Quote From: sbruin98My problem is that my husband and I are both successful in our fields and I NEVER thought that I would want to be a stay at home mom EVER. However, after having the second in 2 years, I am really struggling with guilt at not being at home, the stress level of juggling a high-stress job that is commission only with managing the house. And while my husband is GREAT, we have very little time together because EVERY weekend is spent doing chores that cannot be done during the week nights. My husband just received a large raise that would more than keep us comfortable on 1 income, but where I was excited because I thought it would make the decision easier for me to stay at home, he sees it as a great opportunity to make more money. We have no debts other than our house, and we have plenty of savings, so it is not as if we would suffer a lifestyle change going to one income, I am just worried that he won't support the decision and wonder where this new attitude has come from (since he married a work-aholic).
Any advice on how to word my desire to stay at home without it sounding like I want to take the "easy-way-out" ? (I am thinking from a male perspective there)
Thanks! (sorry for such a long rant - this is my first post)
Corrie
I had my son at 39 and he's now 16. I worked at a professional job, high paying and at a company that expected 80 hour weeks and 200% effort ,until he was 6 After leaving work because I was truly burned out, I was separated within one year and divorced 3 years later. The whole thing was and is a nightmare regarding custody and the absolute inability my ex and I have in getting along.
Now, to the point. I waited patiently to have a family and only realized much later that my ex didn't really want to change his lifestyle. This was a guy who grew up very poor and having alot of money became extremely important to his sense of well-being and identity. Money means opportunity and choice. Taken to any kind of extreme it can become the priority and having money is addictive. Therefore, my desire to stay at home and raise a child was considered "lazy" and a cop-out, because how could I be so spoiled to think I wouldn't have to contribute anymore.
Not to say your husband feels the same, but it's important to establish what both of your priorities are. Only you know why you are anticipating a problem here, but it's probably safe to say that a man feels the "burden" when he's the sole wage earner. So, my suggestion is to find a safe place and time to tell him you have an important subject to discuss. Start out with saying you know what the responsibility "feels" like, but you also assured that you have the same values and goals. How to get there may be the point of difference. So, show him on paper the hard numbers and why it is workable. Also, it's important to say that this isn't a "forever" thing and you'd probably want to return to work at a later time (and state when). You would need the stimulation, believe me. But, in the meantime, you really feel it's necessary to care for the children in the home during these first years. Somehow, find a way to help him visualize how life would be in that case and be sure you can deliver.
I'll tell you, I will always regret not being home during those first 6 years. The money was never worth it and in fact, set me up for a difficult time of dealing with things when I found myself on my own, because I was so exhausted. Hopefully, you have a good and stable marriage. If so, it can weather this kind of change. Good luck
