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Replies to '06/02 Banned From the Wedding'
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November 3, 2007, 2:32 pm PDT
 Quote From: gooseylucy There is a great deal of anger in the dynamics of the proposed wedding of Jay and Michelle - for now, the wedding should be cancelled and the couple should attempt a six month hiatus without contact or communication. A lifetime is a long time and the six month trade a small price to pay for "forever after".
It occurs to me that the people in this scenario are in states of arrested development - they do not have the skills to negogiate a settlement in this matter, and choose to look only at vindictive options; a common trait for children under the age of twelve.
Were I the prospective mother-in-law in this situation, I would be devastated to learn that my son would allow this treatment of me. Further, I would be heartbroken to consider that he would spend the rest of his life with such a shallow and apparently vindictive person. I would grieve for the happiness of knowing and loving grandchildren, because I would realize that the ripple effect of this mindset would contanimate everything, and there would be nothing I could do to alleviate it.
Were I the prospective bride, I might be thrilled to think I would have that kind of power over my fiancee; however, given the blessing of insight, I might be terrified to learn that my husband would be such a spineless jellyfish - might he forsake me in the same manner in the future? Or worse yet, might he forsake our children when the going gets tough?
Were I the prospective groom, I might be thinking that I am doing the right thing for the time being, but at the same time I might be repelled at the selfishness of the woman I plan to marry. I might wonder at her narcissism, and how it would effect our life together and the lives of our children. I might be thinking for the present that I can "fix" the in-law problem at a later date (after all, hasn't Mom always backed my plate?), but I really need someone to tell me that I can never unring the bell; that even if it resolves in some manner in the future, I would have failed everyone concerned, even the unborn.
When the going gets tough, the tough get going - the sissies flunk out! Sadly, often they (the sissies) don't have the maturity to recognize their failures or even consider them. There is no reality but their own, nothing important but themselves. Ultimately, they wind up alone. I am having the same problem with my son and dil and you managed to write exactly how I am feeling. I am heartbroken and all of the above that you mentioned. |
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November 8, 2007, 1:46 pm PST
Quote From: gooseylucy There is a great deal of anger in the dynamics of the proposed wedding of Jay and Michelle - for now, the wedding should be cancelled and the couple should attempt a six month hiatus without contact or communication. A lifetime is a long time and the six month trade a small price to pay for "forever after".
It occurs to me that the people in this scenario are in states of arrested development - they do not have the skills to negogiate a settlement in this matter, and choose to look only at vindictive options; a common trait for children under the age of twelve.
Were I the prospective mother-in-law in this situation, I would be devastated to learn that my son would allow this treatment of me. Further, I would be heartbroken to consider that he would spend the rest of his life with such a shallow and apparently vindictive person. I would grieve for the happiness of knowing and loving grandchildren, because I would realize that the ripple effect of this mindset would contanimate everything, and there would be nothing I could do to alleviate it.
Were I the prospective bride, I might be thrilled to think I would have that kind of power over my fiancee; however, given the blessing of insight, I might be terrified to learn that my husband would be such a spineless jellyfish - might he forsake me in the same manner in the future? Or worse yet, might he forsake our children when the going gets tough?
Were I the prospective groom, I might be thinking that I am doing the right thing for the time being, but at the same time I might be repelled at the selfishness of the woman I plan to marry. I might wonder at her narcissism, and how it would effect our life together and the lives of our children. I might be thinking for the present that I can "fix" the in-law problem at a later date (after all, hasn't Mom always backed my plate?), but I really need someone to tell me that I can never unring the bell; that even if it resolves in some manner in the future, I would have failed everyone concerned, even the unborn.
When the going gets tough, the tough get going - the sissies flunk out! Sadly, often they (the sissies) don't have the maturity to recognize their failures or even consider them. There is no reality but their own, nothing important but themselves. Ultimately, they wind up alone. YOU SAID IT ALL |
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November 8, 2007, 1:52 pm PST
Quote From: gooseylucy There is a great deal of anger in the dynamics of the proposed wedding of Jay and Michelle - for now, the wedding should be cancelled and the couple should attempt a six month hiatus without contact or communication. A lifetime is a long time and the six month trade a small price to pay for "forever after".
