Replies to 'Giving and Receiving Support'

Hi all,

I think I'm depressed, have been for a long time now.  The history is long, my mother was very mentally abusive and mentally ill, father couldn't cope and started to drink. We had money and perhaps I was spoiled in other ways, but I always was my moms therapist and keeper. She yelled, screamed and tried to kill my father on several occasions. In public she told lies about us. She made several suicide attempts to keep us in line(and telling us so)

In school I was tortured by my classmates. Both parents died in short succcession under weird circumstances when i finally fled the nest at an age I should have long gone. Several years have passed. my life has changed for the better. Many of my dreams have come true.  Still I cannot be happy about that. There is always the nagging fear of betrayal (my spouse has done so before), My old interests don't interest me anymore, I cannot be at home for a long time without getting extremely antsy, I'm always afraid of catastrophe in my life,nothing makes me happy anymore, I blow up easily and have no self-esteem., always think nobody loves or likes me and that I'm stupid.

How long does baggage from youth stick with a person?  My husband says I'm constantly playing old videos in my head and just have "to decide" to "just live".  Is that so easy? How does one do that? I'm afraid to take medication. I don't want to get dependent and I don't want to live in a fog. Are other people "happy"? Is there such a thing? Am I just an idiot and blowing things out of proportion?