FOR YOUR OWN emotional sanity... by that I mean release yourself from wanting approval from your MIL.  This was the hardest part for me because we all want to be loved and accepted by our family.  It may never be a close loving relationship and I have learned to accept that.... I have accepted that she may never be considerate, loving nor respectful of me or my place in her son's life but I can’t control that.  I can control how I react to her rages, how I react towards her intrusion and verbal assaults... I focus my energy on making sure I am true to myself and my marriage, communicating my feelings and concerns with my husband and encouraging him to be constant when reinforcing boundaries with his mom.  He now knows that HE needs to be the main boundary guard with her because anything I say is immediately causes her to get spun up.... just because it comes from me... she doesn't hear the message and just focuses on attacking the messenger.

Ugggg... I can go on and on... it has been such a struggle!  Sorry you are going through this too but you are not alone!  It happens to frequently... even my friends who ARE marriage and family therapists struggle with their MIL relationships... so don’t be so hard on yourself.  It's not about you; it’s about your place in her child's life.  Once you really start to accept that, it may be easier for you to get past your hurt and anger.  Focus on what you have power to control... the choices you have the power to make... the rest will either have to fall in line or become a spec in your rear-view mirror as you press on & move forward with your family!