It occurs to me that the people in this scenario are in states of arrested development - they do not have the skills to negogiate a settlement in this matter, and choose to look only at vindictive options; a common trait for children under the age of twelve.
Were I the prospective mother-in-law in this situation, I would be devastated to learn that my son would allow this treatment of me. Further, I would be heartbroken to consider that he would spend the rest of his life with such a shallow and apparently vindictive person. I would grieve for the happiness of knowing and loving grandchildren, because I would realize that the ripple effect of this mindset would contanimate everything, and there would be nothing I could do to alleviate it.
Were I the prospective bride, I might be thrilled to think I would have that kind of power over my fiancee; however, given the blessing of insight, I might be terrified to learn that my husband would be such a spineless jellyfish - might he forsake me in the same manner in the future? Or worse yet, might he forsake our children when the going gets tough?
Were I the prospective groom, I might be thinking that I am doing the right thing for the time being, but at the same time I might be repelled at the selfishness of the woman I plan to marry. I might wonder at her narcissism, and how it would effect our life together and the lives of our children. I might be thinking for the present that I can "fix" the in-law problem at a later date (after all, hasn't Mom always backed my plate?), but I really need someone to tell me that I can never unring the bell; that even if it resolves in some manner in the future, I would have failed everyone concerned, even the unborn.
When the going gets tough, the tough get going - the sissies flunk out! Sadly, often they (the sissies) don't have the maturity to recognize their failures or even consider them. There is no reality but their own, nothing important but themselves. Ultimately, they wind up alone.
I took care of them all their lives. This marriage is doomed. Dr Phil spoke truth about consequences down the road. The groom will resent the bride in the future. Hell is not worth living in for the rest of your born days. You can never undo the words spoken. I know I am living proof. |
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STOP the WEDDING! Get counseling please. I have been through a living hell for 18yrs. My daughter married a man and its been a living nightmare. I have three grandsons that are being affected by the conduct of the dad and the mom. The kids are not allowed to visit me or spend the night with me EVER.|
November 8, 2007, 4:04 pm PST
Quote From: gooseylucy There is a great deal of anger in the dynamics of the proposed wedding of Jay and Michelle - for now, the wedding should be cancelled and the couple should attempt a six month hiatus without contact or communication. A lifetime is a long time and the six month trade a small price to pay for "forever after".
It occurs to me that the people in this scenario are in states of arrested development - they do not have the skills to negogiate a settlement in this matter, and choose to look only at vindictive options; a common trait for children under the age of twelve.
Were I the prospective mother-in-law in this situation, I would be devastated to learn that my son would allow this treatment of me. Further, I would be heartbroken to consider that he would spend the rest of his life with such a shallow and apparently vindictive person. I would grieve for the happiness of knowing and loving grandchildren, because I would realize that the ripple effect of this mindset would contanimate everything, and there would be nothing I could do to alleviate it.
Were I the prospective bride, I might be thrilled to think I would have that kind of power over my fiancee; however, given the blessing of insight, I might be terrified to learn that my husband would be such a spineless jellyfish - might he forsake me in the same manner in the future? Or worse yet, might he forsake our children when the going gets tough?
Were I the prospective groom, I might be thinking that I am doing the right thing for the time being, but at the same time I might be repelled at the selfishness of the woman I plan to marry. I might wonder at her narcissism, and how it would effect our life together and the lives of our children. I might be thinking for the present that I can "fix" the in-law problem at a later date (after all, hasn't Mom always backed my plate?), but I really need someone to tell me that I can never unring the bell; that even if it resolves in some manner in the future, I would have failed everyone concerned, even the unborn.
