Replies to '03/20 Policing the Parents'

I wish it were that simple.  I live with a raging alcoholic and can't for the life of me tell you why I'm still here.  My children are practically grown (2 in college and 1 a jr. in high school) and have lived in this situation for their entire life.  It didn't get bad until they were probably pre-teen to early teens and even then it was such a sneaky, insidious disease that you don't realize how bad it is.  I remember it being something horrible to say about my husband when my oldest child was 2.  That started to whole process of trying to fix the situation to accepting that he was an alcholic and still trying to fix it, to knowing that I can't change him or force him to stop.  It's a lot like an abused family in that the emotional abuse is heaped out in such outrageous amounts and then things level off and he stops.  What really happened was he drank enough to get past the mean stage but the peace is so welcome that to rock that boat is tantamount to touching a hot burner. So you wait for the other shoe to fall and it ALWAYS falls.  Meanwhile your children are witnessing a horrendous mess of a marriage and no matter how hard you jump in to protect them from the insanity, the insanity of it all wins.  If I could do it all over again I would have gotten out 15 years ago.  That being said I feel like my leg is anchored to the floor and I can't get away.  I'm a smart, well-educated woman who intelligiently knows I need to leave but can't figure out why I can't.  I don't believe there's love between us anymore.I don't enable, other than not leaving ,and I end up touching that hot burner over and over.

The woman on the program worked for a substance abuse group. Maybe she did that to try and figure out her own situation. I beleive I do. As for the teachers and counselors at school.  I work, believe it or not ,with the behavior kids at a middle school.  I see kids in this same situation and can relate to their plight.  I cannot legally suggest to a parent to get out or take steps unless there is direct signs of neglect or physical abuse or they tell us they're being abused.  My kids showed no outward signs of what was going on in our home. Emotional ,devastating abuse doesn't show physical marks.  Kids in our program are in there not because of enviromental (home) issues.  As a school employee our hands are tied to help kids who are not neglected physically or physically abused.  My children fit this profile to a tee.  I had one who's grades dropped dramatically and he started being disruptive in class.  He was more the class clown and quite popular but occassionally his anger played into it.  When I met with the teachers, they were shocked to learn of his homelife and practically called me a liar.  They said he was always so happy at school and had lots of friends.  They dismissed my explanation for what was happening.  Can I blame them?  No because unless you've lived in the middle of this horrible disease that is often hidden from public view you can;t possibly understand the hidden bruises.  I believe he was happy at school because he wasn't at home.  That is the most devastating statement to me. Yet I can't get out. Not that simple.  Wish I caould figure out the answer.