When the going gets tough, the tough get going - the sissies flunk out! Sadly, often they (the sissies) don't have the maturity to recognize their failures or even consider them. There is no reality but their own, nothing important but themselves. Ultimately, they wind up alone. This was a most insightful and intelligent commentary that I could ever imagine to this situation. My sister had the same scenario with her future daughter-in-law. The difference being that she took the higher ground and went along to get along even though she was continually snubbed all the way through the wedding process. Somewhere along the way she made a thoughtless and mean comment about the brides mother and this has never been forgiven. As far as I am concerned the bride was just looking for an excuse. My sister conceded every wish as far as the wedding went right down to the fact that they were only allowed to have one family picture even though she offered to pay for the extras. The one allowed picture excluded my father who was the only surviving grandparent at the wedding. The whole process just about killed my sister. Luckily she has three sisters who helped her get through it. The reason that I feel that the above advice was so good is that despite the fact that my sister went along with everything she still has an almost non-existent relationship with her son and his wife and they have been married for six years. No matter what she does or says she can't be right. They complain that she is stiff and standoffish when she is in their company, but she is terrified to say the wrong thing. I feel that my nephew is a spineless fool who has lived to regret getting married, but in his usual spineless way he takes the path of least resistance. My nephew spends all holidays including Christmas alone because he doesn't like her family and feels guilty about not seeing his parents. My heart absolutely goes out to this mother. If they do go through with the marriage my advice to her is to work as hard as she can to make a life for herself with the rest of her family. |
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November 8, 2007, 6:14 pm PST
Quote From: gooseylucy There is a great deal of anger in the dynamics of the proposed wedding of Jay and Michelle - for now, the wedding should be cancelled and the couple should attempt a six month hiatus without contact or communication. A lifetime is a long time and the six month trade a small price to pay for "forever after".
It occurs to me that the people in this scenario are in states of arrested development - they do not have the skills to negogiate a settlement in this matter, and choose to look only at vindictive options; a common trait for children under the age of twelve.
Were I the prospective mother-in-law in this situation, I would be devastated to learn that my son would allow this treatment of me. Further, I would be heartbroken to consider that he would spend the rest of his life with such a shallow and apparently vindictive person. I would grieve for the happiness of knowing and loving grandchildren, because I would realize that the ripple effect of this mindset would contanimate everything, and there would be nothing I could do to alleviate it.
Were I the prospective bride, I might be thrilled to think I would have that kind of power over my fiancee; however, given the blessing of insight, I might be terrified to learn that my husband would be such a spineless jellyfish - might he forsake me in the same manner in the future? Or worse yet, might he forsake our children when the going gets tough?
Were I the prospective groom, I might be thinking that I am doing the right thing for the time being, but at the same time I might be repelled at the selfishness of the woman I plan to marry. I might wonder at her narcissism, and how it would effect our life together and the lives of our children. I might be thinking for the present that I can "fix" the in-law problem at a later date (after all, hasn't Mom always backed my plate?), but I really need someone to tell me that I can never unring the bell; that even if it resolves in some manner in the future, I would have failed everyone concerned, even the unborn.
When the going gets tough, the tough get going - the sissies flunk out! Sadly, often they (the sissies) don't have the maturity to recognize their failures or even consider them. There is no reality but their own, nothing important but themselves. Ultimately, they wind up alone. I agree with the quote I just read above so I won't take up alot of time with repeating what was just written. It is sad that Jay is not standing up to his fiancee and demanding respect for his mother, its called getting a BACKBONE. MIchelle is a very SPOILED BRAT! Thank god I don't have daughter in-laws like that. My son's (3) have a back bone and stand up for what they believe in and WILL NOT stand for anyone to trash their family especially their parents. I doubt this mother of Jay's has been all that bad until she was banned from the wedding and what mother wouldn't be upset. Granted I don't think there EVER is a time when an adult should use these foul languages and call people these horrible names. I don't think very much of Jane for that at all and it is inexcuseable. Obviously it has HURT everyone alot except Michelle and she is such a DRAMA queen that she is not at all thinking she is at fault. She evidentally has been sheltered and coddled all her life. She is pretty on the outside so it has gotten her what she has wanted through life but not anything very respectable. I believe MIchelle and Jay should go through ALOT of counseling and get a better attitude about people around them and life in the future. They need to work on the marriage in counseling before they say those precious vows.I don't give this marriage a very good chance if they do go through with it. If it lasts 1-3 yrs. I will be surprised. I am a Sr. citizen, celebrated out 50th wedding anniversary Sept. 28th and have a wonderful family and many wonderful friends and have seen alot in my lifetime and I have never heard anyone I know act like any of these people no matter how bad the situation is. This marrigae SHOULD NOT take place at this time! |
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November 9, 2007, 4:29 am PST
Quote From: gooseylucy There is a great deal of anger in the dynamics of the proposed wedding of Jay and Michelle - for now, the wedding should be cancelled and the couple should attempt a six month hiatus without contact or communication. A lifetime is a long time and the six month trade a small price to pay for "forever after".
It occurs to me that the people in this scenario are in states of arrested development - they do not have the skills to negogiate a settlement in this matter, and choose to look only at vindictive options; a common trait for children under the age of twelve.
Were I the prospective mother-in-law in this situation, I would be devastated to learn that my son would allow this treatment of me. Further, I would be heartbroken to consider that he would spend the rest of his life with such a shallow and apparently vindictive person. I would grieve for the happiness of knowing and loving grandchildren, because I would realize that the ripple effect of this mindset would contanimate everything, and there would be nothing I could do to alleviate it.
Were I the prospective bride, I might be thrilled to think I would have that kind of power over my fiancee; however, given the blessing of insight, I might be terrified to learn that my husband would be such a spineless jellyfish - might he forsake me in the same manner in the future? Or worse yet, might he forsake our children when the going gets tough?
Were I the prospective groom, I might be thinking that I am doing the right thing for the time being, but at the same time I might be repelled at the selfishness of the woman I plan to marry. I might wonder at her narcissism, and how it would effect our life together and the lives of our children. I might be thinking for the present that I can "fix" the in-law problem at a later date (after all, hasn't Mom always backed my plate?), but I really need someone to tell me that I can never unring the bell; that even if it resolves in some manner in the future, I would have failed everyone concerned, even the unborn.
When the going gets tough, the tough get going - the sissies flunk out! Sadly, often they (the sissies) don't have the maturity to recognize their failures or even consider them. There is no reality but their own, nothing important but themselves. Ultimately, they wind up alone.
I can see how easily this situation can occur, especially if the mother sees the bride as being even slightly manipulative and even hints to her son that he needs to stand up for his mother or be wise to the ways of some manipulative women. Instead of calling someone manipulative, I prefer to use the word immature. I think some of us forget that we all were immature and exhibited immature behavior in one way shape or form at different times in our lives, even way into adulthood. In other words, we all get old, but not everyone matures or even matures at the same rate. I'm certain I still have some things to work on.
I went through a similar situation, which I believe started when my son's girlfriend sent him to ask a favor of me and I put a condition on it which she did not like. Trouble like this begins when the son is put in the middle instead of the two people involved (mother and girlfriend) talk about the issue (whatever it may be). If my son's girlfriend would have asked me instead of having my son ask, I would have had more respect for her and would have been able to tell her what I thought. However, she knew she was asking a huge favor and thought I wouldn't be able to turn him down. Her behavior changed towards me immediately because she was forced to take some responsibility to act on my request in order for her favor to be granted. After much pouting on her part, she did what I asked and I did what she requested.
I could see then that this could become a huge problem if this type of behavior continued, so I decided that I was not going to put my son in the middle of discussions between his girlfriend and me, mostly because something is usually lost in the translation, and sometimes added. I have since then spoken to her about behavior that I thought was inappropriate for a girlfriend versus a spouse, and she has since then apologized for being spoiled and giving me a hard time. We both hugged and now have a relationship to build on between us instead of expecting my son to be the go between. I have more respect for her because she was able to admit that my concerns were legitimate. She thought I was jealous of her relationship with my son and I told her that was the farthest thing from the truth. I would never stand in the way of his happiness, even if I thought he was making a mistake. Believe me, the last thing I want is the responsibility for his decisions. If he makes bad decisions, he suffers the consequences, not me. Likewise, if I make a bad judgement call, I certainly don't want him to suffer the consequences of that either.
It's not easy letting our children go. We are so used to protecting them. I have vowed to stop giving unsolicited advice (I have a tendency to do this with all of my children) and give them some space to grow and work things out on their own. |
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November 28, 2007, 10:28 pm PST
Quote From: gooseylucy There is a great deal of anger in the dynamics of the proposed wedding of Jay and Michelle - for now, the wedding should be cancelled and the couple should attempt a six month hiatus without contact or communication. A lifetime is a long time and the six month trade a small price to pay for "forever after".
It occurs to me that the people in this scenario are in states of arrested development - they do not have the skills to negogiate a settlement in this matter, and choose to look only at vindictive options; a common trait for children under the age of twelve.
Were I the prospective mother-in-law in this situation, I would be devastated to learn that my son would allow this treatment of me. Further, I would be heartbroken to consider that he would spend the rest of his life with such a shallow and apparently vindictive person. I would grieve for the happiness of knowing and loving grandchildren, because I would realize that the ripple effect of this mindset would contanimate everything, and there would be nothing I could do to alleviate it.
Were I the prospective bride, I might be thrilled to think I would have that kind of power over my fiancee; however, given the blessing of insight, I might be terrified to learn that my husband would be such a spineless jellyfish - might he forsake me in the same manner in the future? Or worse yet, might he forsake our children when the going gets tough?
Were I the prospective groom, I might be thinking that I am doing the right thing for the time being, but at the same time I might be repelled at the selfishness of the woman I plan to marry. I might wonder at her narcissism, and how it would effect our life together and the lives of our children. I might be thinking for the present that I can "fix" the in-law problem at a later date (after all, hasn't Mom always backed my plate?), but I really need someone to tell me that I can never unring the bell; that even if it resolves in some manner in the future, I would have failed everyone concerned, even the unborn.
When the going gets tough, the tough get going - the sissies flunk out! Sadly, often they (the sissies) don't have the maturity to recognize their failures or even consider them. There is no reality but their own, nothing important but themselves. Ultimately, they wind up alone. As devistated as we are you spoke pretty much how we feel. Sometimes we think we will never stop grieving the loss of a healthy family that we had so dreamed of having. We have been told the same things like you could fall off the face of the earth and I wouldn't care and you will never see your grandsons. We never dreamed we would have to endure this kind of pain. In the first show I was angry because it looked to me like it was all the mil's fault . In the second show it was a little more balanced. I liked what dr' phil said about the son doing his own inventory and what the uncle and cousin said about the son taking responsibility for his actions and stopping this drama. I was proud of Jane and the courage it took to sit there and apologize and still be attacked and blamed. It took great humility. We have lived this and it is not easy. It is hard to face that our sons allow this kind of behavior toward us. |
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June 5, 2008, 12:47 pm PDT
Quote From: gooseylucy There is a great deal of anger in the dynamics of the proposed wedding of Jay and Michelle - for now, the wedding should be cancelled and the couple should attempt a six month hiatus without contact or communication. A lifetime is a long time and the six month trade a small price to pay for "forever after".
It occurs to me that the people in this scenario are in states of arrested development - they do not have the skills to negogiate a settlement in this matter, and choose to look only at vindictive options; a common trait for children under the age of twelve.
Were I the prospective mother-in-law in this situation, I would be devastated to learn that my son would allow this treatment of me. Further, I would be heartbroken to consider that he would spend the rest of his life with such a shallow and apparently vindictive person. I would grieve for the happiness of knowing and loving grandchildren, because I would realize that the ripple effect of this mindset would contanimate everything, and there would be nothing I could do to alleviate it.
Were I the prospective bride, I might be thrilled to think I would have that kind of power over my fiancee; however, given the blessing of insight, I might be terrified to learn that my husband would be such a spineless jellyfish - might he forsake me in the same manner in the future? Or worse yet, might he forsake our children when the going gets tough?
Were I the prospective groom, I might be thinking that I am doing the right thing for the time being, but at the same time I might be repelled at the selfishness of the woman I plan to marry. I might wonder at her narcissism, and how it would effect our life together and the lives of our children. I might be thinking for the present that I can "fix" the in-law problem at a later date (after all, hasn't Mom always backed my plate?), but I really need someone to tell me that I can never unring the bell; that even if it resolves in some manner in the future, I would have failed everyone concerned, even the unborn.
When the going gets tough, the tough get going - the sissies flunk out! Sadly, often they (the sissies) don't have the maturity to recognize their failures or even consider them. There is no reality but their own, nothing important but themselves. Ultimately, they wind up alone. Who are you? Replace Dr. Phil, please!!!!! |
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